Have taken an unexpected hiatus from writing.  I like to write at work because my other main internet connection is my phone and…that is a pain in the ass to blog from.  Can’t type as fast or anywhere near as accurately on it.  I am orienting a new nurse so I don’t get a lot of alone time.

Things seem to have calmed down with DH.  He seems to have got a lot off his chest and now seems settled into being “OK-ish”.  I sense less stress and anxiety coming from him.  This has decreased my stress and anxiety but only marginally.  I am still frustrated because I don’t know what is happening.

I need to talk with him and find out what he is currently thinking.  I really do.  I am procrastinating this.  I have said this to myself for the past two weeks.  While he has ABSOLUTELY been busy there HAVE been times I have not taken the opportunity to speak with him.  I admit this is because I am afraid.  Just thinking about it gives me a heavy feeling in my chest (not like…cardiac…more like…anxiety). I don’t WANT to rock my boat.  I need to…but don’t want to.

If DH said he is just waiting for me to do something…then I am put in the position of, once again, instigating what needs to happen or needs to be said.

If DH says he is OK and just wants to wait and see what happens then I am put in the position of waiting upon his thoughts/plans.

If he says he wants me to leave then at least I have a direction eh?

Of course, I DO note that this is all…IF…and I really need the actual information from him.

And that is where I started.  I am afraid.

 

In Saugatuck with friends

Feeling very unsettled

Not sure how to feel about this: So apparently my two best female friends have know, for almost 2 years, that DH has been unhappy.  Both of them have tried (in round about ways) to tell me this.  OK…so………

I do understand they felt they needed to keep DH’s confidences and he (according to both) said not to tell me.  I get that.  But here is what I don’t get…they are my nearest and dearest friends.  WHY THE FUK didn’t they say something clear and concise to me?  Why try to go around and hedge words and such?  To spare the man who is not talking to his wife (their best friend) and possibly clue me into what is happening?  I’m sorry but confidences only go so far.  If they didn’t want to break his confidence IMHO they should have said “DH…man up because if you don’t then I am telling your wife about what is going on. You aren’t being fair or right!” or…something like that.

Like I said, I do get why they didn’t say anything…I do.  But I cannot help but feel a bit hurt that they have known there is a problem for a long time and only tried to tell me about it … sort of… but not directly…to PROTECT DH!

FUK THAT!

And the universe does a nice job of reminding me that I am not the only one with pain: One of my dearest friends lost her dad this week.  Her mom died 7 weeks ago (almost to the DAY). She has been so busy working with her dad and trying to make sure he is all set. Teaching him how to use the check book!  Getting everything all set (just in case he were to die suddenly…GAH) and everyone’s name is on everything.  She went to Vegas for a friend’s wedding and a much needed vacation.  She was scheduled to come home on Tuesday but got a call on Monday he had died at home.  Sadly, he was not found immediately, but about 3 days after-the-fact.  She was able to get a emergent flight home Monday night.

DH and I have both been trying to support both her and her husband.  She is at her wit’s end (does wit’s have an apostrophe? or is it just wits?… I think it has a floating comma…) DH is, as always, fantastic in this regard. He is phenomenal when acute support is needed.  I applaud him.

My heart goes out to my friend.  She is so sad because she felt she was finally connecting to her father.  He was a gruff and not-so-very affectionate person.  He was verbally abusive to her mother and younger sister and I suspect it didn’t end there.  But with the loss of her mother she was finding some comfort and connection w/her dad that had never been there in the past.  For this I grieve for her.

I leave this post without any whining on my part.  My thoughts and my heart are with her and her whole family who are going through a whole lot of pain right now.

 

This last Thursday I went up north (about a 4 hour drive) to visit my BFF.  DH was well aware when I was leaving and it was not a surprise.  As I am hefting my suitcase and incidentals bag out DH says, “oh! you’re leaving now?”  well DUH! (in my head) but out of my mouth came, “Yes, did you need something?”  He mentioned we had not had an opportunity to talk that past Sunday and I agreed (because I went home to care for our dogs and he stayed and got drunk…and I don’t like him when he is drunk).  So I asked if he wanted to talk and I sat down.  He appeared a bit surprised but then we had a conversation.  I am not really sure if I really think it is a conversation or not…but for arguments sake that is what I’ll call it.

He started with reminding me how changes made for one’s self are hard enough to maintain  but when made for someone else they are unlikely to stick. He doesn’t feel the changes I am making are going to stick.  “And you don’t want to put in the time?” was my comment, query…really a bit of both.  He gave me a thin-lipped nod.  His hands were clasped in his lap.  There was a bit of silence…”You want a divorce” and that was a statement from me.  Again he gave a hand-clasped, thin-lipped nod.  OK…so … happy weekend to me!  I took a deep breath, made a couple of pertinent sounding statements.  Like: we need to assess our finances and you need to give me an itemized list of information about where our money is going- and – I want to be able to move into a small mobile park home and I am taking one of our dogs with me.  All stated in a reasonable and considerate tone.  I explained I wasn’t putting demands or restrictions on him but these are my concerns.  He did apologize “I’m sorry for letting this go so far”  That is the part where I almost lost it.  “Honey (yes, dammit still using that moniker) I understand you are but please, at this time, I can’t stay and listen to any apologies from you right now”. Another hand-clasping, thin-lipped nod.  And I left for the weekend.

Now I am really pissed off because DH didn’t have the fortitude to say what he thought to me.  He made ME say it.  All in the name of “not wanting to make me feel bad”  “I don’t want to be like my dad”.  OK…so let me get this straight. You didn’t want to say it so I don’t feel bad so instead you made me say it so YOU FEEL BETTER!?!?!?!?!? Kinda feeling a giant FUK YOU coming on right now.

While it was a good weekend in many senses.  Good time with good friend.  But it was also a horrid weekend.  My brain just wouldn’t stop.  On Sunday I hibernated in the bedroom because I didn’t want to go home!  I finally did…just didn’t want to.

The weight of MY world is sitting on my chest right now (no-don’t call 911 I am not having chest pains).  I got up and came into work today.

Accomplishment.

I realize I said I would be moving upstairs this last Friday.  I didn’t.  I didn’t do it to make a statement…I didn’t NOT do it to make a statement either.

I’m feeling particularly wishy-washy about the whole dam thing.

I don’t want to make my DH’s life more difficult or put him in a position where he feels his back is against the wall.  But, frankly, I don’t want to be made to feel the same way.  I don’t really want to go upstairs because I feel this is just one step away from moving out of the house.  If I am out of sight then I am out of mind and then…I am out of the marriage. The marriage I don’t wish to dissolve.  I feel if I go upstairs it will make DH’s decision so much easier.  That having me out of the bedroom will make that last step just the easiest step at that point.

I feel very selfish making this decision…not to act…not to go upstairs.  But the fact is I don’t want a divorce and I don’t think that I should make the decision to stay married an EASY one for DH.  If he wants a divorce he is going to have to work at it.

Of course…it is possible…I may change my mind in the next 48 hours.  See…wishy-washy!

And the days go by.  This week at work has been much better.  My partner has been here and I am not covering her. YAY!  Intermittently covering a diff doc but that has not been problematic.

Off work tomorrow.  I think I am gonna just go ahead and move my stuff upstairs.  I think I, too, want some distance.  My main concern (in the immediate time-frame) is my dogs.  They are gonna wig out!  They don’t like it when one of us is sleeping in the bedroom with another in the living room!  They will have to adapt.

The next few weeks will be interesting, that is fer sure.

Feeling a bit apathetic. Not comatose…just…blah…not even worth a full bleck…

My plan for tomorrow is gym, get my nails done, arrange my house and stuff and get some of it upstairs..do my laundry.  If I have time I’ll go see Evil Dead the Musical which is playing downtown.  I know nothing about it but it looks like fun.

I really feel like DH is not able to make any decisions because he just doesn’t want to hurt my feelings.  I feel like he really no longer wants to be married to me and he just cannot bring himself to pull the, proverbial, trigger.

I wonder if I will enjoy a little separation or not.  It will probably stress me a bit and I’m sure I’ll not sleep quite as well as I usually do.  I also figure I will get over it.  Part of me is thinking…may as well get to it and get used to it.

Looking forward to the days I don’t whine as much!

Did go to the doctor’s office today.  Looks like the concerns for my elbows, knees and ankles are straight up advancing osteoarthritis.  I am not surprised. I am not thrilled but I can take it.  X rays were taken of my knees and back. She isn’t quite sure what the back problem is yet but we will keep evaluating that.

Joyfully my BP was like…zoom…high.  140s/100.  Took it two times.  Both times same thing.  Well PIFFLE!

I do take anti-hypertensive meds and they may not be doing quite the job they use to do.  I’ll be monitoring my BP over the upcoming couple of weeks to see what it is running, generally, daily.  Key: take it same time every day, same conditions.  My work-partner said she will gladly do this for me. Bless her little heart.

While I could say, I was in pain (and I was!) and that is why my BP is high…lets face it.  That is not likely the cause.  I have been noted to have slowly increasing BP levels the last couple years and yes, I have been ignoring them.  So: now I am not.  Pro-activity is the word for the day.

Speaking of proactive: mom had a colonoscopy and they removed quite a few pre-cancerous polyps and they are the genetic kind…AAARRGH! I hate colonoscopy testing.  But I guess I have to get off the stick and go ahead and schedule one now.

Adulting sucks sometimes…Even for those of us who are use to adulting.

This weekend, as anticipated, was difficult.  I was girding my loins (figuratively since I don’t really know how to actually gird them) and determined to get thru but I did have a bit of a setback.  I took one of my dogs (My Mighty Nightmare) into the vet to adjust his medications.  Nightmare is a wonderful dog.  Unfortunately he is also a sick dog.  He has atrial fibrillation, non-ischemic cardiomyopathy and pericardial and pleural effusions.  He is on meds to make his heart pump more efficiently, meds to slow his heart rate down and medications to try to get the fluid out of his system.  We did a pericardial tap one time and they got a lot of fluid out but it only helped for about 1 week.  It isn’t something we can put him thru every 2 weeks.

So I go into the vet and present my case for increasing his Lasix  The vet takes a good look at my dog and agrees with my assessment.  He didn’t even charge me for the visit! That was awesome.  And then he gently and with great kindness reviewed what our plan/end game is for Nightmare.  That is the part that done-did-me-in.

No one was home and I felt so alone and sad.  I did call DH and update him (nothing unexpected) but then felt even more alone.  I broke down and I went out and purchased AND smoked a pack of cigs.  While I feel disappointed I am not crushed.  I didn’t purchase any more the next day.  I am back on track and frankly feel no adverse or increased cravings since giving in on Saturday.  I know I shouldn’t need the physical crutch but dammit sometimes I do.  It was soothing sitting on my back porch, with my coffee and my dogs.  It was a soothing routine and it eased my tensions quite a lot.

I am not happy that I did do this but I understand the feeling behind it and I am giving myself permission not to beat myself up over it.  It is done and over.

Onto the next thing…

WICKED!

Huge fan of musicals.

With DH going up north again this weekend and me facing a completely empty house again I decided to check out Stub Hub (not promoting the site…it is just where I go when something is sold out)

Got myself the cheapest ticket to see Wicked on Saturday night.

Must remember to bring my kleenex.  I LOVE this show.  Makes me laugh and makes me cry.  I believe this will be the 6th time seeing it.

It is making me look forward to my weekend. And after the week (at work primarily) I have had…that is saying something!  This week has just been the shit. As in the dumper, crap, blah blah blah.  My partner is on vacation this week so my workload doubles at that time.  She doesn’t leave a lot of extra stuff and I really do not complain about it but sometimes the work can be overwhelming. C’mon Saturday!