As I write this I am not certain what the title is.  I hope, by the end, to know.

I love too hard.  I don’t mean “I’m in LUUUV with you”.  I simply mean I love too hard.  And while I acknowledge this, I cannot say I would change this fact.  Yes, it means some discomfort and possibly pain…but it also means joy.

And that love is an encompassing one.  Love of friends, family, animals and yes a lover.  I know it will sound like I’m splitting hairs or something…this love that I am expressing is not the romantic love that everyone dreams of.  I don’t dream of this.  I had my shot and blew it.  And the kind of romantic love, that everyone dreams of, is way to much for me.  The love I am talking about is a caring about how you are, a connection with you that makes our time together special, silly jokes and wonderful time spent doing whatever we like to do together.

I have given this some thought recently. Why do I do this? What is it, in my make-up or history, that gives me this sensation.  This feeling of joy and attachment.  Sometimes the knowledge that this feeling is going to be fleeting is present and I simply embrace what I have at that time.  I have felt this kind of love for my patients in the past.  It is just something I have, inside, that I give freely and no matter what the outcome…it makes me happy.  I have no answers to this question of my loving to fast and too hard.  I know that even when pain is upon me, due to this, I wouldn’t trade it for the world

Odd thoughts this morning.

 

Had a great time last eve. I felt amazingly comfortable and happy.

I’m still just enjoying the left over warm fuzzies.

Ahh well. Back to reality.

Four more work days. Then vacation! Myrtle Beach! Bike week.

So excited to be headed down there.

So I am not a tanning fiend. But I’m headed to Myrtle Beach in about 10 days. I know how it works if I don’t get a base tan… I burn miserably and have to hide from the world.

So over the past few weeks I have slowly been building a base tan. By slowly, I mean, 9 minutes in the high intensity booth once a week. So I have a little bit of color.

Yesterday I went again. They did warn me. They put new bulbs in. But I thought… no biggie! I also didn’t take into account the fact I had left the house sans undies.

My ass is so VERY red! Omfg. This will be a long few days!

Can’t believe I just took that chance. And I wasn’t rebuffed.

Gave him the opportunity to politely decline. And that didn’t happen. Knowing him I am not surprised… yet on a visceral level I am surprised.

And now he’s gonna meet a couple of my friends. And have the total opportunity to see how dorky I am. Cause CM is one of my oldest and dearest. And we just get totally silly together.

It’s probably just fine. And I’m certainly overthinking this. Cause that’s what I do.

Bah. Grow up goofball. Things will probably change anyway

I’m off to Myrtle Beach with one of my oldest friends and our crew.  SO HAPPY!

I’ll be gone on Tuesday and back on Sunday.  I am going to spend 5 days in the sun.  Running/jogging (yes…boggles the mind I know) on the beach!  Laying by the pool. Dancing all night.  Oh..and watching the motorcycles go by!  It’s Bike Week down there that week.

Haven’t been to Myrtle in about 3 years and my darling JSh basically gave me the directive I was going this year.  PERIOD!  LOL

And she was right, I am so glad I chose to go, I need it.

Weirdly…gonna really miss my ppl back here.   Some, more than others, but that’s pretty normal I guess.  It has been a VERY long time…. V E R Y long time since I have gone away for a few days and knew that I would be happy to return because I would be able to see the ppl I missed.  Its weird.  Have not felt this way about DH in eons.

The kinda…stress…wondering about being missed…in turn.  And it is a bit stressful. But that is OK too.  It’s part and parcel of the whole thing.

I am currently 282 pounds!  I hope to lost 2 more by the time I get on the plane.  It’s not like it will make any difference in the scheme of things.  I wont get cheaper flight.  But it is just a tiny goal.  Total pounds lost is 58!  I lost a 5 year old!

A bit antsy and anxious.  And this particular feeling got me thinking…I need to STOP being anxious all the dam time.

Ok..so right now…whatevah!  BUT…

Seriously.  I apologize ALL the DAM TIME! Practically apologize for breathing sometimes.  Something happens to someone and “I’m sorry” comes out of my mouth.  People look at me like “Ummm..You didn’t have anything to do with that 10 foot alligator that ate gramma…why are you apologizing?”

If I am in someone’s way…physically…I will automatically defer to their movements and apologize for being there.

If someone bumps into ME…due to thoughtless or negligent movements…guess who is apologizing!

All this plays into my stupid anxieties and I think it is a VERY bad habit.  If it were ONLY a habit then…I might say…who cares.  But since it truly feeds my whole “I’m not really worthy of being here and breathing the same air as you” thing I seem to have going on…it IS a problem.

OK.  I am gonna work on this.

Quit with the apologizing (unless there really IS something to apologize for…like stepping on your toes or smacking you in the face when I turn over…those are OK apology times!)

I know what it is. I must straighten some stuff out. I need to have a conversation that will be difficult. To take responsibility for my own actions.

A bit muddled today.  Not quite certain what my response to life should be.

I mean…obviously… go on.  Life goes on.  But I am uncertain about how to do so.  I am working on letting things unfold and just, let go, and not be so controlling in my life.  And this is challenging me!  Probably a good thing.

As they say, time will tell.

As a friend recently told me, “Ruth, you think about something once and then again another 30 thousand times, and tie yourself in knots…before you make a move.  You need to try to see all the avenues of possibility”  Yes..that is paraphrasing.  But my memory is only so good sometimes

 

Ever wondered why you respond to one person (or one situation) in a certain manner but then… turn around and respond to a different person (or situation) in a different manner?

That’s me.

I cannot quite explain it and I don’t mean to be vague.  I am just… rather amazed at the differences in my personality depending upon certain circumstances.  I also suspect, had I been solo, my personality would not have been quite so … out there!

Wish I had been able to take a picture of today’s sunrise.  It was GLORIOUS!  But I was driving…and … it was behind me… and I like my life LOL.

My desk if finally all organized again.  And by organized I mean that my: Dragon, Wonder Woman, Dorothy and the Witch, Darth Vader and Yoda are all in place where they belong.  Paperwork is organized … but more importantly the support decor is spot on and I am … so much a nerd sometimes!  But hey, I like my nerd-ness!

Speaking of nerd-ness: Still cant quite bring myself to see Endgame solo.  Just gonna have to wait this one out.  It’s cool tho.  I will do it eventually.

And work calls.  Glorious day…glorious sunrise… Tally-ho!

Can’t seem to go to the movies since the whole divorce thing. I’ll do anything else solo. I don’t mind. But movies? Hate it.

Endgame is out today. I really want to go. But I don’t want to go alone. It won’t be nearly as much fun solo.

Oh yes I can beg to tag along with friends. I know this. But you gotta know that feels shitty to me as well.

I guess I’m just gonna have to put on my big girl panties and suck it up. I can do that.

I’ll let you know…