So I’m solo here

And few understand

It’s very hard.

Will be fine.

I want to be OK. I really do.

It’s just not yet happening. I wish it were.

I will be be well.

It’s how I roll

I will be well.

Promise. I will be.

I went to my annual Christmas dinner with friends and family this evening OK technically Christmas Eve…

I wasn’t looking forward to it but I wasn’t dreading it I knew it would be fine and things would go well.

My nephews made my night…

There were 15 people there and the boys and I sat at one end of the table across from my ex and his sisters.

All night long the boys just kept showing me dirty Memes that made me laugh so hard. I had tears coming out of my eyes.

Definitely unconventional but worth the drive

Christmas is the 5th anniversary of my father’s death.

Nuff said.

Cyrano is my dog.

Almost 15 years ago I entered a pet smart store and found Cyrano

He has been my best bud for years.

Today I found out that he has a lung tumor that is fairly aggressive, generally not painful, But definitely deadly.

Cyrano and Apollo have been with my ex since I left.

I could not remove the dogs for multiple reasons but I wanted to.

I miss both of them more than I can say but my ex needed their company more than I did.

My ex had told me about six weeks ago someone was expelling blood in someway. I determined it was most likely from his respiratory system.

I found out today it was definitely Cyrano and he has a tumor.

Maybe he has six months.

Since I left my baby will barely look at me, he is very mad at me and doesn’t seem to want to resolve things.

OK he’s a dog… I get it…

I want to bring him to my house and keep him here and I won’t because that would be wrong.,

It would be wrong for my ex and wrong for my dog.

He is 15 years old.

He has been a good dog; a good friend.

I know it’s coming and I will certainly survive it because I am a person who survives things.

But my heart is breaking. It really is.

As well known … work has been a little slice of hell.

But I have to say I am rather proud of myself.

I’m getting it organized.

My docs are happy.

My patients are happy.

I … am working 50+ hours a week. A bit less happy.

But even in that … I have always handles work stress fairly well. I rather thrive in that environment.

Wish I didn’t. But I do.

Last of my vacation time is next week. Really looking forward to it.

So it’s like this… I know that millions of women and men have survived divorce.

They have come out better, while… Themselves.

I am not going to come out worse.

But there are times it just feels horrible. So many other things could be happening… Could be worse.

But part of me just feels like breaking down and I am dying inside.

I’m not. I know this.

I am not trying to be drama queen… But I’m succeeding.

I just don’t know how to get through the night. This is the hardest part for me.

I miss having someone there. No I do not miss my EX there I just… Miss someone there … I know this.

I need to get my shit together. Be “OK” with me.

I’m working on it.

I will be well.

Just give me time.

I need to give myself … time.

I had a wonderful weekend.

I cooked a DELISH birthday dinner for 15, JJF and myself.

Spent time with friends.

Pampered myself a bit and pampered others. Really… it’s the pampering others that makes me happy.

Now headed into a new week. Will be busy and difficult but I’ll handle it.

Now onto planning Christmas dinner with friends.

I know I was a drama queen about my birthday. I know.

I guess sometimes I just get maudlin about things I cannot change.

It always gets better … and it is.

I know I said I hate whining. And I do, but here it comes…

Today I turned 53 years old today

It’s kind of slightly killing me.

I don’t want to be half through with my life.

I cried and broke down last night like I haven’t done in a long time.

I have never been good with my birthday. Since the day I turn 30 it’s been Trumatic every year. I hate that about myself but it’s true.

I spent last night crying and breaking down and knowing that I was stuck. I had broken a marriage I had no one to comfort me.

And then my girlfriend called me. She’s been through it worse than I ever thought I could ever have it. And she listen to me scream and cry. And scream and cry I did do. Much to my Shame.

I don’t want to be that person and yet every year my birthday comes around and I hate it!

I want to been sanguine about the whole thing. Mature open amazing… But I’m not.

I am stupid and immature and hate that I am one year older.

Maybe one day that will change.

I spent the day watching Broadway shows that were videoed: Shrek the musical, Phantom of the Opera and Les Miserables.

Between those classics I listen to Todrick Hall, Nicole Slezenger and Ivy LeVan.

Mix the pop in the classical and that’s where I am. And every couple of hours I cry for no fucking good reason.

Wallowing in a bit of self-pity and I don’t even deserve it.

Tomorrow is a new day. And in three months things will be different. I hold onto that anthem.

In three months it will be different. I swear it!

In under 2 hours I m 53 years old.

This is not an enjoyable thought for me.

Others are older.

So very many are younger

I have never had a good time with my birthday. Honestly …. I’m that woman who wants you to fukking remember it but assure me I do NOT look it.

I hate that about myself.

I want to be all chill. Like … no biggie … that’s what I want … but it’s not who I am.

I hate getting older. Especially now. Time is running out. And I know it.

I’m not young. Im not sexy. I know this. Just older.

Closer to 60. Ughhhh.

Oh well …. bring it on!!

Is the worst time in the world

Just sayin’