I can say that sunrises, in the water, are one of the best reasons to get yer ass out of bed and drive for a few minutes (if you don’t live on the water that is).

Yesterday was weird. DH and I sat in the courtroom and listened to four cases before it was our turn.

In all four cases these people were horrid. Selfish and only seeking whet they could get from the other person. DH and I actually held hands, as if it was a charm, for comfort as we listened to these poor souls.

Then it was our turn. No fuss. No mess. Ten minutes later and it was done. We are divorced.

After a bit of a liquid lunch on a bench in a park I took a nap.

I woke up … clear. And happy. Yes happy. It is done and I’m free.

I know I have been free this past year. But now it is official.

So I woke this morning and was asked if I wanted an an adventure. So we hopped in the car and drove to the lake. Ten minute walk later and we watched the sun come up over the lake and trees. Took some beautiful pictures. And maybe had a bit of outdoor fun. Don’t worry; was a very secluded area.

Came back home and made breakfast.

I love sunrise by the lake.

And here I am.

Sitting outside. In the morning sun. Watching traffic go by on Jefferson Ave. awaiting the arrival of DH.

He will need a new moniker after today. I think it will simply be the very pedestrian EX.

I’m anxious. Nervous. But also I am a bit excited. I think that’s normal.

I’m out of words this morning.

I’ll just deal. And feel

In 12 hours I’ll be on the courthouse steps meeting DH. Have a final chat before saying “I no longer”

It’s nerve wracking.

So I’m sitting at my local watering hole. Drinking a whiskey. Just one. Ok. Just one double. Feeling a bit lost.

Normal I’m sure.

Got my hair done

Got my nails done.

Purchased a new dress.

And here is a confession. I’m ashamed of it. But I have to say it.

I am gonna look like the fukking SHIT tomorrow. The dress is amazing and I look good. And I want DH to see me and regret everything he did and said. I want him to look at me and say (in his head) “Dam! I fucked up!” And Rock want him to feel like shut for what he is missing out on.

All of the above is not how I usually operate. I hate anger. I hate vengeance. But I’m feeling both.

I will never ever ever say any of this to him. I can’t be that bitch.

But that’s what I want.

I know it’s not a good thing for my karma. And I shouldn’t fuk that up. But dam. I want him to know what he tossed away

Is that bad? Am I a bad person? I don’t know. Rational Ruth says no. Passionate Ruth says Fuk That!

Ok. I’ll eat something.

I’ll get thru tonight.

I’m gonna be ok in the long run.

Thank y’all for listening.

In 24 hours I’ll be in court.

Divorce Court.

Dissolving our marriage.

Saying goodbye.

Goodbye to over 20 years of marriage. Over 30 years of out relationship.

It is a bit mind blowing.

But it is also right.

I’m going to get my hair and nails done. I’m not walking into that courthouse looking like some sad-reject of a woman. I’m walking in and standing tall. Giving the appearance of someone ready for this. And appearances count.

Appearance counts for me. For my self esteem. So it is worth it.

After court I have a couple calls to make. Then I’m turning off my phone for the weekend. Gonna spend the weekend with a couple friends. Think we will take in a Tigers game Saturday night. Not quite sure what else is gonna happen but it will all work out.

I’m not feeling optimistic but more … resigned and accepting of the fact of life at this moment. Just get through minute by minute. I’ll be ok.

Let me say that the word TWAT is one of my all-time favorite affectionate insults.  It is also one of my all-time less than affectionate insults.  In this case, I am applying to to myself in BOTH contexts.

I am so irritated at all the emotions and feeling that I keep having this past week.  I feel I should be past all this.  I read through my past week’s posts and I sound so dam self-centered; narcissistic even.

I hate it. I can’t seem to stop obsessing though…and I hate that.

I am NOT THE ONLY ONE TO EVER GO THRU A DIVORCE!  DAMMIT!

I admit, I didn’t know I was/am/are/is angry.  I still feel that.  As 15 said last night “Ruth, I would like to introduce you to your emotions.”  He wasn’t being sarcastic or an asshole.  He was just trying to make me understand that maybe I have avoided some of these feelings and maybe, just possibly, I should get to know them a bit so I can properly deal with them.

He is right.  I know.

I am sincerely hoping, in the upcoming days and after Friday, I will be able to pull myself together, get my head out of my feelings and ass and get on with the business of taking care of business.

So apologies to anyone who has slogged through my posts over this past week.  I will get it together, I know it.

Two more days.

 

It is just barely Wednesday. The clock has turned.

I still actually need to try to sleep before work in the morning.

I can’t sleep. Not yet.

I’m so dam needy. I can’t stop thinking. It’s frustrating.

I hurt right now.

All over.

And I want to reach out. I want to tell my people “Help me”.

But I won’t. I am … at my core … petrified.

I feel so raw. So afraid. And I hate it.

I know that I need to be open To accept help and support. But I can’t.

There is a little girl inside … of me … and she is so unwilling to put herself out there right now. I am so afraid to be vulnerable. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to survive the possibility of pain … so even though pain isn’t a reality I’m unwilling risk the potential.

I realize, fully, this is not necessarily smart. But survival instinct is stronger than rational thinking.

And yet … here I sit … rationally writing it all out.

I’m an annoying mix of emotion and pragmatic thinking.

Sometimes I really hate being me.

I’m angry.

I didn’t realize this until last night.  Yes, I have been sad, happy, miserable, thrilled…but I didn’t really realize I am angry.

I am angry at DH.  I am angry that he lied to me.  I am angry that he said the things he said (no matter how truthful he was being) and I am angry that he told me he might love me again if I fit certain parameters.

I am angry that I allowed this to happen as well, so I am angry at myself.  I am angry that I deliberately put my head in the sand and allowed myself to be…other.  I allowed myself to be put in a protective box, in the attic… I am angry that I told myself “This is OK, this is just your life”  And I did.  I told myself that so many times!

I am angry that some people still think the divorce is “What you wanted, after-all…”  No… when it comes right down to it DH initiated this.  He came home and told me he didn’t love me anymore.  He wasn’t attracted to me.  He found me embarrassing at times.  Yes, I am the one who said the word divorce (months later) but I didn’t start this.

I went home last night and just … it was a really hard night.  My housemate greeted me at the door and she knew, right off, that something wasn’t right.  I just went into my room and started crying.  She came in and I told her I just want to hit something.  She came back and took me to the back yard, handed me two apples and had me throw them at the tree multiple times.  There are lots of apple pieces in the back yard now for the birds and wild creatures.  She then handed me a hollow metal rod and I beat the shit out of the tree and broke the rod in 4 places.  By the time I was done I felt better, hot, sweaty and fully realizing: I AM ANGRY.

I know I won’t stay angry long.  I think I just pushed that piece, of how I felt, away. I have never enjoyed being angry and I try to turn away from it.  It is not an attractive thing in anyone.  But last night I embraced it and I believe I am the better for it.

It is good to see and realize what is going on.  I think I will be better able to deal with things this week because of my break-down last night. I feel, if not just a BIT hung-over, clearer this morning.  Not epiphany-clear… more… mentally clear.  And emotionally calm.  Not the dead calm of an in-land lake…but a rolling calm and I’m going with the roll

Ok it is Tuesday.  Three more days.  I will be fine.

Ok. Get it together woman.

So I’m getting a divorce on Friday. Hundreds of people do this around the world daily. It’s not a tragedy.

Hundreds of people go through this without the kind of support that I have. I have a whole cadre of friends to help me get through this. I’m not alone and I’m not special.

So get it together woman.

Monday morning … and here I go.

Five more days.

And my life is formally changed.

Not that anything is really changed.

Five more days.

I’m totally obsessing.

I mean. It’s just so weird.

I shouldn’t be obsessing this way.

It’s been over a year.

I’ve waited for this to be over

Five more days.

Why am I so dam crazy?

It’s ok.

I’ll get over this.

Five more days.

And it is Saturday morning.

Have a party with an old friend tonight. His folks are in town and they are amazing people. I’ll crash at his place tonight.

I’m bothered.

I don’t wish to be bothered. So I’m writing.

I know that my life is NOT falling apart. It’s it coming together. But knowing the court date is now 6 days away…makes me feel like it is falling apart.

Dam feelings. But it is okay.

I can feel them. Put them in perspective. Put them in their compartment. And move on.

So it’s Saturday. Getting on with the day. It’s okay.

Sun is out. Laundry is going. The world turns and I’ve got this