Howdy: Name is Ruth. 51 years old. Married. Nurse. Mother of none. Suspecting I’ll be divorced soon.
I have decided to write a blog (duh) and see about documenting my travels thus far and in the future.
I suspect this will be at times rambling, poorly grammerized, sometimes angry, sometimes sad, sometimes happy and frequently boring. Themes of my life have been touched on, explored and generally beaten to death already by better people than I. But this blog is for anyone who may wish to feel better by knowing someone out there feels as I do (or just being happy your life seems better than mine- #goschaudenfreude
Today lets start w/the possible divorce. I love my husband. He says he loves me. I think it is just a habit. He really HATES certain things about me. I smoke. He hates that with a passion. I am fat and lazy (I am fat though I don’t really think lazy is the right word).
Smoking: I started smoking when I was about 17 y/o. I have quite for short times in the past. I have joyously developed ASTHMA due to smoking. And at 51y/o I suspect I will probably develop some COPD or emphysema in the future. I know these things and I find it so HARD to try to quit. But today 8/8/2018 (I’m gonna say that date is auspicious because I want to) is to be my last cigarette. I know if I don’t quite my husband will leave me.
Fat and Lazy: Oh yes, I am fat. At one time I was just under 500#. I got counseling. I also had weight loss surgery. This worked out beautifully. My weight got down to 225# and then settled in around 250# comfortably. I was exercising and feeling great. Then my dad got sick. I won’t go into the dynamics of my mom/dad yet because that is a month worth of blog posts. But dad developed Alzheimer’s Dz. I was so occupied taking care of dad and mom and I totally lost track of me. I put “me” on compete and total hold. Dad died 4 years ago (this upcoming Christmas). Since his illness and my fall from grace I have regained 100#. I have tried to get back into the swing of things but keep failing to maintain a good exercise routine (hence the fat and lazy part). I get frustrated easily and frustration leads to quitting and quitting leads to failure and failure leads to depression and … well… I think you can see where I am going.
So, smoking and fat-n-lazy, this is why I think I’m headed for a divorce. My husband says he doesn’t believe I can ever fix what is broken in me. I AM afraid he is right. I AM hoping he is wrong.
Why did I start a blog? I am doing this to publicly hold myself accountable. To be brutal in my honesty about what I am doing and if I am doing it right (I think) or wrong (I think).
Earlier this week I did re-join a gym. I have successfully gone twice. Best time for me is…UGH….early morning. It works out the best for my dogs (we have 3 monsters) as well as my brain. I really (I mean FUKKING REALLY) hate getting up at 4-4:15 AM but I can do it (did it Monday and Wednesday) It is only two mornings a week, most weeks, I would need to do this because I do have one day off during the week and then there are the weekends.
So I need to make some changes in my life. I need to do it and hope my husband will see i am trying and give me some time. Not time to fail…but time to succeed. I know I seem to make him sound like a schmuck…but he isn’t. He is actually quite the nicest guy around. He is patient and supportive. But he has lost patience and has no more support.
I need to make these changes to save my marriage but I also need to make them to live a better life.
Let’s see, shall we?
Ruth's Life and Experiences 