I feel a general sense of nausea.

All the dam time.

I feel there is a knot of barbed wire in my lower abdomen and it is wrapped around a primal scream.  I am worried the scream will come out and the barbed wire will rip my stomach apart.

I try to take a deep breath and the barbed wire pulses and pulls.

I find comfort in keeping busy and seeing friends.  I find comfort in abandonment to a moment. For all the comfort I can find there is not enough comfort in the world to get me thru a day without this pain.

I imagine I must feel the pain and get to know it, intimately, before I am able to say good-bye to it.

I don’t cry all day or even everyday.  The pain is almost becoming a friend. Constant and reliable.  It doesn’t kick me down…It doesn’t lift me up.  It is just there.  I can understand how someone could become so familiar, comfortable and use to the pain they don’t want to let it go.

I don’t want to become that comfortable with it.  I want the pain to scar.  I want to eventually cover the scars.  I wish to be able to feel them but not feel sensation from them anymore.  I wish to run my hands over my abdomen and feel flesh, muscle, fat: the things that make my physical form.  I wish someone else’s hands run over that same flesh and not want to shrink away…afraid of opening the scars.

Meanwhile: I will deal with the nausea and the pain.  There will be relief one day.  On that day I may not even realize it.  I do hope that I (upon realizing there is no pain) don’t reach for the pain simply for the familiar.  I do hope I am stronger than that.

Yes, I do mean that!  I hope everyone has a very Happy New Year!

I hope I do too…but I admit I believe it is unlikely.

Good news, my weight is down.  Lost 13 pounds (down to 326 now).  Not really surprised because I can’t seem to finish a meal.  I do eat.  But I don’t really want to.  I wait until I am really hungry and then just pick.

Did see counseling this past weekend and DH is now aware I don’t want to continue the marriage.  JOYOUS DAY! It was amazing! (do you hear the sarcasm?)  As I told him this I felt like I kicked his puppy.  He was so surprised! He said he knows we can’t go back but he thought we could go forward.  Don’t I want to go forward?  Don’t I want to be better, healthier: for myself?!?  He actually did indicated (with as few words as possible) that the weight he could sort-a overlook…but the smoking….no way!

Aside: not sure I mentioned it previously, but my quitting smoking did NOT quite work…Not yet ready to try again tho.

Back on topic: It is so very nice he can try to overlook the weight problem.  Don’t know how since I am so big and unattractive it is hard to OVERLOOK me at all!  I don’t want anyone to overlook anything at all!  I want them to just understand and accept me…period!

I am waking up, every morning, and telling myself/my reflection that I am a GOOD person and I deserve love and company.  I don’t need to change for someone to love me.  I can expect to be loved in the way I love others.  I never wanted DH to change. I loved him AS HE WAS!  Ya know, I know he is really happy about losing the weight but my ideal man is NOT thinny…But I loved DH no matter what he looked like or weighed.  I didn’t look at him and think…well, too thinny for me! Wow, see those ears?  That bald head sure sets them off.

I want someone who doesn’t look at my lumps, bumps and divots and thinks…wow, she would be so pretty IF!

I hope to find that person.  If I don’t I still know that I am worth more than worrying how I will fail.

Apologies to Buffy…

Headed to counseling appt tomorrow with DH.

I’m trepidatious about this.

I went in a date. Two hours, talking, one drink, then home. Alone.

He is 14 years my junior. Says he would like to see me again. We have flirted in texts. We shall see. It was odd. Someone should call me Mrs Robinson.

Found out DH is interested in someone at work. Good… Bad… No it’s good. Really. Right?. I wasn’t his happiness. I was comfortable. Known. Someone else can be his happiness. I know this. I want this. But… Oh boy… I’m still stupid pissed. And of course I’m stupid pissed at myself for feeling this way. Viscious circle.

Maybe the counselor can help with this

Darling friend reminded me that there can be much growth after destruction. I did comment I’m not a forest. Then thought… Why not ?. I’ll be a burning forest and when I’m burned to the ground I’ll come back with magic, unicorns and glittery sprites.

So.. Going to counselor appt tomorrow…

Christmas is over.

Thank gawd.

Nuff said.

Ever feel like you should get a lecture on responsible behavior… And no one is delivering?

That is how I’m feeling this fine morning. I think it is a leftover from my Catholic upbringing.

I feel if someone gave me a”good talking to” I would be a-ok. All forgiven. All right with the world. Say 5 Hail Mary’s and be on my way… Promise to try to be better next time.

This is part of adulting. No one tells you how bad you were. No one spanks you and send you to bed without supper. You have to deal with your own behavior and reconcile it with what you know your behavior should have been.

I accept this… But I still feel a spanking might be in order!

OK, set up an appointment for “Family Therapy” for 12/29/18 at 10 AM  Did you know the term “Marriage Counseling” is passe now?

o…kay…

I feel a bit of anxiety over going to this appointment.  I am worried the counselor will try to talk me into moving back home.  I’m a bit stressed thinking that DH may feel since I am going to counseling I want to move back home.  I’m not THRILLED with speaking to a man (yes I said it) about my issues.  Such prejudice I know.  The mere fact I feel anxious about this when the therapist’s gender really should not play into his role as communications facilitator, etc.  I feel concern, don’t know if it is misplaced or not, that through counseling I will be coerced into suffocating those feelings and issues that I have already suffocated for the past 20 years.  I realize this concern is really ALL in my brain because I have not yet met this person and the dynamic of the interaction between himself and me, and DH and him and DH, me and him are all just hypotheticals at this time.  But I don’t deal well with hypotheticals…like…ever.  (Unless they don’t apply to me and then I’m all over them! LOL)

I don’t know if I am throwing a monkey wrench into the whole thing since I really do NOT want to continue the marriage.  Yes, I miss DH.  He is now, and has been, a good man.  In so many ways a good husband.  He would be a better husband to someone different though.  I would be better alone than in a relationship like I had with him.

Since moving out I have been more active, lost more weight, needed less sleep and felt basically much happier and lighter than I have in the past 10 years!  It isn’t because I am just “living the single life”  It is because I am not holding things in anymore.  There are no expectations on me to be someone different and to behave differently.  I can’t…won’t…go back to that.  I also do not see/visualize and cannot imagine trusting DH w/my heart again.  He was pissed off b/c I lied to him about smoking (a few years ago!) and then I did come clean and have not done that since.  He lied to me for over 25 years!  And I don’t believe my heart can risk it.  I don’t want to risk it.

Hell…event thinking forward and imagining myself trying to date (someone ELSE).  I don’t know if I will trust anyone else or be WILLING to trust anyone else.  I feel like I would be perfectly happy w/a single life for the next however long I have on this big blue ball.  I would prefer (at this time) casual relationships w/no strings.

Probably not very mature…

Time will tell.

OK…so the quote doesn’t EXACTLY fit…but it sorta fits and I love that quote.

“This House” is my brain.  I had last week off work.  I was very busy (for me).  Every day I went out and did something or met someone.  While home I cleaned/rested/meditated/crocheted /worked out or did any other of the myriad things that I can do on a day off.

This was the busiest week I have had off in almost 1 and 1/2 years.  In recent memory, for my time off, I seemed to be increasingly … sleepy.  I could spend all day in bed.  Sure, I would get up/go out for something specific but I had absolutely NO motivation to do anything on my own for myself or for my own home.

Last week I stayed busy and it felt great! I didn’t wallow and lay on my bed wondering what is wrong with me.  I wasn’t running around with frenetic motion either, as if to hold still might cause permanent damage.  I just kept doing stuff.

I did have one night of tearful self examination.  Sunday night, before returning to work on Monday, I cried most of the evening.  I cried because I felt lonely.  I am not… Lonely … I am surrounded by friends/family and love.  But…late at night…I am lonely.  I miss sleeping with my husband.  I miss being able to move my arm and feel him there or hold his hand.  I miss the occasional Sunday mornings just cuddling in bed watching channel 2 news and talking.  I miss personal space intimacy.

These are not reason to go back to my husband.  I do NOT miss a fair number of things as well…

Last weekend I had to call DH and update him on a mutual friend.  I was able to tell him that A) I wanted to get the information to him and B) I also just wanted to hear his voice.  I felt like that might have been a bit of a breakthru for me.

In 1 hour I have 10 days off work.  The longest hour of my life (it seems).

I have plans.  Get my hair done. Visit with my cousin.  Go out with DH for a birthday lunch.  But mostly I have nothing scheduled.  It is Kinda weird!

In the past couple-few years the thought of having time off was wonderful but if I had no concrete plans I would feel anxious.  Anxious because I knew I should do something like housework, yard work, any kind of productive work.  And I balked! I didn’t want to do those things.

Now I am feeling less depressed and more like myself but I am not living at my home.  So I’m contemplating being proactive with the girl’s home.  Cleaning it room by room during this upcoming week.

Let us see what happens I guess.

55 minutes to go!

So!  For the past months I can say that I have had NO INTEREST in SEX.  Like, no vibrator, no fantasies, no wishes…nuttin/zip/zero/nada.  The very thought of putting my lips against another’s lips…GAH! I wanted to vomit!

Well my hormones kicked into overdrive the other night.  I went to see my chiropractor (Dr. G).  I have been his patient for over 2 years.  He is a nice, fit and trim gentleman who has a long-time girlfriend and obviously enjoys spending time with her.  He and I have spent a few minutes, depending on how busy he is, just chatting but that is all. No flirting, ever, he is NOT my type!

Well, I have had some twinges in my back around L4-L5 and I asked him about preventing twinges and strengthening those muscles.  He then demonstrated variations on the plank pose when leaning on something.  His shirt wasn’t bulging.  He wasn’t flexing and glistening.  Fer gawd sake he was in a collared, button down gently plaid-ed shirt and Chinos!  I became so awkwardly aroused I wanted to fan myself!  He finished demonstrating and I gladly left the office with my … well … no way to gently say this … my nether-regions were ON FIRE and someone was beating a drum to the flames!

Had to drive over some RR tracks about 20 minutes LATER and I was still…bothered and wondered if I could possibly find about 7 minutes worth of RR tracks to run over.

I have never had that experience before.  Yes, a person has, in the past, got me all hot-and-bothered…But that was an intentional act.  I have become rather heated and horny reading certain books.  But I do not ever remember feeling like this during a regular day/with someone I normally see/doing something completely NOT sexual!

And it wasn’t like I was getting sex at home, PRE-SEPARATION, and suddenly I miss it.   NOPE!

But I’ll tell ya one thing…when I stopped by to see DH last night….I sure did pick up good ole reliable Mr Vibrator…yes sir!  And I can say…where I did think my lady-bits were maybe a bit broken…They were all fixed up yesterday!

I have been wondering, over the past few weeks, why I feel so calm and relatively good.

Yes, my life is a bit of a mess…but I am working toward straightening it out. I am taking positive steps toward the future.  I am trying to be optimistically realistic.  The glass isn’t quite half full but it sure ain’t half empty…ya know?

So I also wondered…since I AM feeling quite good and healthy of mind…am I really doing well or am I just living in denial???  I mean… if I am living in denial would I even know it? Would I not feel the same sort of…happy/positive attitude?  So how can I tell the truth of it?  Is me, just asking if I am in denial, proof that I am not???  Or is it just more delusion?

This is hurting my brain!