How does one do this?

I am 53 (54 in December).

What is growing old gracefully?

I feel amazing.

I feel empowered.

I also feel old.

It’s frustrating

Ok… so there is a historical perspective on Valentines Day… but Hallmark and the chocolate industry HAS totally co-opted it.

Here is a dirty little secret.

I have never had a true Valentine dance. A real Valentine date that I didn’t have to plan (and then find great sorrow because it just never turned out… for any number of reasons). A card or flower that I didn’t give first… which reminded others of the day.

I’m sure there are others out there who have experienced the same. I don’t know how they feel… I barely know how I feel at this stage in my life.

I am very tempted to just hide that weekend.

Do I even want a real Valentine anything? Or will I be disappointed again or … maybe worse … have a great one and never to be repeated.

Blah blah blah “to have loved and lost” … ya. I agree but… still.

Well I don’t know what I will do.

Time will tell.

I love my Friday mornings.

So much promise for the weekend.

I wake to Oberon. Who wonders why my alarm didn’t go off at 0430.

Let him out. Start my Bodum coffee. Strong, smooth and comforting.

Have a smoke or two (yes I know … please don’t need the lecture).

Watch the sun (so to speak in winter in Michigan).

Put in music or a musical.

Just chill and enjoy the morning.

I love Friday mornings.

I think I hate Netflix.

I find a new (or old) series and become obsessed.

I don’t neglect my house, bills, work and other responsibilities. But in my spare time… binging Netflix can become a bit of an obsession.

I dislike the obsession bit.

I get it.

New seasons … new series.

But it’s really pissing me off.

So my ex came over tonight …

We played a board game …

We talked taxes…

We talked his relationship woes …

And as we parted I thought “Thank god! Go!”

Is this normal? I mean… I just wanted my house back to my own house and him to leave.

He wasn’t intrusive.

He was polite.

But once businesses was taken care of I was thrilled to see him leave.

Ahhhh… well. Who knows.

I love this show. It’s fun. It’s entertaining.

It set me up for disappointment.

Two women in their 70s+. Living their best lives. Finding themselves. Finding company. Finding love.

It is what I desire.

It is what I want.

And I’m not living that life.

I’m in my 50’s. Living … to a certain degree.

But there HAS to be more.

There must be…

Please confirm there is more…

Mom is in the hospital because she threatened to commit suicide … again.

She uses this “threat” at least every 12-18 months. Every time life gets too hard. Even before dad died.

And every dam time it is some else’s fault … someone made her feel this way.

It’s frustrating.

It’s sad.

I’m frustrated and sad.

I hate this.

Until I hear from a reliable … third party … I can live in denial.

Then I hear from a third party.

I can no longer live the fantasy.

Ok.

Get it together babe.

You got this.

About 5 inches of snow around my house today.

Heavyweight, wet snow.

And I got to clean it up!

Ok… so for some this is a horrid chore and I’ll admit there will be some years I will curse it.

But my driveway is about 1 1/2 cars long (not counting the apron). Then a decent but not scary sidewalk; front porch and back deck.

It was wonderful.

May I admit I really need to work on my upper body strength though? My arms are gonna pay for this later.

I have always enjoyed shoveling snow and raking leaves. For me these are meditative exercises.

I could use warmer boots though.

So while many others are cursing the snow I am celebrating it.

It CAN stop now though! LOL

I vassalate: happiness vs anxiety.

Is this normal?

One day I’m perfectly happy with who I am.

Next day I’m full of anxiety and self-doubt.

I dislike this.

I wish to be stable and centered. Truly!

Pisses me off.