I went on a date.

I ordered checks. Actual checks.

Watched a new movie.

Tried to get new license and tabs but it was a 5 hour wait!!!!

Registered with the county.

Put on a pretty dress.

And now. …

Now …

Ever seen a train crash coming?

And you are powerless to prevent it…

Unwilling to walk away before it happens?

Yup…

That’s me.

It’s ok.

Better than not knowing it’s coming. I know. I have been there before.

So I’ll wait and watch.

And in the long run it will be fine.

I will be fine.

For now I’ll ride the train.

I just learned of the death of two friends of mine.

Kathy… Estranged, so selfish, self absorbed, so kind at unexpected moments… Gone from lung cancer she was in her 60s.

My girlfriends husband… Gone from renal cancer within six months. I didn’t even know this was a problem because my girlfriend and I are not super close anymore.

Memorial service to attend on Friday.

I am grieving.

I am grieving the loss of history.

I am grieving the loss for my girlfriend.

Part of this makes me afraid of my own mortality.

Which makes me terribly selfish and I note.

But I still cry!

And so a memorial service to attend on Friday.

Stand strong for my friend. Her loss is the important loss. Mine is just memories.

God. Both of them gone so young.

It’s been one week since I signed the paperwork and bought a house.

It’s been eventful.

I moved in on Thanksgiving Day and the day after.

I’ve run into stupid electrical stuff … wtf do I know about GFCI outlets? And how was I to know that if I flip a breaker because of one I would need to push a stinking button???

I installed a programmable thermostat! All by my little old self.

Came home from work sick as a dog yesterday and had to totally baby myself.

Keep clipping my mirror on the garage door!

But mainly … learning to live with myself. It’s only been one week. I haven’t made great strides. But I will.

A few years ago my Ex, who didn’t know what to do for me because of my depression over my fathers death and the slow and painful death of my marriage, gave me a bed for my birthday.

He took me to our favorite furniture store. He told me to pick out whatever I wanted.

I got a beautiful king sized sleigh bed.

All wood.

Lovely carvings.

I love this bed.

While looking for a new home … one of my criteria was to have a room for this bed.

Well I’m in my home. In MY bed.

And I still love it. But I’m the only one in it… and I still sleep on one side and on the edge of it.

Not close enuff to fall (usually). But on the edge nonetheless.

Why? I can sleep in the middle. Why don’t i?

Is it too soon?

Have I not had enuff time… sleeping alone in a double bed… hating every moment of it?

I try to move to the middle… why the hell not? But I gravitate to the edge.

Ughhhh

I guess this will just take time.

Last night… was my first night alone in my house.

A couple of friends who live in the neighborhood came over with whiskey and beer … oh yes… and Doritos.

I have two comfy chairs and 4 hard wooden kitchen ones. They didn’t care.

Had no light in the living room but the TV gave a glow.

We laughed and talked and I got quite drunk. I had eaten little for the past two days and after all the hard work I hurt like a motha-fukker. It didn’t take much.

After about four or five hours I told my friends I had to sleep. One of the women came down … crawled into bed with me and just held me a moment. She told me everything would be alright, kissed my hair and tucked me into bed. I can never repay the kindness of last night.

They knew I was anxious. They did what they could to help. And their company did exactly that.

They came over again today and helped me get everything in the room it needed to be in. Not unpacked… that would be insane. But all boxes and bags are where they need to be. One of the guys brought his mulching mower and took care of the leaves.

I am grateful for my friends. It wasn’t easy letting them help. But as a good friend of mine tells me, allowing others the opportunity to help you…helps them as well.

I am sitting in a wooden rocker staring out my front window as I wait for the cable guy.

I am alone in my house, for the first time, for an extended period of time.

It’s not an uncomfortable sensation…it is unusual but I think I can get used to this.

My ex and our mutual friend are returning the moving truck getting us dinner and getting a hose for the dryer.

I am watching the neighbors, drinking coffee and trying to calm my aching body.

I am looking forward to my first shower in my new home. But before I can do that I need to get a shower curtain.

This is going to be an interesting night.

Interesting can be good.



365 days ago I was not able to do anything.

The only thing I could do was get out of bed to go to work.

Today I move into my new home!

Today I start a new chapter

I am excited/scared… But mostly excited!

Life is good!

But tonight I performed my ritual.

I went to the house, stripped off all my clothes, ran around the house naked, stomped my feet and performed a little bit of a dance, and sang a song.

Then I put two things that I love in the kitchen window.

I know it sounds silly and amazingly juvenile but this is me!

This is my home. This is my OZ and I will not leave it.

I’m happy. 

Tomorrow I move in; leave the girls home.

I begin a new adventure and I look forward to it.

Visit me anytime.

Tomorrow I sign the works.

I become a homeowner.

I have to say that I’m kinda freaking out a bit.

I don’t know if this is normal or not.

But it doesn’t matter. I am.

Wow.

As a good friend of mine says “Fuk me running! “