So. I really did not remember that Valentine’s Day is in two days. I have had two different reactions to this upcoming Hallmark holiday.

I am speaking with a gentleman in my area and we met for tea after work the other day. I was very tired and begged off, our date, early. it had been a difficult day at work and I had a stress headache and just wanted to go to bed. I was disappointed because this gentleman was very nice and we were enjoying ourselves but I found I was not hearing him I was just listening to him speak.

He was gracious and we have spoken since then. I had suggested getting together, if possible, next Thursday out for a light dinner. He misinterpreted and thought I meant this Thursday and reminded me that it’s Valentine’s Day and he has his kids that day. I was moderately mortified and quickly corrected his notion that I may think he should take me out for Valentine’s Day. He was good with it and we may see each other this weekend.

I am speaking with another man who lives about 3 1/2 hours away. He and I have exchanged texts and spoken on the phone. Again very nice man and he is interested to meet in the next couple of weeks. He asked what I was doing this weekend (and I am busy) because after all Valentine’s Day is this Thursday. And now I was moderately taken aback. I certainly, again, I am not thinking about Valentine’s Day.

I just find these two conversations, which happened within 24 hours of each other and are so different in expectations, to be interesting.

People are baffling

Through most of my life I could never comprehend the saying, “I just forgot to eat”.

In the past few months I seem to be embracing that concept. Not necessarily on purpose… And most certainly, at the beginning, accidentally. But I am finding, more and more, I am forgetting to eat.

Now when I am at work this is not an issue. I have a fairly routine schedule and I eat appropriately. But when I’m home (and most especially on my days off work) I go for hours without eating.

This happened again today. I was encouraged to get out of bed by the dogs. The girls were up and about but the dogs felt I was done sleeping so they whined and scratched art my door until I got up and let them outside. (Yay….).

So my day started. First thing I put the roasts into the slow cooker. Did laundry. Went out and ran a few errands. Fussed with the roasts. Did more laundry. Before I knew it the time was 130 pm and I had a bit of a headache. As I was fussing with the roasts again I realized I had not eaten anything today. I had about 6 cups of coffee and subsequent water… But no food.

I ate an avacado and apple and felt much better.

I’m all for limiting calories and eating responsibly… But I still need to eat!

Dinner with DH tonight. We had a good talk. We spoke of his weekend. We spoke of my weekend. We spoke of the divorce and what my brother is recommending. Of things we need to do to finalize things. One thing sticks out in my mind…. What DH feels I deserve.

I was speaking of having enough money for a down-payment on a small condo. I was saying that if, when we sus out the house and other finances, I don’t have enough money for a down-payment then I would simply impose on the girls for a bit longer. This made him visibly upset. I asked what was wrong… He stated I deserved better than living with the girls. I was flummoxed.

I tried to explain this is the best place I could imagine being right now. It is a safe place. They are not judgmental. They give me room to be myself and to find myself. No criticism Just a lot of love and acceptance. At the same time I am able to care for others in the house and feel needed, wanted.

He accepted my words but I could tell he didn’t like or believe them.

So I’m trying to understand why he thinks I deserve better. What is better? Better is on the eye of the beholder. In my eyes I deserve nothing….i have earned nothing yet I have all I need. Safety, love, respect and the ability to return all three to the girls.

What does he think I deserve?. And why?. I wasn’t quite up to delving into those questions and so I didn’t ask. Maybe one day I will. For now I will be happy with what I have. I don’t need to figure out what DH thinks I deserve.

Touchy topic in a way…

To submit to the universe. Not surrender… Not give up… But to submit and acknowledge there are things out there we cannot change.

To submit to desires though… That twists the definition a bit. Not in that raw fact of it but in reality it is different. To submit to desires is to allow yourself to experience what you want and deny culpability in those desires. “It’s just he way it is and I had no control “. Outside of someone forcing something upon another person… That is not submitting… That is rape (of mind, body, spirit or possessions)… I don’t think I believe in that kind of submission

I submit to the universe… There are certainly things I cannot change and to try would be all kinds of futile.

I will not submit to my desires. Sexual, edible, behavior…. These things I can feel I cannot simply say, “I submit” to.

Last night I was awake most of the night. My brain was troubled and I don’t sleep well when that occurs. Around 2AM I got out of bed and ate a donut that my house-mate had brought home. It was compulsive. I knew it. I acknowledged this. And accepted the action. I would say I did surrender to the compulsion, willingly. And later on, when I felt poorly due to this I knew why and acknowledged that.

So I feel I can say I surrender. And at times I will surrender. To my desires of the moment… No matter what they may be. But in that I will still acknowledge my own culpability. I am responsible for my actions and reactions.

I will not submit though… To anyone but the universe.

And a long story short… I am not good enough for my husband and I am not good enough for my best friend.

My best friend thinks I am selfish, horrible, thoughtless; basically s cunt. but she is too much of a prig to use that word.

At this point I am simply trying to get through the evening. Tomorrow is a new day.

I am also trying to understand her point of view. To dredge up empathy that I would normally feel for anyone who has that much anger inside of them.

While I know she is wrong in so many ways, her virulent diatribes have me doubting myself.

She says I have always done exactly as I wanted to do. And when I try to explain that so much of what I have wanted and desired has been held inside… Compressed into a tiny box, well she calls bullshit.

And now I find I’m at am impasse… And I’m lost again.

How can this woman who knows me so well… Be wrong? Yet she is!. God is she?.

I have a couple of things on my mind this morning. I’m going to try to stick to one topic.

I am very distressed this morning. I am spending the weekend with my BFF for the first time since I have split with DH. Since my split with DH I have grown and changed. I am tired of being afraid to say what I think or behave in a manner I desire. This is not to say I cannot be polite and kind. It is now, though, against my nature to simply conform to the expectations of other people.

My BFF expects conformation. and is distressed that I am not doing as she expects. She got pissed last night because I “ruined” a picture. I was having fun and being goofy and stupid. And… It is a picture on her phone… Easily taken, retaken and deleted I less time than it takes for 20 heart beats.

When I tried to talk with her about it later. She accused me of “9 times out off 10” not taking her feelings into account and attempting to make her feel bad… She barely let me finish a sentence.

And now… This morning we are sitting here at breakfast. Small talk abounds. Again I’m afraid to talk with her openly and this hurts.

I don’t want to bare my soul about what I’ve been doing since DH and I separated…I want to be able to simply communicate with out filters….

I imagine this may remain an unresolved issue in my life.

“There is no agony like an untold story inside you”. Maya Angelou.

As I was checking into a room last evening, to meet a particular friend, another guest arrived.  He stood … not far, but not super close to me.  For some reason the woman behind the counter thought he was with me.  Maybe she assumed he dropped me off and parked the car?

Anyway, we were chatting about the weather and how fukking cold it is.  She looked at this gentleman and said to me, “Now you go have him draw you a hot bath and give you a nice massage in that king size bed you have!”  I believe his jaw hit the ground…and I just started a slow giggle.

I smiled at this friendly gal and just said…”He’s not with me.” and then I turned to him and gave him a big smile and said, “Sorry, I’m not a service this hotel provides!”  He just started to laugh.  The poor lady behind the counter was so embarrassed.  I did reassure her and told her I am not offended.  He did the same.

It put a smile on my face.

So, I know I already posted today but I had an epiphany!  Maybe even a couple of them. Tiny epiphanies…like tiny orgasms…still are epiphanies!

I have come to the realization I no longer feel the need to justify my decision about getting a divorce to anyone.  I don’t feel a sense of shame or embarrassment about saying the words, “I am getting a divorce.”  I found this out today because it came out in a conversation with some work people.  These are people I respect and it matters to me what they think of me.  They asked me a question and I responded with, “I don’t know, we are divorcing.” I didn’t cringe or take a deep breath.  The words just flowed from my mouth and I felt calm.  I didn’t feel that shame, remorse and humiliation…that I expected to feel…a few weeks ago.  But it went away.  I don’t know where it went but it went away!

I also heard myself speaking with a good friend about a few things DH said in the past months.  Mainly the things he said to shock me, or scare me, into changing.  So I changed…my address!  I found, today, that I no longer wished to make excuses or justify what he did or said.  I also feel that some of that was just Bull Shit!  Not that what he felt was BS…but that he could consider saying it at all.  That he could consider the fact he neglected me and then tried to turn this all around on me.  Oh, I will STILL maintain my own culpability, I don’t excuse that!  I will accept my short comings and work not to repeat them.  But dammit!  A lot of this would not have happened had he been truthful in the first place.  Had he been the man he wants to be…and stood up and said…Hey Ruth, I’m not attracted to you. I love you but I don’t want to be married to you.  Like..oh…10+ years ago~

So, those are my tiny epiphanies today.

OK…I have spent the last few days being a lot angry at DH.  I am not angry at what he said.  I am angry that it took him so long.  That I spent SO MANY FUKKING YEARS wondering what was wrong with me!  What did I do wrong, why couldn’t I make myself into the person that DH might want to spend time with (euphemism there…in case you missed that!)

This last weekend was difficult (see previous posts) and simply highlighted the issues I am dealing with (on a personal level).  And while those issues were highlighted I became angry with DH (this anger comes in waves) (AND I am apparently going to use a lot of parenthesis in this post!) for not telling me how he felt sooner.  I have heard his excuses: I didn’t want to hurt you, I thought you would change, and ..what-tha-fuk ever else he wants to say.

So today is Tuesday and DH and I normally meet after work today.  I just cannot do it.  The weather is/has been bad and is not going to improve.  I also have been sleeping like shite (see above comments about anger issues!) and frankly just want to go home and get some quiet time.

So I let DH know about this and it is OK by him (joy) and then he asks about my sleeping and am I getting sick and…oh BITE ME!  I mean…dude…I’m sorry but don’t tell me about how you are concerned about me.  I don’t WANT your concern!  Please don’t be a “nice guy!”  I don’t mean he should insult me and be a total DICK! But don’t be a TWAT either! (Don’t ask me what…but I just KNOW there is a difference when speaking of personalities!)  Just leave your concern for my well being at the door.  I don’t want it!

I think…over all…my decision NOT to see DH tonight…is the right one. (!)

 

I love my housemates. They offered to share their house and life with me… At a time I felt I had no where to go. They are warm and generous women. I thank the Universe they brought me into their home.

At the same time it is occasionally difficult

They are a typical couple. They love, argue, have good days and bad. The loving and good days can be the hardest for me. Not because I’m not thrilled to see them happy… But it is a sharp contrast to how my life has been (with DH) as well as how it is now.

Yes, DH and I have had some good times but that loving behavior has been missing for a very long time. And yes, I am dating and have found lovely companionship…. AND I’m scared shitless to even consider finding LOVE. I don’t know if I will be willing to trust it… It myself. But it doesn’t make seeing it… In others… Any easier.

It is surprising how good I can feel… And then come home to this wonderful couple… And suddenly my heart aches.

This is a difficult part of my life right now. I wonder if it will be this way… For the rest of my life. I hope not.

EDIT: And so, following this post I watched RENT (on FOX) with my girls.  And …  GAWD.  I couldn’t watch the 2nd half with them.  I went on the back porch and balled my eyes out.  Then I told them I just got really tired all of a sudden and I went to bed.  And I cried again.  I was not crying because I was alone.  I was crying because I was watching them cuddle up and attend the performance TOGETHER (yes, on TV…).  They hugged each other during the sad parts.  They held hands and cuddled.  They danced when they could dance.  And I, in the room, participated and appeared joyful and happy (because who tha fuk wants to mess with their happiness) But… my brain kept going back to the last 10 years of my marriage.  When DH and I  were not like that with each other.  And I mourned and cried and I still kinda want to do that today!  I cannot even celebrate my weight loss at the moment.  I am now down to 311.  I should be happy.  But … AAAARRRGGGHHH!!!!!