It’s 4 am. As the title says.

About to be Sunday.

This week I buy a house.

This week I move.

This week I start a new chapter.

This week.

This week.

This week is scaring the fuk out of me!

I just sent $40,000 to my title company for 20% down on my new house.

OK I am exceedingly stressed about this.

I know it’s necessary I know it’s what it is.

But oh my God $40,000.

Most of my savings.

It will be OK just a little bit freaking out.

It will be OK.



Ok folks. Stop.

I don’t need to be with a bunch of folks on the impending holiday.

I understand you don’t want me to be alone.

Please understand that … maybe I need to be. I need to re-figure our the holidays. Find MY zen here.

Please stop telling me you “Don’t want me to be alone”. Sometimes it is better to be alone than to FEEL alone in a roomful of semi-strangers.

I’m not feeling negative or sorry for myself. I just know me. And I’m thinking solo, while it may seem lonely to some, is better than the alternative.

So THANK YOU ALL. But stop I’m fine.

So I still have a key to my exes house.

At the moment I am using it and will through the beginning of December to move out. All my stuff finally gone.

My brother is adamant that I give the key back to My Ex when I’m all done.

Should I do that?

My brother seems to feel that this will be a final act and that then everything is behind me.

I’m torn.

I don’t know what I will do.

Time will tell.



Appraisal passed with flying colors.

Now I wait for final financial approval.

Plan is to close next Tuesday. I’ll work Wednesday then move out of the girls house on thanksgiving.

Ex and a friend will move mig stuff the next day.

Then I’ll be in.

My own house.

I’m excited and scared at the same time. Coming home to an empty home. That’s the part that scares me.

I just need to get used to it. Get used to being alone. I will. Just will take time.

Excited because I really am looking forward to having my own home.

It will be fine. I will be well.

I need to fully stand on my own two feet.

So I will.

I am strong.

Finally watching Avengers:Endgame

Saw all of the previous Avengers movies with my friends.

When Endgame came out … they all went and I wasn’t invited. I get it.

But until now I just could not watch it.

Tonight I watch.

I must move forward.

It may seem small. Inconsequential.

But to me it is a huge step.

Whining…

I feel it’s all I do here.

So I’m tired of it.

Yet… I promised honesty.

So I’m conflicted.

And again, I’m whining.

Fukking sucks ass.

So I don’t know what to write.

And a brand new baby boy is brought into this world.

It is a miracle. An everyday one… but a miracle nonetheless.

I’m not immune to the beauty of the event.

It makes me happy.

And today I’m packing up part of my former life.

Putting memories into boxes.

And in another part of town two wonderful people are celebrating the start of a new chapter in their lives. Celebrating moving forward.

I too need to celebrate moving forward. It’s different. It doesn’t involve a miracle. But I do see parallels.

New chapters. It’s about new chapters.

A young friend of mine is giving birth.

In one month, approximately, I turn 53.

I feel very unsettled.

I am so happy for her. I want nothing but the best for her.

I feel so very unsettled.

Narcissistic.

Is nothing about me.

Narcissistic.

I hate my brain



Ever had the feeling something is about to happen but you don’t know what?

That’s how I feel.

Is it just my brain?

Is it just anxiety?

I don’t know.

I don’t feel anxious. Upset. Concerned.

I just feel like SOMETHING is impending.

” it’s something new any day I will know right away … soon as it shows”

Yup.

Just let it happen.

Who knows.