This past weekend I was over with the DH (or, as I have been recently  referring to him as…the EE: Eventual-Ex)  We were packing up and separating stuff.  We happened to start with pictures and emotional-historical type stuff and I cried a number of times.  I didn’t cry because of EE.  I cried b/c, for instance, I found a hand-written letter from my grandmother, with her signature, with her picture; I suddenly missed her so acutely it was painful.  Pictures of my family that have since passed away.  Pictures from my grade-school companions.  Things I had not looked at in years.  These things made me cry.  Poor EE didn’t quite know what to do for me.  He DID try to comfort me and (for once) I didn’t shove him away.  But he didn’t cause the tears and he didn’t quite know what to do to deal with them.  It was perfectly OK for me…but he isn’t used to seeing me cry and subsequently push him away…denying him the ability to comfort…denying him the opportunity to comfort.  It was a new experience for both of us.  Upon reflection I do ABSOLUTELY realize I have denied him the opportunity to comfort me, in my times of stress, anxiety, fear and sadness, because I have been afraid of being vulnerable to him…to anyone really.

So last evening I saw EE again.  We discussed the house (he plans to keep it) and the other house (flipper coming out on Saturday to discuss selling it) as well as finally moving forward w/the actual divorce piece of paper.  During our conversation I showed him my new piercing (nose).  I have a small stud on the right nostril.  I have ALWAYS wanted to do this and I didn’t b/c I knew EE hated the thought of it.

When I showed him the piercing he started to cry.  (OK…here comes the BITCH part) and all I could think was…”Oh what new hell is this?”  Out of my mouth tho comes, “What’s wrong?” (old habits and all).  He told me “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know that I had made you change so much, I really didn’t know I was holding you back!”

So I try, very hard, not to hit him on the head with a pan (and again…I’m a BITCH!) but i take a deep breath and remind him that we are BOTH at fault.  I am sure I held him back as well.  I know he couldn’t have held me back without my permission/consent.  We are both at fault.  I apologized again to him.  I reminded him the only way to move forward is to learn to forgive ourselves.  I have already forgiven EE.  I don’t hate him.  I still get occasionally angry…but it does’t rule my life.  I also still become occasionally regretful…but it doesn’t rule my life.  I rule my life.

Then he said “I know, it’s just that you are returning to the woman I fell in love with, and I’m happy for you but … so sad for me and us.”

Incoming BITCH: SHUDDA-FUK-Up!  This is the stuff that is so hard to hear!  It is so mind-fukking and I hate it!  I am happy with me.  I don’t want EE anymore.  I will never go back.  But to hear him say stuff like that it makes me question everything all over again!  HATE THAT!  BUT…then I wonder…isn’t this questioning a good thing?  After all … it either solidifies my decision or makes me question enough to understand my decision was possibly in error.  At this time…truly…solidifies.

I get so sick and tired of being in my own brain sometimes!

I think the title says it all!

I run around work…like…happy go lucky.  And I DO feel good.  I’m happy to help my patients and follow up for my physicians.  Talk to my co-workers and be a generally pleasant person.

And then…I get home…

I want to kinda just murder the universe!

Yea, I know, depression … GAH!  But it’s odd to me.  I don’t feel down…per se… I feel … … A bit down, a bit angry… And I really cannot say if I am angrier at myself or at the world.  This is a very odd sensation and it causes some anxiety for me.  I don’t like it.

Then there is the whole…men thing… I really enjoy being alone! And I want to continue to enjoy being alone! But when I actually have the opportunity to snuggle up and spend the night w/FWB…I LOVE that too!

Saw DH this weekend.  Spent about 3 hours cleaning up some stuff.  We happened to go thru old photos and albums.  About lost my shit when I saw my grandmother’s handwriting in a letter to my family.  Thought DH was gonna fall off the tracks…LOL…he didn’t quite know what to do with me.   I felt bad for him because he looked like he was afraid I was going to break.  And then I was thinking…you lived with me for 23 years! Don’t you know how to hold me by now?  I’m not gonna break!

And then there is a box of stuff for my mom.  I am SO TORN! Do I bring it to her?  Or do I just toss it?  I know it would mean a lot to her and at the same time I don’t want to do anything at all for her!  AAAARRRRGGGGHHH!!!!!!

 

Revisiting guilt: as I’ve said before I am very guilt driven. It’s taken a while for me to understand this and to try to prevent this drive from overtaking my life.

As children we are, or I was, taught to be guilt driven. I would do something bad; be punished for it and then rewarded for doing something good or apologizing.

As an adult I believe that eating was a way for me to satisfy that guilt drive.

I would eat something I knew I shouldn’t, feel badly either physically or mentally, and then when the positive reinforcement never came (because I’m an adult) I would repeat the process still expecting to feel better at some point… Even though it wasn’t going to come, that feeling of doing right.

I am finding that I still want to repeat this process. less with food more with general behavior. Or even behavior that may be outside of what I consider acceptable.

Like sleeping with a 33-year-old man. Totally consensual. Moderately fun. and when done, I would say, not repeatable. Cause… Like… Sometimes experience counts!

But I beat myself up about that. Not because I slept with someone strange; because I slept with someone who is almost 20 years younger than I am. That felt “wrong”. oh not wrong enough for me not to do it! And it made me break one of my rules: do not date/sleep/see anyone under 40.

Interestingly, a good friend said maybe I need to stop making rules for myself. I had to give that a serious think. She was right. Now… The basic rules of… No killing, maiming, physically or emotionally hurting another are still in place. No stealing. Don’t lie (to myself or others). I think these moral rules are important and I would not choose to break them. But the self imposed rules that I set up… When broken… Put me into that guilt spiral. Those are the rules I need to examine and possibly toss out.

I don’t always know what they are… Ahead of time… But sometimes I do.

This is a whole new world I’m trying to navigate. Without harmful or ridiculous boundaries… But with boundaries that make sense… And are moral rather than emotional.

I had an “ah HA!” moment yesterday.  I am amazingly guilt driven.  I will or won’t do something, based upon how it may effect someone, their opinion of me as well as make me feel bad (or…guilty) for not doing or doing that something…Yes..that is an awkward sentence…apologies!

I am guilt driven with food.  I think tend to punish myself for eating the wrong thing, or wrong amount, and then… in the past… I have punished myself again by repeating the process and making myself feel bad.

Lately I have turned that around.  I realize that now.  I have been punishing myself for being overweight and making bad food decisions by NOT eating.  And the bad food decisions I have made in the past are now being punished by a lack of intake?  I did ask my work-wife about this.  She said…she thinks that I am not necessarily punishing myself now… but that on the weekends I don’t actively see someone eat, it doesn’t trigger me to say “Hey… it is Lunch Time!” and I go eat my lunch.  So it seems to her that punishment isn’t what’s happening but the fact that I am very focused on not making food the center of my world.  And then … since I don’t think of it often I forget that I really DO need to eat something.

I did get some GS Cookies.  My favs, Thin Mints and Tag-A-Longs.  I opened one box of the Tags and ate all but 3 from a sleeve, in the course of about, an hour.  The other three I ate the next night.  The other sleeve is sitting there and not calling to me so it’s all good.  The rest of the boxes of cookies (4 Thin Mints and 3 Tag-A-Longs) have all come to work with me and are donated to our break room with “FREE ENJOY” written on them.   I don’t really want them in the house.

So… I THINK I agree w/my work-wife…but I also think I need to monitor this and make sure this isn’t some sort of delayed punishment thing… That isn’t healthy either.

Why is it, whenever someone says anything at all that sounds like a serious conversation is about to begin, I start with, “What did I do?”.

I hear myself say this all the time. My housemates, friends, eventual-ex, coco-workers and even strangers. I hate it. And I cannot stop doing it.

I don’t actually believe I do anything “wrong” but I naturally assume they think I did… And wish to correct my behavior.

When I hear it come out of my mouth I cringe… Visibly. It is an automatic reply!.

I’m not sure how to stop it has become such a habit.

But… I’m gonna work on it!.

I look forward to this weekend.  New experiences.  New people.  End of story.

I have a new friend.  This is not a new person in my life.  She is someone who I have worked with for many years.

But through all of the crazy that I have experienced in the past months.  All of the changes.  All of the TMI I bring into my office.  She has emerged as an unexpected friend.

I am a very lucky woman.  I have more good/true friends than I can ever name or count on both hands.  I certainly was not looking for another.  And, had you asked, I doubt I would say I was open to a new deep friendship.  Also, considering the person, I would have thought she would never be able to understand or accept certain things in my life.  She and I are VERY different.  She is fairly conservative and I am fairly liberal.  In most aspects of our lives that comparison really is very valid.  I have never disliked her but she was not someone who I would have pegged as an…open mind.  Oh…how wrong can a person be?

She is an open mind.  We have spoken about our family’s crazy.  Compared notes and found out…they are quite comparable.  We have spoken of some very dark and hard things…just to be able to say them out loud to someone.  Knowing these things are never to be said in polite company or even in any other place than our heads.  You know those thoughts…the ones that make you certain there IS a basket for you, going straight to hell, just because the awful or twisted thoughts pop into your brain?  And you don’t know where they came from. And sometimes you do!  I have opened up (a lot) about what is going on w/me personally and in my experiences since moving out.  She has enthusiastically listened, simply enjoyed the conversation, sometimes surprised me with advice or comment about her life/experiences.

I only know I appreciate her for what she has come to mean to me and my mental health.  This does not diminish anything that anyone else has done.  Everyone who cares has helped in some way and the general acceptance I have found is amaze-balls.  I just wanted to express this b/c it was found in such an surprising place.  I didn’t expect it.  And I am so happy to have found it

I need to stop looking at my body and pieces and parts.  When I look in the mirror I see things I don’t like.  I see things that distress me or upset me.  If I look a little longer I can see things that look ok…or (in the case of a couple items) I think look rather amaze-balls.  But those are not the first things I see.

I am not my parts…I am not my pieces.  I am…a whole person with good and bad.  Emotions, parts, pieces, moods, feelings and fears or thrills.

I must start to see myself as a whole person.  Yes, there are parts that I may not like if I examine them too closely; I speak of the physical as well as emotional.  But I am not a person in pieces.  I am a person.  The whole me is not bad.  The whole me is not ugly.  The whole me is…just me!

If I can get comfortable with the whole me… without reservation or shame… Then I will be one step further into being the person I truly wish to be.

Today is not going to be a good day. I feel it in my bones and it’s irritating.

I was OK-ish yesterday. But by the end of the day I had reached my limit and patience and understanding and if I heard one more person wish me a happy Valentine’s Day I was going to pop them in the nose.

Very frustrated with myself. I don’t want to feel despondent but I do.

And so I am up early and trying to be productive to work past this stupid feeling. Wish me luck

Shape-wear: OK…I call this false advertising!  Yes the tummy tucking and thigh thinning/smoothing things CAN make you look better in a dress or in slacks.  BUT…you STILL have to get nekkid!  And if you wear shape-wear on a first or .. the first few… dates…and you have yet to get nekkid…  Don’t you think you might be setting someone up for a bit of a surprise?  I certainly have body issues.  There are parts of myself I don’t like.  While I don’t let them hang out for everyone to see…because I don’t want to be arrested…I just don’t try to hide my lumps and bumps.  They are there … and someone gots to deal with them eventually.   I mean…if you use a bun lifting and smoothing type pantie…and then…you take OFF the pantie…and your ASS falls on the floor and appears to have divots all over…well now.  I just think that is not fair to the potential partner

Make-up: OK, so I am so guilty of utilizing makeup.  It makes me feel pretty. My lips look larger and more inviting.  My smile more wide.  My dark circles … poof…gone! But I don’t remake my face or look.  I do try to keep it honest.  Women who overdo…and look 100% different after putting on makeup….whY????  don’t you know you are already lovely???

Profile Pictures: I will sound like a snob.  But really folks…don’t you want to put your best face forward?  Smile pleasantly.  Try NOT to look threatening!  Take off the mirrored sun glasses!  You don’t look cool… Like…wash your hair, and brush it!  Consider your audience…are you a ruffian-like-dude?  And now…you are sending a “Hi!…nice pic” to some suburban-like gal?  CLEAN UP!  Make yourself presentable.

On-Line-Dating Hellos/intros:  WTF guys! Why!  Why! WHY! are you starting a conversation with: “here is a picture of my penis!”  I don’t fukking care! I know what a penis looks like.  Seriously! Most of us do!  My other favorite intro is, “How’s your clit?”  Because…I’m gonna tell you … how my clit is doing … today.  First one I’ll notify!  Guys…feel free to lead with, “Hi lovely lady.”  “Hey beautiful”  “I like your photo, you have a great smile”  While those intros seem canned…and they are….they are MUCH more likely to garner a response!  Ask us what we like.  Tell us what you like (and I am NOT talking SEX ppl!)

OK: thank’s for listening!