I am so headed for a heart break … and I handed him the keys to it…

And no. I won’t regret a moment

So, this is probably just silly…maybe I’m bragging. Not sure and I don’t care!

The last time (early-mid 2018) I put on my favorite jeans…I had to lay on the bed, get pliers to nab the zipper-thingy (because it hurt my fingers!) and pray as I zipped up the jeans.  Then all day long I had to pull them up, intermittently, as they were too tight and they wanted to slip down with every step, move, anything.

This past weekend I was playing a Wii dance thing at a 14 y/o birthday party.  The jeans I was wearing also kept slipping off. But they did this because they are (minimum) 2 sizes too large.  And I thought, hmmm…I need a belt!

So a couple days go by and I remember I may actually have some smaller jeans/pants at DH’s house.  Went over last night and picked up those items.

This morning, as a test run, I tried on the jeans.  My FAVORITE jeans.  couple of small holes, bell bottoms, ride my hips… FAVORITE!!

I didn’t need to lay on the bed.  I simply slid them on and zipped them up.  There is about an inch extra space on the waist even!  So yes, need a belt, but I will wear these till they die or I can replace in a smaller size!  I am SO happy about this!  While I know I am 53 pounds less than I was in August 2018… this is some happy concrete proof.

YAY!!!!!

Have to talk with DH about how to serve him the divorce papers today.  I can hire someone or I can get a friend to do it.  One costs money and the other is a pain in the ass for the friend.  They have to get their signature notarized!  It’s crap.

Still having existential crisis about 15.  I need to move on from crisis mode.  I need to learn to accept what is and maybe…just fukkng maybe…enjoy myself!?!?!

I am down 53 pounds as of this past Monday.  I currently weigh 287#.  I was originally hoping to be down to 290 by mid-May; in time for my Myrtle Beach vacation.  Well now I am actually hoping to be 275 by that time.  If I am not…it will be OK.  It is just a hope.

I will admit I am a bit concerned.  I am infrequently actually hungry.  I miss meals like mad.  When I take the time to count calories I am, usually, getting under 800 cals in per day.  But I am putting out more than that.  I exercise, I do (minimum) 10 flights of stairs/day.  Currently doing a squats challenge and up to 50/day of those.  I drink a lot of water so I am definitely hydrated.  But I worry about my appetite.

I really do want to hit 250 and STOP losing weight.  I want to be able to sit there and evaluate how i feel and how that makes me feel.  Before I make any decision to move onto lower weight.  I’m concerned about that.  We shall see, it’s not like I have to worry about it tomorrow…but I will have to address it.

Motorcycle basics class is this weekend!! Very excited!

Lets start with the divorce filing:  Yup…it was kinda horrible.  I felt like I was just gonna fall over the entire time.  I got through it though.  I did throw up in the bathroom and then, subsequently, cry my eyes out on a stairwell.  I then gave myself a firm kick in the ass and got myself in gear.  Went to workout and went on with my weekend.

Now I need to find a friend to serve Steve.  I’ll be talking w/him about this tomorrow.

The rest of the weekend was nice.  Then I’ll admit it got a bit nicer.

Plucked up some courage to call a gentleman, and normally…I do NOT call.  And I’ll admit it here as to why.  Fear of rejection… Not understanding the attraction on HIS part and therefor assuming…alot of really horrible things in my brain….as to WHY on earth someone is actually taking an interest in me.  The problem is this particular gentleman is (on a scale of 1-10) about 15.  Like…seriously.  And that is what kind of throws me for a loop.  I don’t know what do with a 15.  So…there ya go.  And then me and 15:now and forever to be known as 15 (because you know I don’t use actual monikers here) had a very lovely time for some additional hours of the weekend.  And even, after all that, and the thing I must admit I find terribly attractive is the man LIKES to chat and talk and isn’t afraid to ask or receive difficult questions/information.  I swear my brain hates me.  By the time I made my way home, hours later…I’d almost talked myself out of the whole thing … not that it didn’t happen … but why.  I really DISLIKE my insecurities!  And I really DISLIKE that I can overthink just about ANYTHING in my life!!!

Anyway…here I am, post coital-existential crisis … and putting it out here because I really cannot say it to anyone else … because ya know … you get platitudes.  “You are a good woman, don’t think of yourself in these terms… blah blah blah.”  I already know these words.  And I can almost believe them at times.  But the very loud and horribly obnoxious devil on my shoulder doesn’t like me to ignore him.  And it is a CONSTANT battle.  I’ll keep it up.  But the worse, that want to come out of my mouth, really are…”I’m not worth it.”  They don’t   I don’t put them in the air.  But it is actually how I feel

Tomorrow I am going down to the courthouse to file for divorce.

I am glad and I am sad at the same time.  I am glad because then this waiting and wondering will have an eventual end date.

I am sad because, well, it was 23 years we were together.  We are friends.  When I see him now I am comfortable (usually) around him and I realize I do miss that ease of conversation and companionship.  We are friends.  We probably should have always just stayed friends.

I suspect I’ll be a fat-puddled-mess in the middle of the courthouse tomorrow.  Even for a few moments.  I wish they had open bar.

I’ll go to the gym after that.  Then lunch with a friend.  Try to get laundry done.  Party all night with other friends.  Keep busy.  Try to forget, for a moment, today is the day I have actively moved to end my marriage.  Try not to cry.

But it is OK.  It is a choice I have made so I can live the most full life possible.  So we can stop hurting each other.

It doesn’t mean I don’t want to cry.

So I am gonna learn to ride this summer.  I have a motorcycle safety class in 2 weekends.  I have been looking forward to this for the past 20 years (ok, a bit of an exaggeration but… still).

Saw DH last night.  He told me HE is taking a motorcycle safety class.  So he can ride with our nephew.  OK.  Ummmmm.

First he tells me he isn’t “copying” me.  I swear, my first response was (yes out loud) “I’m not 12!”  Told him it’s none of my business but I felt a bit baffled.  I spent years trying to get him to let me take classes (yes, I said LET) and was denied.  “it’s too dangerous, I worry about the other drivers, you are too clumsy”

He was a bit sheepish and said he really didn’t feel HE could take classes if he wasn’t letting me take them.  Again.  LET.

I just smiled and wished him well at that point.  I mean, tis true, I wish him well.  But I’ll admit I’m still shaking my head.

Ok.  So this upcoming weekend I have a birthday party for a young man (14y)

I took a risk.  I asked my UK-Monday-night (UK for short) to go with me.  Now UK and I have been seeing each other for about 6-7 weeks.  It started out VERY just…sex.  And we both clearly stated this was all we want.  But we really enjoy each other’s company.  I typically see him Monday nights and stay with him till work on Tuesday.

So a couple weeks ago, in post-coital laughter and play, he just sort of nabbed my shoulders and said “I love you”.  I believe he saw the absolute panic in my face and he gave me a hug and said just said he really likes being with me and he loves my attitude.  I get it.

Who would have thought that anyone saying “I love you” would make me want to run for the hills?  and i did want to run.  I didn’t run though and I am happy about that.  He is a good man.  He is a gentleman in many ways.  And…kinda not so much in the bedroom… which is perfect.  He is well aware of my history and… current activities… and he likes spending time with me anyway.

So now UK stated “I would like to meet your friends.”  AFTER I sent him a babbling text about coming with me to the party, or not, depending on how he felt…and I swear it was a schitzo text!

So NOW I have all week to stress about this.  He isn’t DH.  Will my friends like him?  Do I care?  I mean, should I care?  I don’t think so but then how many times have I met someone’s “other” and didn’t like them and then never said anything and watched them get hurt.  And, oh yes, worried about the hurt thing.  I really did NOT anticipate meeting someone I would WANT to see outside of the bedroom…for like… maybe NEVER.

OK  Get on with the day.  Breathe…it’s only Tuesday!  gah!

 

OK.  I am kinda wigging out

I had a mammogram and biopsy about 1.5 years ago.  They believed it to be a complex cyst (a cyst w/stuff in it) and set me up for 6 month f/u.  Well…I didn’t f/u.  When asked I answered truthfully.  I was depressed and didn’t f/u on a LOT of stuff in that year.

So…I went yesterday.  Suddenly, post mammogram, I am whisked into the ultrasound room and told the Radiologist wants to talk to me.  Ultrasound done.  Enter Radiologist:  The cyst has changed a bit and is growing faster than they anticipated it to do.  So here I am…quite fukking freaking out.  I have a core biopsy on MONDAY

So, here is the thing: if you were to ask me, how do you identify as female… I would say “i have amazing boobs, love to dress pretty and wear makeup”   I don’t think of the uterus or hormones.  If you ask my best physical feature: it’s eyes and boobs.  And Boobs are a HUGE part of my identity now and always have been.  One of my friends use to simply describe me as “the girl with the big hair and big boobs”

So here I am  52y/o.  Doing GREAT!  Down 46 pounds.  Feeling amazing.  Moving forward with my life.  But in the back of my head I have KNOWN/felt certain a show was gonna drop somewhere.  And, oh yes, as payback for being such a horrible person.  Leaving my husband.  Sleeping w/whoever I want and enjoying myself.  Because, don’t you know, that’s how life works.  Things go well and then something kicks you in the teeth because you shouldn’t be having this much fun.  Or this much fun is a-moral.  Or.. WHATTHAFUKEVER!

I really KNOW that I am probably fine!  The front of my head is reminding me that I am SO OVERREACTING!  The back of my head, though, is KICKING MY TEETH IN!

I had a hard, VERY HARD, time getting nekkid in front of anyone after my separation.  I am JUST getting comfortable with compliments and … well leave it there!  WTF if this IS a problem. This is where my brain is going.  I don’t know what to do! I don’t think I would ever get nekkid again.  SERIOUSLY!  My ass sucks (fat, flabby and bumpy)   And if I need a lumpectomy well, that’s one thing, but then…possible RT or chemo….

I know…WAY WAY ahead of myself but I can’t get this out to anyone.  I have told 2 ppl.  and both ppl, in an attempt to make me feel better, told me about their friends who had lumps/cysts/mastectomies.  OK…mother fukker ppl.  I don’t not care. I JUST NEED TO GET THE STUPID shit out…the stupid, aforementioned shit…that is the overreacting and panic inducing shit.  The shit that I can put here… and the computer cannot roll it’s eyes at me and say… Ruth, you know that’s unlikely…. you will be OK.  Hang in there, you are strong.  Well, right now…I don’t feel strong.  And I want to go back to bed and I NEED to be held.  HELD tightly.  And…that’s not gonna happen.

OK. Thank you WordPress.com for your platform

I am gonna get back to work and work on no more WIGGIN out!

I WILL BE OK!  I know it….right?

Very happy this morning.  Finally broke my 300# barrier.

I have been stuck, for three weeks, at a total 38 pounds weight lost.  I don’t feel I have done anything different and I am well aware that we all hit plateaus when losing weight.  But by last Monday I was feeling a tad bit discouraged.

I didn’t give up though. I didn’t say FUK IT!  I kept on doing what I know I need to do.  I kept up the exercise.  I ate right.  Still play hard.

DOWN 43# TOTAL THIS MORNING!  I am UNDER 300 pounds for the first time in AGES. and YES I’m YELLING!  LOL…celebrating is more like it!

So dam happy! I want to rent the GoodYear Blimp and have it fly over AA and scroll: Ruth Scheller is under 300 POUNDS!!!

OK, maybe that is overkill…

WOOOOO HOOOOOO

Spoke with EE last night.

He asked me for advice about on line dating!

Now some people may find this odd. And maybe it is. But ,then, oddly I was flattered and happy.

I want him to be happy and find someone to spend time with. Someone he can grow with. If I can help then all the better.

I don’t want him to be alone and sad.

Only thing that felt odd was his assumption about my experience with dating. He asked because he felt we were both looking for the same thing. We are not. I didn’t feel the need to disabuse him of his assumptions. He wants romance and companionship. I want company and head banging sex.

I hope he finds what he is looking for. I wish him joy.