Not mine…

Last night went out with a bunch of friends and got BOMBED!!!!. Still feeling hung over this morning. But it was such a fun night

One part I don’t get!. Ever since I moved out I have had men… Swarming all over. Young, old… And in between. W t f?.

Last nite… I’m out on the back porch of the bar… Smoking…. Four other men, in their 20s, were out as well. I just listened to them. Three of the KIDS went inside. The fourth started chatting with me. No biggie. Then as we head inside… I turned away from him… He smacked me in the ass and told me,”wow, my girlfriend would love that ass “. I. Was. Am. Stunned.

Seriously?!?!?!

I pivoted right around. Poked him in the nose with my finger… And berated him in his manners!. Like I’m a fukking grandma!.

And in the back of my head …. I’m thinking “Bet your ass she would!”.

I need therapy!

OK, so who doesn’t like a pretty man?  It is always nice to be complimented by someone you feel is more attractive than you are.  I like to look…and if Chris Helmsworth were to arrive in my bed I would NOT kick him out.  If anyone knows Chris and he would be interested…hook a sister up!  But I am actually really attracted, personally, to down to earth men.  I prefer them tall but that isn’t a deal breaker if they aren’t.  What I like is real: Real face, real body, real emotions.

So I am on a couple dating websites.  And there are a LOT of really odd people out there.  But there are some nice people as well.  Got to talking with someone last evening.  He is most definitely what I would call a red-neck.  Truck driver.  And he wears his age on his face and body.  And he is funny!  Divorced at 55 yrs old and he is now 57. Has a large family and most kids are grown (one 19 y/o daughter at home)  We spoke this morning on the phone and he is very nice.  Mature.

Gonna meet him on Friday, after his shift, for a late breakfast and a face-to-face get to know ya.

I’m not interested in forever.  But he seems like a good man who I might be able to spend time with on multiple occasions.  We shall see.

EDIT: met this gentleman for lunch today. He seems very nice. And very funny. We are both interested to see each other again.

Taking with my house-mate J. I told her I’m a bit frightened…i don’t trust my own judgement. I’m concerned I can’t tell the good guys from the bad. But I do want to be open to opportunity. J said… I can only base my judgement on what is presented… And when meeting new people we all tend to put our best foot forward.  If this guy isn’t as he seems… It is on his head… Not mine. Tread carefully and be open to new people. If they treat with honesty it is a win win.  If they don’t… Then the failure is really on their shoulders… That is a hard concept to wrap my brain around… But she is right. So… I’m gonna trust ( and maybe I’m niave) and see where this may take me.

But first!  Down another 2 pounds.  I am currently 314#.  Ok, yes, still fat, but getting more and more fabulous daily! I feel great, physically, and my emotional state feels rather right-with-the-world as well.

So, went to a birthday party this weekend.  The little girl turned 6.  I have known her mom for a long time.  She made a very interesting comment.  She and I have not seen a lot of each other in the past few months.  She is a busy/working mom and … well, we all know what I have been up to.

So she commented that when we originally met she found me to be outgoing, friendly, easy to laugh and a lot of fun to be with.  She liked my personality and she really wanted to be my friend, get to know me better.  She stated, in the past few years, she watched that girl disappear.  She understood about my dad and the toll his illness took on me.  She thought, after he died, I might finally get back to being myself again.  She was sad because she said that even when I was in the room I seemed…cut off, distant and alone.  At her daughter’s party she said she can “See the old Ruth again!”

I don’t think I ever thought of it that way.  But I understand.  I was more spontaneous and joy filled 10 years ago.  And yes, Dad and his illness and death really did take a toll.  What I believe I know is that while I could recover from his death…the depression that I was in couldn’t lift because I was so unhappy at home.  And I didn’t understand this.  How could I?  No one else put the connection together, either, because I didn’t talk about it.  I just bottled it up SO TIGHT! that I couldn’t even access it.

Well..the cork is out of the bottle and there are permanent cracks in it!

Last week was hard and kinda sucked.  I have a better outlook this week

OK.  I believe I have made a lot of progress in the past months.  It has been almost 7 months since this whole thing started.  I reviewed previous posts and wow…I sure notice my attitude about my marriage and things changed.  I THINK that is growth.

Here is the thing.  It seems that folks seem to think I have it “together.”  OK.  I don’t mean to put out that, whole, “I’m OK” vibe.  I don’t mean to put out the, “I’m falling apart” vibe either.

I know I am much better than I was 7 months ago.  I know I have more focus and am more in tune with my head, heart and body.  I am pleased by this.

I also know I still feel like a fukking hot mess on a fukking daily basis!  And I sure don’t feel together!

It doesn’t take much to make me cry.  I am actually allowing myself to cry (which is kinda rather new-ish)  In the past, when I cried, I would try to stifle it and … not hide it … but not really show it either.  I was embarrassed by my tears.  I felt it made me appear weak.  I don’t like to be weak.  But, with all the soul-rending I have done, I realize the tears are not weakness and they need to come or everything gets all bottled up again.  I alternate between fine and not-fine on a hourly basis some days.  And some days I am fine and some days I am not.

I appreciate the info I seem to be “together”.  I know I WANT to be… I just am not sure what that looks like.

I don’t want to sell myself short, either.  I HAVE made progress.  I know I am a good person who is worthy of living my life and finding my own happiness.  I know there MAY be a person, out there, who would like to spend some time with me.  I also know I am not ready for a permanent or committed relationship.  I look in the mirror and see: old, fat, flabby, lumpy.  And I try so HARD to shake off those thoughts.  Because I can also see: beautiful smile and eyes, frankly quite nice tits, and somewhere, inside, a loving person.  I am trying so HARD to be who I want to be.  Honest and open, loving and caring…snarky and bitchy at times…

This post could probably ramble on for hours!

ARRGGGHHH!  today is a bad day.

I need hugs and holding.

I think this is part of my panic/anxiety concerns.  While DH and I were not overly touchy-feely I could always count on a hug or a hand-hold.

Driving into work this morning I had one of my panic/anxiety attacks.  I can’t do a lot with that since I was DRIVING! Can’t get out and walk (I’d be late for work) and I can’t really try to meditate (I’m DRIVING!).  So I took a few very deep breaths, concentrated on the road and tried to divert my attention to DRIVING!

It had calmed down just a bit by the time I got to work.  I was calm enough to not start to cry or…drop into the fetal position and go into a coma…which would have again…made me late for work!  I plowed up the hill (fairly steep) as fast as my legs would let me go in an attempt to exercise out this feeling.  It sorta helped but the minute I got to my office it started to re-surge.  I sat down and talked to my partner, got my morning routine going, and had a bit of a realization.  I needed a hug.  Desperately!

Thank GAWD for AD.  She is a beautiful friend who has listened to me whine and complain and cry and laugh and celebrate all the delightful and horrible things that have happened around me for the past years.  I say happen around me, not to distance myself from the events, but because while some of them happened TO me they were not always ABOUT me, anyway… I digress.

I went to AD and just asked her for a moment of her time.  Around the corner I just asked for a hug.  This beautiful woman gave me a wonderful and encompassing hug.  Then she made me laugh.  And she hugged me again.  This helped so much.  I don’t know if she could feel it but I felt like I was shaking during the hug … like I was falling apart.  That simple act helped put me back together again.  I can make it thru the day.

I hate asking for things.  I feel needy.  I already feel like I encumber my friends with my personal drama by letting them know about what is going on, how I am feeling, every little blasted thing in my life because I lost a filter a few months ago and cannot seem to shut the fuk up!  But I think I need to get over this reticence to ask for hugs.  I think my friends will understand.

I KNOW my friends will understand.

As a small child I was very open, bubbly, honest and assumed everyone who spoke with me wanted to be my friend.  I had (and still do if I am honest) an inherent belief that everyone is good and honest.  While I still do believe this I know it is not true.  Childhood and adolescence did a fantastic job of abusing me of this notion.  I think most kids start out the same and then…they go to school.  They learn to be part of the herd and only the strong survive.  I was not that strong person.  I learned that not everyone is honest.  A friend one day is not always going to be that same friend the next day.  The secret you tell some one one day will be on the kindergarten internet the following day.  So I learned to build a wall.  This wall is thick.  It is climbable but only the strong truly get over it.  You may be a superficial friend but I won’t open up; I won’t give you a piece of my heart or soul.  This being said there are a few people who do own pieces of me.  And I gladly give it to them, they climbed the wall and proved they were trustworthy.  Most of these friends are people I see at least monthly and are in my area. Two of these friends live a long distance.

KB: I met KB the first days of high school.  KB didn’t even fukking see a wall.  She tore through it like it was all smoke and mirrors.  We bonded immediately and have remained dear friends.  We may not see each other for 2-10 years but when we do we pick up right where we left off.

JR: JR is a physician I worked with many years ago.  She is anal, has AMAZING handwriting (maybe not important to you but sure impressed me), a powerhouse of energy, a thirst for the world and it’s knowledge and experiences, a giant heart and a sharp wit and intellect.

These two women were on my mind as I considered letting Facebook know I am getting a divorce. Why let the Facebook community in on this? Well…it is part of accountability for me.  “Keepin it real” in a way.  It is also a band-aid that I can rip off instead of pulling off slowly as people ask questions.

I had some anxiety about telling these two friends.  I wasn’t anxious they would hate me but I was anxious because I’m a bit crazy and I was afraid of expressing this failure to two women I love and admire so.

I had the JOY (un-abashed) of seeing KB this past weekend.  It was fate.  We spoke for a number of hours.  I cried, she cried, we both laughed and rebound our friendship and ourselves.

I phoned JR last evening.  She was already aware something was wrong but she didn’t know for certain what that was.  Again…less on the crying but much talk, laughter and re-binding of friendships and selves.

While I will never pull down my wall, it is more permanent than the Great Wall of China, I am so thankful the women in my life (the near and far) have been able to climb it.  I do not know what I would do without each and every one of them.  They are amazeballs!  I admire each woman in my life for what and who they are and I wouldn’t wish them to change for anything.

I sit on the back porch, already in a maudlin state, listening to my housemates play and laugh. I feel so alone. I am not excluded by my friends. They are watching some funny U Tube videos and laughing and commenting. I would be welcome to join them but I cannot bring myself to do it. I feel raw and afraid. I’m afraid that the joy I hear will never be in me again. In won’t be able to share that joy with someone in the future.

I am afraid. I fear my insecurities will not allow me to be open to that joy. I find that the introspection I have done, soul searching and purging, has been equally good and bad. I have learned to understand what has been wrong in my life and why. I understand why I reacted in the ways I did. I understand when I was wrong and what I did. But at the same time that understanding is not giving me peace tonight.

Tonight I am filled with fear and doubt about my future and myself. I’m afraid I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. I’m afraid I’ll pass up opportunity for true partnership due to my insecurities…my distrust. I’m afraid I may settle for something or someone out of the fear of being alone and the disbelief I am a worthy person.

I don’t feel this way all the time. I am often proud of myself for being strong enough to leave DH. I am often proud of myself for moving forward and growing as a human being. I am often proud of myself for opening the door to the possibility of some kind of future happiness. But tonight I am afraid.

In part this is brought on by the fact I know I will see DH tomorrow after work. We meet every Tuesday evening and hash out stuff. Last Tues night was particularly painful for us both and shades of that evening are haunting me tonight.

That horrid knot of a scream, in my stomach, is back. If it were daytime I would go out for a walk because that does help me. But it is almost 10 pm and a walk right now would be a tad irresponsible. So deep breaths. Maybe a few tears. I’ll make it thru the night. I’ll get up and go to work. I will be ok.

At times like this I miss the lies I told myself.

I was held yesterday

Ya… What?. Right?

I have met a gentleman. He is a smart, funny, busy, compassionate, articulate and really cute gentleman.

Ya I met him originally on line. Thru a hook up site. It took him a while to get me to agree to meet… Quite a bit of convincing from him because A) I’m a bit gun shy and B) he is 9 years my junior. I didn’t get it… And to be frank I still don’t.

Any way…we met for drinks a couple times. He engaged my brain. He is also going thru a divorce. He has a 14 year old son. He has aging as demanding parents with little support from his siblings. He sure is not perfect… But did I mention fukking cute?

We got together yesterday… Literally…

It was lovely and fun and he made me feel wonderful. Then he held me. Not for a fee moments…i half expected him to have one foot in the floor ready to bolt!. Nope. We spent about 6 hours in bed. Holding onto each other… I have not been held like that in years.

Yes, the sex was GOOD!. The holding was almost better. I’m not usually one to just lie about and cuddle up. I think it is something we both needed. He doesn’t want to introduce me to his kid out involve me in his life drama. I don’t want to involve him in my drama. We are both just looking for a bit of escape. Time to relax, away from reality.

I’m enuff of a realist to believe this is a temporary fling. And I’m ok with it. We aren’t constantly texting or calling. But for now, I’ll take it. It is what I need and want.

Thank you universe and thank ME for having the nerve to say yes.

Over the New Year’s weekend, at the counselor’s office, I did tell DH I didn’t want to continue our marriage.

He was flummoxed.  He said he knew we couldn’t go back but he thought we could go forward.  He also said “I could probably get over the weight thing but the smoking…”

OK…WHAT!?!?  Get over the weight thing…well if I am so dam big how the hell can he get over anything?  We both went thru weight loss surgery.  He has had a much more successful post-surgery go-around than I did.  This is because he really did stick to the program and has been very focused on going to the gym and I lost quite a lot of oomph.  I lost all focus when my dad became ill and I was at mom/dad’s beck and call for about 6-7 years. I did forget how to take care of myself and focus.  Yes I did.  I gained back some weight.  Not nearly what I had originally lost though.  For some reason DH seems to be under the impression I regained all the weight I had lost!  No…

So we spoke again yesterday, our typical meeting day.  He did ask me what I wanted to do and I re-stated: I want a divorce.  He was devastated. When I brought up to him that I need to be with someone who really wants all of me he re-iterated that he does if I can just change.  We did move a BIT forward. He said that he feels that when I “gave up” and regained all that weight he was disappointed and he just … pushed that feeling down.  Over time he felt more and more disillusioned and felt I had given up.  OK.  I do get it.  And I empathize.  DH indicated he didn’t remember saying that he might be able to “get over” the weight thing. OOOOOkayyyyy…I didn’t make this up.  I didn’t imagine it.  I was stunned and hurt by that.

We went a bit around and around.  I tried to explain that I didn’t realize how unhappy and depressed I was for the past couple of years.  I didn’t know that how I felt was related to my marriage.  As far as I can tell, after significant reflection, I basically lied to myself and pushed down those feelings… I put them on ignore.  And they bubbled up in depressions, exhaustion, lack of interest in anything sort of ways.  Since moving out I feel stronger (within) and more confident.  I didn’t know how strong I could be.  This doesn’t mean I don’t cry.  This means I embrace the tears and I move forward.  There is always tomorrow (go…Scarlet!)  DH has stayed in the same loop just wishing I would change…”for yourself” he indicates.  I am changing but not in the way he wants.

DH says he misses me “Even if you were just asleep in the other room when I got home”.  OK, so he misses Coma Ruth but doesn’t really want her!  lovely!  DH misses having someone there.  We are friends and I hope we can remain friends.  Not sure it will happen but I am hopeful.

As to my moving forward?  In the past 2.5-3 months (approx) I have lost 21 pounds.  I am currently at 319 pounds.  Which was quite a surprise to me.  A friend of mine commented I looked thinner and I was like…umm..no…  She kept at me and I finally got on the scale.  And…ummm…yup!  I attribute the weight loss to a number of things: loss of appetite, eating small/considered meals, following through on my coaching from a dear friend, the support of my friends, increased activity level.   I am more positive about my outlook than I have been in years.  I feel there is promise for a tomorrow for me.  I am also dating again.  I am NOT looking for Mr Right or Prince Charming.  I’m looking for Mr Right-Now and if Prince Charming shows up I’ll knock him off the stupid horse!  I can save myself.  I can be my own Goddess.

As I left the house last eve I nabbed a few belongings and put them in a large grocery bag.  DH offered to carry it and I declined.  He repeated his offer and I declined.  “You know I am happy to help you with this” he said…”Yes, I know, but I don’t need you to” was my reply.

That is a true story.  Sounds rather trite and contrived…can’t deny trite but it wasn’t contrived.  True interaction.  Rather poignant I’m thinking.

Wow. There are a whole lot of interesting folks online; looking for love, companionship, sex, conversation, and so many other verbs, nouns and adjectives.

I am working on a profile. It’s not quite there yet. But I almost have it.

52 year old Caucasian female looking for someone. I’m big and beautiful and I know it. And sometimes I don’t know it. I need you to know it. Must be good communicator but also able to read my mind. Enjoy intellectual conversation and stimulate my mind while being willing to speak in pig Latin for an entire day just to laugh. Must appreciate the beauty of my body with words and deeds and allow me to be unappreciative of myself at times: you should be able to prove me wrong. Must be able to laugh at farts because I fart a lot and often find it very funny. You can fart too but If You Stick My Head Under The Covers … You Die!. Just want the best for me and allow me to be my worst. Must go to movies you may not go to normally and not poke too much fun when I cry at EVERYTHING. Must carry kleenex to all movies. Must drag me to movies I will swear I will hate and give me shit when I dont. Please tell me I’m beautiful and mean it. Call me on my bull shit but not until I’m done ranting.

What I don’t want?. I am not your mother or father. I don’t want a kid. I don’t want you to see my photo and assume I am just the “perfect big bitch to teach me lessons when I’m bad”. I am NOT THAT bitch. But I can be a bitch so watch out!

I will cry. I will laugh. I will likely make you cry and laugh. I will want to be everything to you and then may resent it if I am. I am fat and fun and hella sexi when I am comfortable with you. I swear a blue streak on a daily fukking basis. I can get you hot as hell and leave you frustrated when I tease. I can totally follow thru and make you feel like a god or goddess in the bedroom ( kitchen, car … Movie theater and maybe the mall). And afterwards I’ll blush like a 15 year old virgin when you return the favor…and I’ll beg for it again.

I want to walk with you, hand in hand. I want to enjoy your company and be free to see my friends without jealously or envy. I want you to like, or at least tolerate, my friends….even the ones who don’t like you.

I want tenderness in the bedroom. I want … Less than tenderness in the bedroom. I want to be in charge. I want you to be in charge. I want to wear your mark…but discreetly.

I want you to be so honest about how you feel and what you think that it is almost painful. And then I want to take that pain and heal it with my heart. I want you to do the same.

I’ll wear make-up and dress up and also be a bum and I live in my yoga pants. I won’t be comfortable in lingerie but I’ll wear it if you feel it is beautiful on me. Ill walk around naked in the mornings and I pee with the door open. But if I do close the door don’t try to talk to me…I AM BUSY!

All the things I want I also want to give. I don’t need to be the center of your world but I would like us to be the center of ours. I’ll fail. But I will get up and try again. Just may take me a minute.

Well…what do ya think?. Too much????. Probably so. But i’ll ask anyway.