AP died this past week. She was 93 (I thought 94). She was a wonderful and difficult woman.

I love her very much.

She had so much love to give her family and so much critique as well.

Some advice was very helpful and some was not very helpful.

It didn’t matter

Intentions were always good.

I will miss her greatly

Always.

Ughhhh

I recently discovered I can view my work email on my phone.

This is not a good thing for me.

And now I am sauce, about work, even on my days off more than I used to.

Every day off I have I’m still checking my email every 2 to 4 hours tops.

I don’t need this kind of technology.

I don’t need a new way to be obsessed about some thing.

FrustratedI can view my work email on my phone.

This is not a good thing for me.

And now I am sauce, about work, even on my days off more than I used to.

Every day off I have I’m still checking my email every 2 to 4 hours tops.

I don’t need this kind of technology.

I don’t need a new way to be obsessed about some thing.

Frustrated.

So as things ramp up and work is getting back to “normal” people I haven’t seen in months are coming back to work.

I was walking down the hall today and ran into a rep from one of the device companies.

Now he is a very tall and handsome guy. Very easy on the eyes.

We are all still wearing masks around so he started to walk past me and then stopped and flipped around sayin “Ruth?”

Of course I answered and he said, in a very loud voice, “My God, you look amazing!”

I’ll admit I blushed (behind my mask).

He then just sort of goggled and repeated “wow! You really look great!”

Again I said thank you.

He pulled himself together and we parted.

I got back to my office and totally blushed !!!

Now while I admit I find him very physically attractive I don’t have any interest in him. So why did that make me blush so much?

Not sure.

But I know … for a moment … I felt like such a “girl”. And I felt pretty.

I can appreciate that for what it is.

Someone I work with approaches about my post.

I copied/pasted my blog onto FB. I rarely do this

She was worried I did not understand what I did.

Below… I post my repose to her.

I would like to tell you a story:

I came home one day and my husband told me he didn’t find me attractive and didn’t love me anymore. But if I changed certain things then he might be able to again.

I spent 3 weeks trying to make all those changes overnight.

At almost exactly the three week mark I realized I couldn’t do it anymore.
I lost something that day. I lost my will to lie. To live an incomplete life

For almost all of my life I had tried to look good. Be good. Be there at the expense of being there for myself. Every time. What “You” needed was always more important than what I needed.

It had been so important that people see me as “good” and “sweet”, “helpful” At work I was a bad-ass. Always competent. Always in charge of myself and my emotions.

I started to write. Honestly. About my experiences. No holes barred no filters.

I blog. I don’t use anyone’s name but my own. I write to get to the bottom of my feelings To live a complete life.

I’ve written about my divorce, depression, suppression of emotions from being raped in my 20s, emotional and sexual awakening, death and life.

Anything that causes significant emotion.

I had a very hard time relaxing at home after JoAnn’s death.

I started writing. Honestly.
When I finished I realized that what I had to say did sound bad But I’m not all good. None of us are.

And maybe … just maybe … others feel the same conflict in their hearts (not necessarily about Joann) about someone they know who has died or suffered terribly.

So I did what I rarely do … I posted my blog on FB. Copy/paste/done.

I have maybe 7 followers on my blog. I don’t write to have followers. I write for me.

I write to keep myself honest. Be true to the mostly good and kind woman I know I am and acknowledge the occasional asshole that lives inside.

So I wanted to explain to you better than I did earlier why I posted what I did. And why I’m ok with looking “bad”.

I appreciate you stopping by and speaking with me about your concerns. It speaks volumes about your character.

I’m sorry this was so long. But I hope it brings some clarity to what I said and did.

❤️

So there you have it. Why I did what I did.

A coworker died this week.

Likely related to COVID 19 but not yet confirmed.

This is not about The Rona. This is about my coworker “Ann”.

Ann and I were not friends. I have known her since 2001. We were SO not friends.

Both Ann and I had personalities the clashed more times than I can accurately recall.

I didn’t like her.

I did respect her.

A couple of my friends liked her.

Liked her very much.

“She is a different woman outside of work”.

I believed them for that is what I had heard about myself. But I still didn’t like her.

She didn’t let a lot of people see into her heart.

Even before her death I could tell she truly did care about her patients. She cared about her job and doing the right thing.

We clashed. I didn’t like her.

But admired her dedication.

This is very hard There are not a lot of people I do not truly like in my life. Ann was one of them.

This makes me feel like a terrible person.

This is NOT about me. And yet here I am lamenting.

This is a new thing.

I’m sorry Ann: I’m sorry I did not know you better. Beyond your outer shell. Beyond your need for distance.

Sorry I didn’t know you The person who was fun and imaginative. From all I have heard.

I’m sorry I was narrow minded.

Ann … goodbye I WILL miss you.

I wish I had known you better.

You did teach me.

Thank You.

This is awful…

I am paralyzed right now. My friends are getting together and have invited me and I do not even feel like I can go.

I am sitting on my couch watching TV series that I love but have seen in its entirety.

And again I am paralyzed.

This is terrible and terrifying.

This is not who I want to be but it is who I am right now.

I don’t know what to do.

So I went to the park tosay

I went to relax. See the water. Relax.

I was accosted. I was not raped … but he tried.

Had to deal with the cops.

Had to deal with bullshit

I am OK.

Feel like shit.

But I AM OK.

I can’t say more. It’s too raw. Too fresh.

But I’ll be OK.

Lesson learned. Don’t leave home without my dog!

I’ll be OK.

So I am sitting in my car and my dog is in the vet’s office. Don’t worry … Just a wellness check as a new dog.

But I’m having horrible flashbacks and anxiety.

Last time I let my dog out of my hands Oberon died.

And while I trust this office …And the vet will call me once he is done with her exam… And I know everything will be ok … but still trying to work thru this sudden anxiety.

Ok. Flash forward. As I was writing the doc called.

All is well. She has some significant allergies that are effecting her skin but it is manageable. Otherwise she is in great health.

I knew my anxiety was overblown but just couldn’t stop it from happening.

But everything is OK so I am OK.

And maybe I should get a handle on some of my shit!

Yes there was… and will be more… snow today!

Pure Michigan!

So my mammogram went just fine. They did find the two lumps I felt and the ultrasound showed they are just cycsts and not of any worry. I came home and fell out (asleep)!

Marta is adjusting nicely. We are bonding quite well

She has only got into one thing and it was quite a beautiful moment.

About an hour after I brought her home I went up to the bathroom for all the usual reasons.

When I came down to the kitchen I found Oberon’s first and favorite stuffy toy in the middle of the kitchen and Marta was standing over it.

Now I had put all of Oberon’s toys and such in a bag in the back of my laundry room. When I was to bring Marta home I pulled out the Kong’s and hard balls and pull rope. I couldn’t pull out the stuffy.

I left it in the bag.

To find Marta standing over it was, to say the least, a surprise.

As I stood there she bent her head and picked up the stuffy and just held it in her mouth.

I didn’t cry but I did tear up.

I felt like I had just been given a blessing by Oberon. As if he was saying, “Good job mom. You two will be all right”.

Call me silly if you like but it gave me a real sense of peace. And at this point I’ll take it.

So I have another mammogram in 7 hours.

I found a new … something … in my right breast and possibly my left ( but that seems to come and go).

Scheduled a mammogram for about 2 more weeks out.

My PCP came back from vacation and saw the request. He TIER 2d ME! (Concerns for COVID are less than concerns for my health). Then he called me and gently yelled at me.

Ok

He wasn’t wrong and I don’t resent it.

But for my mental health I was just OK with waiting.

Now he fast-tracked my testing.

This is not good for my mental health. Which is just as important as my physical health.

So… I have been awake since 2 am.

Ughhhhh