Work is kicking my bootie!  But enuff of that topic.

Talked with my Chiropractor last night.  My hips and back are clicking with almost every step.  He said that indicates my tendons are tight and gave me some specific stretches to perform.  Interestingly he said he doesn’t like the elliptical machines for cardio.  He would prefer I walk and or bike.  OK.  I will do that.

I am going to see my PCP this upcoming Tuesday.  My joints (knees, hips/shoulders and even elbows) really hurt.  Like A LOT!  I would just like them to do an assessment and if this is just arthritis and I need to deal I will.

ARRGH! I sound like a persistent problem!

All I seem to do is complain.  I don’t want to.  I do believe in the power of positive thinking…I don’t walk around all day and complain to my friends or co-workers.  I don’t think…

ARRRRRRGH!

Took a couple days off of writing. The weekend felt overwhelming.  I’m trying not to be a persistent complainer.  This blog is for me to get things out that keep rolling in my head but I feel like I am just complaining.  I’m not trying to.  There is a forest in the trees somewhere and I will find it!

This weekend was overwhelming because I was alone.  DH had gone up-north to “think” for the weekend.  Have I mentioned, previously, I had tried to get him up there to spend time w/me and our friends for the past 2 years?!?!  Yes, I did mention it.  I won’t go on further about that…

While DH was “thinking” I was overwhelmed.  I wanted to go out but I felt afraid to.  Friends invited me out to go to a party around the Dream Cruise but I was afraid to go.  I am not really ready to be social with people who smoke.  I am very afraid to light up another cigarette.  I feel that if I do then THAT’s IT! DH will only see that I had a cigarette.  He won’t see that, OK I have been trying but for that moment, I fell.  And I am gonna pick myself up again.  So I didn’t go to the party.

Thought about going to see a movie … then I didn’t do that either.  Thought about it and just felt apathetic and also weirdly overwhelmed by just going to see ANY movie! and not having to be concerned about what WE might be able to agree to see.

I also felt overwhelmed by the stuff I could do to be productive.  Does that sound stupid? I think it does.  I know I don’t have to complete EVERYTHING or even one thing.  I just have to start it.  Nope…didn’t do that…so overwhelmed I did nothing.  I DID do my laundry: go me! Did take good care of my dogs: go me!  I am not going to list what I didn’t do.  It will just make me more frustrated.

OK, made it to work today, as usual, GO ME!

Gym… Not today. I wanted to go before the chiropractor appointment but I didn’t. So I funny believe it is an excuse but dam my back hurts. Could barely stand straight and I just couldn’t go

Now am sry the hospital to accompany my mom for her colonoscopy appt. Back feels a bit better… But still sore

I will reassess later and if I can I’ll go later today

I’m wracked with guilt about not going… Could I have pushed thru the pain?. Should I have pushed thru?. Aaaaargh

Aaaaaargh

Feel kinda weird today.  Bit…up in the air…unsure of what is coming my way…a bit anxious.  Must be the rain.

Dinner last night was a good one.  I was supported and there was advice.  But while it was a deep and thoughtful conversation it wasn’t heavy and uncomfortable.  I appreciate his friendship and support.  I do wish I had the confidence, in me, that he has.  He said “I wish I could kill the little man in your head that tells you everything you do is wrong and bad”. I wish he could, too, but that is my responsibility.

DH asked me to move to the upstairs bedroom.  I, of course, will because frankly I don’t want to be where I am unwanted.  But I did ask him a couple things: what about teh dogs (typically I take care of them before work every morning and this might be a problem if I come and wake him up when I get them), am I still expected to do his laundry? (never had a problem w/that but I kinda wonder…ya know…if I am not welcome to sleep w/him should I then be responsible for his stuff?).  I won’t move everything upstairs (I have HEAVY furniture) and from upstairs there are only two places to go (1) back into our marriage bed or (2) to my own place.  Either would mean I have to move everything back down!  f-that!

DH states he is going to go up-north w/mutual friends for the weekend.  Get away and think.  I do think it is a good idea.  Oddly I have tried to get him to come up-north w/me but he always says it is too far (4h drive) and a waste of time and he has other things he wants/needs to do and it’s a waste of time and too far … get the picture?  So he will possibly leave late Friday but he has a giant thing going on at work and it may not be reasonable for him to get up there Friday night.  So he goes Saturday and comes home Sunday.  I’ve done that. It isn’t hard but it feels like I am in the car forEVER!  It is nice to know he is willing to do this.  Feels less nice to know he is NOT willing to do this with me.

I’m getting pissed.  I really need to not be so pissed b/c I need to be clear about what I realistically do have the right to be upset about and what I do not have that right to.  When I get pissed I just see red…and get in trouble.

Ah well…another day in paradise.

As of 6pm tonight I will have not had any cigarettes for 1 week. My official quite date/time is 8/8/2018 @ 1800.  YAY ME!  I say that to myself.  I really don’t want anyone else to say it to me.  It isn’t an accomplishment to celebrate quite yet.  But in my head it is enough for a pat on the back.

Have successfully gone to the gym Monday and today this week.  It was a real challenge both days because my lower back/hips do hurt.  But I pushed through and I am glad I did.  Will go again Friday morning then hit up my Chiropractor right after that.

Have dinner with a good friend tonight.  He is a friend to both myself and DH.  I suspect he is going to try to play a consoling role and try to find a reasonable way for me to get back into DH’s good graces.  I suspect he will listen and then try to guide.  I only suspect these things.  I’m going to dinner with him because he IS a good friend and I respect him.  I’m rather distressed about it though because I have a hard enough time talking to myself (out-loud) but to say it to one of our dear mutual friends.  Not only that but I don’t want to hear anything about how fair OR un-fair the whole thing is.  I don’t want to hear I am wrong or I am right.  I know, in my heart, so many times I have been wrong and I have handled things poorly.  I also am certain the same can be applied to DH. I am trying to take responsibility and I think sympathy/empathic concern can be a pit-fall for me.

Don’t get me wrong, I certainly don’t want anyone pointing at me and yelling WITCH WITCH, BITCH BITCH…  I am fairly certain that would only raise hackles and make me pull out my collection of dog shit to throw at them.

I am a complicated mess.

But, I will say, for today and this moment, this 24 hours, I am pleased with the two, aforementioned, items in my life.

I am not really good with money.  I poorly track and I am compulsive.  When I want something I get it and when I am upset I spend more money.

Last night it came to the fore again.  In the past 2 months I have spent about $1,000 on GAME app stuff.  Yes…GAME APP STUFF.

DH is, understandably, upset.  I can tell you, also, I did this knowingly.  I remember when I would purchase something (oh so easy to do on the iPhone) there would be this little thought…flitting thru my brain…flitting but absolutely heard…”this is so gonna get you in trouble”  And it did.

DH is pissed and I don’t blame him.  I do blame me and I should not have done it.  I do know I was angry at him and this was a (CHILDISH) way to get back at him.  It hurts him but it also hurts me.  STUPID STUPID STUPID.

No wonder Steve feels I am broken and cannot ever repair myself.  I sabotage myself often.  I need to stop this

I tell ya, I am fearful I am setting myself up for a giant fall.  I am working hard to exercise 3-4 times/week.  So far, part-way into week 2 and I am still doing it.  Even w/the back pain I am going and pushing through it.  I have quit smoking.  And now, day 6 no smoking, I am doing it.  This is, in no way, a guarantee but it is longer than I have ever done in the past.  Now I have deleted all gaming apps on my phone.   So, this is actually really difficult too, I really enjoy the time-out gaming gives me.  But then again I probably need a lot less time-out-time.

I asked DH to work 24 hours at a time (building trust and love). I asked he not look forward 6 months with the expectation I will fail.  He is of the opinion that whatever I do succeed at will only be short term and he can never trust me (NEVER should be in all caps and giant electric letters) to follow through.  I get that, totally get that, and I have asked he not look to months down the road.  Just look to 24 hours.  He has said, at this time, he cannot he is only able to focus on the past.  I am moving to the upstairs bedroom. “A bit of space may be good for us”

OK: so here is when I usually say to myself and to whomever is putting demands on me: FUK YOU! and go and fall backward and do what I want.  I am not going to do that this time.  I am not gonna do that in THIS 24 hours.  Tomorrow morning I am making that choice again.

I believe pain is going to become my friend for the upcoming months.

I KNOW it doesn’t really Halen this way but it sue seems like I take one step in the right direction and am pushed backward by the Universe.

Went to the gym Saturday and tried a different elliptical machine. This machine requires either more balancer of strength than I have. It just felt wrong. I was on it for less than 60 seconds and I was uncomfortable. I got off and went to my usual type of machine. Did my elliptical thing and went home. Thru the day my lower back and hip area got tighter and tighter. Then went to a baseball game and sat in the super comfy chairs for 3 hours.

Sunday my back/hips hurt but I pushed thru it and was very productive!. I had to stop often to sit or stretch but I got a lot accomplished.

Today did go to the gym and did a10 minute walking warm up followed by 30 minute lower body weights. When I tried to do 20 min cardio I almost died! (Figuratively). I lasted 5 minutes. I showered and hobbled into work.

I was able to get to the chiropractor office and it helped but he indicated this will take a bit of time to get back in place.

It’s frustrating. That’s all I’m saying. Frustrating.

Our feels like the Universe is conspiring against me. I know it isn’t. I really do.

Today I’m focusing on the positive… Like I am positive it will be rather difficult to get thru the day without smoking. It won’t be impossible… But it will be difficult. Sunday is my fav day too relax, read, sit outside and smoke. While I can do all the things mentioned it will challenging without smoking. So I feel like I really shouldn’t do those things quite yet…OK then. I’ll just have to get over it. I am pretty sure this is one of those times I just need to stick it up.

I did have a lovely time at the baseball game last night. Saw old friends. Watched my team loose. Had a beer. Good dinner. Two thumbs up for that evening.

Well tis laundry/cleaning and get my hips back in place day, today. I’m feeling good about my achievement prospects… Wonder what to make for lunches this week. Maybe meatloaf…we shall see

One of my dogs likes to pee in the house when he is mad or bored. When I have not payed attention I receive a lecture about how irresponsible I am. DH doesn’t want to hear my excuses. When DH hasn’t payed attention he has reasons that are perfectly reasonable and any reasoning person would reasonably understand his reasons.

Our yearly subdivision dues are…Past due. I had reminded DH twice, in an email, about them. I never received a reply. Monday we have the yearly meeting of the neighbors. I stuck my head out the door and mentioned the dues. I was not yelling… Rather flat affected. Reminded him and told him to do this today if he had not. He said he hasn’t done it and I should listen to his reasons. I did. Perfectly reasonable reason. I then mentioned I would not have bothered him if he had bothered to respond to my emails. For some inexplicable reason he re-stated his reason.

This is a common thing. I don’t have reasons. DH can’t acknowledge my reasons because he can’t understand them. He doesn’t understand depression or apathy. When he feels bad, sick or any other negative emotion he pushes right thru it. It is one of the things I admire about him. I’m not that person. I wallow and roll around in the emotions until I’m so saturated a person can see the sweat of emotions on my skin. Then I pick myself up and slowly climb back into the world.

I kinda want to bash his face in right now. I won’t. But I want to.

Today is my day off of work. No one home. Days off are daunting.

Today I did go to the gym and worked out for about 1 1/2 hours. Good. Accomplishment

Still not smoking. Good. Accomplishment.

Now what ❓

I should: clean the house, grocery shop, get my nails done, organize anything, laundry, help the homeless, solve for world peace… ANYTHING!

I have done: nap 💤, played a couple games in my phone, read a few chapters …

I know what I should do. I’m not opposed to ding these things. I’m feeling paralyzed by what I should do…. And even tho I know I can do these things and I would ultimately be happy I did them… I remain listless.

Just writing today took such effort.

Stupid.