And it is Thursday.  Most Thursdays equate to my Friday.  Today is no exception.  Unfortunately my work-wife called in today so it will be a bit busy.  To be honest, it is probably best, had a very late night/early morning and keeping busy seems like a good way to make sure I don’t fall asleep on the job!

15:  That’s all I got to say about that…  Not all I can say… but all I will say.

Going to file the summons with the court tomorrow and await word on a court date for the divorce.  I am glad to get this over and finalized.  As amicable as this is for DH and I, it is still very stressful.

Looking forward to a fun weekend.  Hope the weather isn’t horrid.  I am hoping to get some motorcycle practice in on Saturday.  I have been fortunate and many ppl have offered to help me with the practice.  I have good friends.  They have all been encouraging.

OK…onto work.  Tally-ho!

The spring flowers are coming out…I want to warn them…It is only April…beware!

Anyway, I pass a set of tulips every morning and I notice some are in full glorious bloom and others…barely peeking out of their…shell (?).  Got to wondering.  When I look at the various stages of bloom on those flowers … I wonder … Where am I?

Am I the flower that is bloomed and within a few more days will lose the petals?  Am I sort of .. just getting my start?  Barely peeking my nose out?  Am I almost ready to bloom or… You get the picture.

It is just a stray thought that stayed with me as I climbed the stairs and got into my office.  So while I am following the flower thought… What kind of a flower am I anyway? Spring bulb?  They pop up and are glorious but are gone so fast.  Sunflower? to turn and follow the sun.  Vine flower like Morning Glory? Climbing up and reaching out to other ledges

Odd thoughts this morning.

Today is my favorite day of the week.  Wednesdays I get the office to myself.  It IS busier b/c my partner is off work and I cover her but the office is all mine.  Then after work I go home and change and head down to Toledo to meet some friends for the evening.  Thursdays kinda stink because I don’t get home till WAY late/early.  But it is worth it.

Doing squats challenge and just started pushups.   Up to 120 squats yesterday and 20 pushups.  Today I am staying w/the 120 squats.  I also did a TON of stairs and my thighs feel like jello.

As of Monday I am down 57 pounds.  And that makes me VERY happy…until I get undressed!  GAH.  My thighs look like…well.  Lets just say UGH.  I know that under there is a lot of muscle and I climbed 5 flights of stairs yesteray without pausing or needing to stop to take a deep breath.  That is GOOD.  Am VERY proud of myself.  But I do strongly dislike all the extra/flabby and frankly ugly skin on my thighs, under my chin and arms.  Just putting it out there.  Weight loss is GOOD but there are also things to consider when you lose the weight.  And the body image you wish to attain…that is the ideal in your head…may not be attainable.  Doesn’t mean I’m changing my plan or anything.  I’ll survive with this and frankly I’ll thrive in many ways.  But it sure does make me less willing to get nekkid!

Alrighty then….

New computer desk: it is a standing/sitting desk.  So I can stand at times during my 10 hour day. This is actually a good thing.  Was just frustrating coming in to find all my stuff cattywompus on my desk this morning.  Now I can stand for 10-20 min every 1-2 hours and improve my circulation.

New Phone System: I struggled about how to look at this positively.  I won’t name the things wrong with it.  I will, instead say, well…it does appear very 21st century and forward thinking.  I feel like I may be in an episode of Star Trek.

Motorcycle Class: I know that exiting that class was the right thing. My head wasn’t in the game.  I will be taking the summer to get better/practice and then I’ll retake it.  I am sure to be in a better head-space at that point as well.

DH signing Divorce Summons: had to happen sooner than later.  Don’t want things to drag on. So yes…it is, all in all, a good thing.

Easter: This was harder.  And I can only say I am happy I got some sleep.

 

And there we go.

DH dropped by work.  Signed his portion of the court summons.  Witnessed by my friend.  Notarized by my boss.

I’ll file on Friday morning.  After my therapy appt.

And there we go.

Yup.

I’m fine.

So I certainly suffered a bit of an ego setback this weekend.  I have to say, when reviewing the stuff from Sunday (and by stuff I mean the stuff in my head) I am not surprised.

OK: so I opted out of the 2nd day of motorcycle class.  I actually think this was a good thing.  I had a lot more going on in my head than that class.  I didn’t know it would be… it just happened. (see below)  Also…I really did feel completely under-prepared to do the tight turns.  I will be contacting my good friends and getting practice in before moving onto redoing the class.  I need to redo it.  I am not an idiot and I can do this.  OK, sometimes I am just dumb…but the smart thing was to withdraw at that point.

Sunday was Easter.  I knew this.  It wasn’t a surprise.  It still took me by surprise.  Maybe I should say: my feelings took me by surprise and I didn’t handle them well.  As noted, previously, I didn’t miss DH.  But I did feel terribly alone.  I am not good with being alone but I need to be better with it, in my head… I will be, I am going to be!  The hard part is feeling as if I deserve nothing but…being alone.  Yes…that is how I feel.  I need to knock that feeling out of my head.  Working on it.

Today I serve DH the divorce papers.  So…this is also in my brain.  And I know it will be a challenging personal moment.  He knows it is coming, this isn’t a surprise to either of us, and the timing is just fine.  But it is still… ya know … hard.

I am a good person.  I deserve to love myself and not fear and loathe my feelings.  I dislike the sense that all I seem to do is whine.  Get out of my head.  Get on with life.  Let the good and bad happen.  They will no matter what and if I cannot enjoy the good that only leaves the bad to bring me further down.

I will be fine.  I will be so totally fine!  And that is my answer for the day

And tomorrow is a new day.

Spent my time alone. And the value is … absent.

But shaking this off. And new attitude tomorrow.

I really hate being pitiful girl. And that’s it.

I’m shaking it off.

I am.

Went to day 2 of motorcycle safety class. The minute I started doing u turns and s curves… my stomach clenched up. I panicked.

I exited the class. I need more practice. And then I’ll go back. I really enjoyed it but my head is playing with me.

So… Easter-fukking-Sunday.

I’m home. It is about 1030 AM. I’m half drunk. Usually do not start drinking quite so early. But today I am.

I need today to be over. I need to be at work. Busy.

I’ll figure this shit out. Fake it till I make it. Right? Right.

Went to the motorcycle class today. Passed the written without any problems. Of course. I’m smart that way. The actual learning to ride was a lot harder.

My basic problem? Overthinking. I am not “Using the force”. And yes one of my instructors did tell me, specifically, just that. I did dump the bike twice. TWICE! It rained hard for the final two hours outside. It took me over 3 hours to warm up and stop shaking. Having problems with tight turns.

I am not afraid to fail. If I do I’ll simply take it again. I’ll get through this.

This weekend is another weekend of being alone in a room full of people. Or house full as it may be. My housemates are holed up. I can hear them laughing and giggling. Their joy in each other does two things. First it does bring me joy. But, overwhelming, it makes me feel so alone. Tomorrow is Easter. After my class ( which I hope to pass) I’ll be over at another friend’s house. I have been invited because they don’t want me to be alone on the “holiday “. And yes I always made Easter dinner for friends. I want to decline. I want to stay in bed and just cry. Hell. I want to cry now. I’m told being alone is good for me. And I can see the value. But this emptiness physically hurts. And it hurts even more when I’m alone in a room of people. I will likely go tomorrow because I don’t want my friends to think I’m lonely. I don’t want their pity. And so Brave Face Ruth will come out. I’ll laugh and make jokes. I’ll pretend. And inside someone is cutting me open with a knife. Sad thing is. I don’t miss DH at all. It isn’t him I miss. I miss what I know I could have, maybe, one day. If I let myself. And if someone can find there is value in me. I’m afraid I won’t let that person do that. I’m afraid I’ll let that pass me by. Because I’m just afraid.

Didn’t sleep but a few minutes last night. I did all the right things. I turned off my iPhone (I will admit to looking at it once… and responding to a txt). No TV. Soothing rain sounds. I meditated. But my brain wouldn’t turn off

So I’m excited about my Motorcycle Safety Class this weekend. It is ALL weekend. Won’t have time for anything else. And I’ll admit to being a bit nervous about it. But more excited than anything else.

Work is, as always, on my mind. Did I do enuff. Did I leave anything for my partner to have to clean up? It’s only Friday but is Monday gonna be a shit show?

And then there is my personal life. My Great Aunt is in the hospital. She fell in the middle of the night. Fractured her wrist all to hell and has a big bruise on her temple. She is 92. She is wonderful. And I worry. I had dinner with my BFF and it was strained but ok. and then there is 15. But that’s enuff for today.

This morning I’m gonna leave my anxieties at the door. Go see my aunt. Get laundry done. Hit the gym. Get in my cardio and 80 squats. Do laundry and grocery shop. Be a regular person and not focus on the crazy. Right??? Ya. Right! LOL

I dislike having diarrhea of the mouth. Oh I don’t give away secrets others confide in me. I give away my secrets. My thoughts. Insecurities. Fears.

I do this to some people because I’m afraid They May get close. I may come to care. I often do. And I’m afraid they will find out about my own special brand of crazy/broken and not be able to tolerate it. Then poof. Gone.

I’m not particularly proud of many things recently. I acknowledge them. I understand that some was part of change and searching. But I feel like I should have had a better handle on myself.

I should have maintained better.

And once again I find myself in a position that makes me feel a bit the fool. A bit anxious. And also… hopeful. Hope leads to fear. But I’m going to cling to hope. As someone has said. I chose happiness.