ch…ch…ch…changes……

So today is my first smoke-free day.  I put the patch on my left arm and the dam thing doesn’t really want to stay there.  Since it is only a 24h patch then I think I’ll try my hip or maybe lower tummy.  My arm, apparently, just moves/wiggles too much and the edges keep trying to pop off.  After I smoked my last cig around 5:45pm last evening I kinda felt like I had too much time on my hands.  But then I also felt frikkin tired b/c I had got up and gone to workout before work.  I wasn’t sure how well I would do w/o patch or smokes last night but I survived.

Talked w/DH (darling husband for the purposes of posting) about the little things.  Like the very moment we had our initial conversation he stopped saying “I love you” or holding my hand or even fukking TALKING to me about anything other than the most superficial shit.  When I talked w/him about this and how I am not sure how to talk w/him.  I WANT to tell him I love him; I don’t want him to forget or think that I feel the same as he does.  At the same time I do not wish to make him feel bad about not responding.  So, I explained this to him and he could only repeat: I don’t want to watch you kill yourself with cigarettes and lack of exercise.  I cannot say what I don’t feel.  O…..KAY……  So……. WFT dude.  I was not, for a change, asking what you feel or want to do.  I was asking how might you feel more comfortable w/the communication.  On Tuesday night he was to pick up our nephew and his dad from the airport.  Last information I had been provided was he would go see his sisters and then do the airport run.  We have ALWAYS let each other know when/where/plans.  If there is an emergency or anything we have this information.  I receive a txt from my nephew stating he can’t get a-hold of my husband and can I help, plane was delayed.

I called and txt DH w/o any answer.  So I call his sister.  She answers and says he isn’t there.  That was very ODD. He finally txt me back that he stayed at work to catch up.  Normally he would have just let me know, as a courtesy, and there wouldn’t be a big deal.  Now I feel he is hiding something and that pisses me off.  I did ask him, point blank, is he having an affair/found someone he WANTS to tell “I love you” to.  He denied it. He says he does imagine what it would be like to be with someone different who he considers an equal partner.   SQUISH goes my SOUL! 

Well, that is enuff about me today, more than enuff.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

Howdy: Name is Ruth.  51 years old.  Married. Nurse. Mother of none. Suspecting I’ll be divorced soon.

I have decided to write a blog (duh) and see about documenting my travels thus far and in the future.

I suspect this will be at times rambling, poorly grammerized, sometimes angry, sometimes sad, sometimes happy and frequently boring.  Themes of my life have been touched on, explored and generally beaten to death already by better people than I.  But this blog is for anyone who may wish to feel better by knowing someone out there feels as I do (or just being happy your life seems better than mine- #goschaudenfreude

Today lets start w/the possible divorce.  I love my husband.  He says he loves me.  I think it is just a habit.  He really HATES certain things about me.  I smoke.  He hates that with a passion.  I am fat and lazy (I am fat though I don’t really think lazy is the right word).

Smoking: I started smoking when I was about 17 y/o.  I have quite for short times in the past.  I have joyously developed ASTHMA due to smoking.  And at 51y/o I suspect I will probably develop some COPD or emphysema in the future.  I know these things and I find it so HARD to try to quit.  But today 8/8/2018 (I’m gonna say that date is auspicious because I want to) is to be my last cigarette.  I know if I don’t quite my husband will leave me.

Fat and Lazy: Oh yes, I am fat.  At one time I was just under 500#.  I got counseling.  I also had weight loss surgery. This worked out beautifully.  My weight got down to 225# and then settled in around 250# comfortably.  I was exercising and feeling great.  Then my dad got sick.  I won’t go into the dynamics of my mom/dad yet because that is a month worth of blog posts.  But dad developed Alzheimer’s Dz.  I was so occupied taking care of dad and mom and I totally lost track of me. I put “me” on compete and total hold.  Dad died 4 years ago (this upcoming Christmas).  Since his illness and my fall from grace I have regained 100#.  I have tried to get back into the swing of things but keep failing to maintain a good exercise routine (hence the fat and lazy part).  I get frustrated easily and frustration leads to quitting and quitting leads to failure and failure leads to depression and … well… I think you can see where I am going.

So, smoking and fat-n-lazy, this is why I think I’m headed for a divorce.  My husband says he doesn’t believe I can ever fix what is broken in me.  I AM afraid he is right.  I AM hoping he is wrong.

Why did I start a blog?  I am doing this to publicly hold myself accountable.  To be brutal in my honesty about what I am doing and if I am doing it right (I think) or wrong (I think).

Earlier this week I did re-join a gym.  I have successfully gone twice.  Best time for me is…UGH….early morning.  It works out the best for my dogs (we have 3 monsters) as well as my brain.  I really (I mean FUKKING REALLY) hate getting up at 4-4:15 AM but I can do it (did it Monday and Wednesday)  It is only two mornings a week, most weeks, I would need to do this because I do have one day off during the week and then there are the weekends.

So I need to make some changes in my life.  I need to do it and hope my husband will see i am trying and give me some time.  Not time to fail…but time to succeed.  I know I seem to make him sound like a schmuck…but he isn’t. He is actually quite the nicest guy around.  He is patient and supportive.  But he has lost patience and has no more support.

I need to make these changes to save my marriage but I also need to make them to live a better life.

Let’s see, shall we?