Take a bit of responsibility!

This last Thursday I went up north (about a 4 hour drive) to visit my BFF.  DH was well aware when I was leaving and it was not a surprise.  As I am hefting my suitcase and incidentals bag out DH says, “oh! you’re leaving now?”  well DUH! (in my head) but out of my mouth came, “Yes, did you need something?”  He mentioned we had not had an opportunity to talk that past Sunday and I agreed (because I went home to care for our dogs and he stayed and got drunk…and I don’t like him when he is drunk).  So I asked if he wanted to talk and I sat down.  He appeared a bit surprised but then we had a conversation.  I am not really sure if I really think it is a conversation or not…but for arguments sake that is what I’ll call it.

He started with reminding me how changes made for one’s self are hard enough to maintain  but when made for someone else they are unlikely to stick. He doesn’t feel the changes I am making are going to stick.  “And you don’t want to put in the time?” was my comment, query…really a bit of both.  He gave me a thin-lipped nod.  His hands were clasped in his lap.  There was a bit of silence…”You want a divorce” and that was a statement from me.  Again he gave a hand-clasped, thin-lipped nod.  OK…so … happy weekend to me!  I took a deep breath, made a couple of pertinent sounding statements.  Like: we need to assess our finances and you need to give me an itemized list of information about where our money is going- and – I want to be able to move into a small mobile park home and I am taking one of our dogs with me.  All stated in a reasonable and considerate tone.  I explained I wasn’t putting demands or restrictions on him but these are my concerns.  He did apologize “I’m sorry for letting this go so far”  That is the part where I almost lost it.  “Honey (yes, dammit still using that moniker) I understand you are but please, at this time, I can’t stay and listen to any apologies from you right now”. Another hand-clasping, thin-lipped nod.  And I left for the weekend.

Now I am really pissed off because DH didn’t have the fortitude to say what he thought to me.  He made ME say it.  All in the name of “not wanting to make me feel bad”  “I don’t want to be like my dad”.  OK…so let me get this straight. You didn’t want to say it so I don’t feel bad so instead you made me say it so YOU FEEL BETTER!?!?!?!?!? Kinda feeling a giant FUK YOU coming on right now.

While it was a good weekend in many senses.  Good time with good friend.  But it was also a horrid weekend.  My brain just wouldn’t stop.  On Sunday I hibernated in the bedroom because I didn’t want to go home!  I finally did…just didn’t want to.

The weight of MY world is sitting on my chest right now (no-don’t call 911 I am not having chest pains).  I got up and came into work today.

Accomplishment.