Hello again.

It has been a difficult few weeks and I have not felt like writing.  One of the difficulties, as you know, has been the death of Oberon.  And then having no one/nothing in my home.  Self-care is more difficult for me if I don’t have to also care for someone/something else.

Well after searching, calling, placing requests I was able to find a new dog.

Marta is a 45 pound Pitty mix bundle of energy and joy.  She was in a foster home for about 1 year and her foster-mom would have kept her if she could.  She is about 3 years old.

I got to meet her last Saturday and she is wonderful.  She was abused and is a bit shy around men but we are working on that.  (Wish me luck, 15 is coming over today to meet her!)

She cuddles with me at night and when on the couch but otherwise she LOVES the chuck-it toy and tug of war.  She RUNS and RUNS along the fence with the neighbor dog (little Lucy) and patrols the back yard  whenever possible.

While working from home she cuddles up on one of my old robes and sits in the office with me.

We are working on her jumping up on everyone but hey, its only day 3.

I actually got out on a walk with her yesterday and plan to make that my routine.  After work, a walk… she needs a bit of work there too.  Its OK, I have time and energy for her, so it is all good.

She isn’t Oberon.  She isn’t intended to be.  He was special in a different way.  She is special in a new way.

So thank you Universe for helping out here.

Who cannot stop crying?!?!?!

Seriously.

I cry daily.  I fukking HATE crying!

I didn’t know there was this much available extra water in my body!!!

I don’t like feeling vulnerable.

I do not like feeling afraid!

But that is all I am feeling these days.

Vulnerable and afraid.  Fukking SUX!

I want to be strong and independent and I am not succeeding!!!!

It is frustrating … angering …

So I only told one person this…. I actually called the suicide prevention hotline last week.

I do not believe in ending my own life from emotional distress.  I really don’t!

But all I could think of was the snub-nosed 38 in my house.  And how much easier it would be to just end…stop… all this shit.

Through everything in the recent years I have NEVER thought of this.  To actively end my life.  But last week … I couldn’t stop thinking about it for one night.

obviously, nothing happened.

Obviously, I am still here.

Between the poor person on the other end of the phone and my own rational thought process….I am still here.

And I am glad.

I am embarrassed to have had these thoughts.  I am ashamed to have these thoughts.

But … somewhere … someone … else may be having the same thoughts.

You are not alone!

Don’t do it.  Just hang in there.  You are NOT alone!!!

if I put this out there … and it makes a difference in ONE person’s life (and I hope it does) it is worth it.

So embarrassment aside.  I feel you sister/brother.  I really do.

We will get thru this.

It’s OK

I don’t know you.  I love you anyway.

Stay with us.

 

I miss people.

I miss my people, strangers, loved ones, family…everyone.  I just miss people.

Now I am not sad and crying here.  I guess just wistful.

There are people I would see at work, daily, and it was wonderful talking to them. I don’t say that as a “hindsight is 20/20” kind of thing.  I looked forward to spending a few minutes talking to some people every day.

I am also the kind of person who generally smiles when walking down a hallway and often get quick smiles or hellos from strangers.  I am the kind of person who will stop and offer help to the many lost souls often seen walking the halls of my hospital with a map and a frown.

I go to restaurants and chat with people in line or at another table.  Not incessantly but I’m not shy either.

And when I had my dog I talked to him all the time and cuddled and played.

Now the silence is deafening.  Yes I can put on music or a movie and listen.  of course I can do that.  But after a while it all just melds together anymore.

Some of my friends have started Zoom groups and that can be fun.  I need to figure out how to get it running properly on my computer though.  And also, how much time can you spend talking about something new…when nothing at all is really new?

On Feb 21 it will be one month since I lost Oberon.  It seems like yesterday but I know better.  And while that loss is extremely painful it isn’t a persistent pain anymore.  I have been thinking about getting a new dog but it feels almost like a betrayal.  I know it isn’t.  If Oberon were a person he would say go out and find a new person.  I know this.  I was so patient waiting for Oberon to be in my life but I feel less patient now. And that feeling often gets me in trouble.  So I am trying.  I think my lack of patience stems from the solitude.

So get right with the world now.  Practice patience.  Stay safe and stay home.

So for all you, out there, whoever you are…I miss you!

 

It is lovely when you are in a relationship and find new levels of intimacy; comfort.

And then sometimes its just funny.

Working from home today.  JJF and 15 have been camping out at my house since Friday.  It’s closer to work for JJF and 15 has been laid off due to COVID and he is going bonkers home alone.  Then they have been worried about me since they know I dislike being alone all the time.

So last week we talked and they asked if they could stay with me this week.

Yesterday, while I worked, 15 did my laundry, did the dishes, made the bed and then cleaned up and organized my wood pile.  Let me say this again…DID MY LAUNDRY!

Now this didn’t upset me but it sure as FUK surprised me!  New level of intimacy.

This morning, another level.

So when I got online (at home) I was going to sign in and then go shower but our information service technicians had to help me with something so I didn’t get to shower.

About an hour ago I asked my coworker if she would mind covering for a few moments; I really did want a shower.

I didn’t realize it but 15 is in the bathroom “Takin a shit”  Well, I really just wanted to hop in and after all, its not like I would talk to him or be staring at him from behind the curtain.

So…I popped into the bathroom, told him to “pretend I’m not there” and proceeded with my shower.

Next thing ya know Puppers (15s dog) comes bounding in and JJF is right behind.  All 4 of us in the bathroom and yup…talking… and 15 is still trying to poop.

At some point 15 just looks up at both of us (I was drying off by that time) and says, “Well I think this has just taken our relationship to a new level of intimacy!”  All three of us laughed.

The thing is…it was just easy.  No huffing or puffing.  No embarrassment. And while it is funny.  It is also nice.

BUT I will say…I am thinkin maybe not to make a habit of it.

Try to keep a LITTLE mystery!

LOL

So my last post probably seems a bit … over the top.

Probably is.

Don’t care.

I spent all day feeling something inside. Something hopeful.

It’s been a while since I felt that way.

I’m thankful I had those feelings and then I was able to express them.

So yes. I’m dramatic.

My previous post is a bit … over the top?

Sappy?

Yup.

At the beginning of the day I told 15 I had a poem in my heart.

It came out eventually.

I am a sentimental fool, when it comes right down to it, always.

I would prefer not to be.  But I am and frankly I should own that shit.

When I give my heart, for any reason, it is the whole thing.

While I might prefer to hold back… I cannot.

So … to 15, to Joe.  I had to express it.

He won’t see it, really, he isn’t like that.

But that is OK.  And to anyone else, out-there, who I I given my heart to.  And there are  many.

I regret nothing.

While it may hurt on occasion, I would rather give my heart, thank keep it locked up and alone.

Difficult and damaged.

Honest and painful.

Frightened and alone.

Unknowing and thoughtless.

You  found me.

You saw me.

You didn’t care.

You saw something better.

Something deeper…

For the big things,

For the small things,

Thank You.

For loving me, no matter what.

For giving me the truth, no matter what.

Thank You.

For the quiet or boisterous times.

For the painful or happy times.

You see me.

I can never repay you.

I can never make this even.

You don’t care.

Thank You.

You bring out the best in me.

You help me find myself.

Knowing you are there,

Brings me comfort.

Thank you.

Through you I know that I am enough.

Through you I know that I will be enough.

Thank You.

May I be there, with you, in the hard times.

May I be there, with you, in the good times.

May I enrich your life as you have enriched mine.

This is my prayer.

Thank You .

These are definitely interesting times.

Working from home two days per week now.  I don’t feel comfortable just going into work once a week.  Some of my coworkers are doing that and I am happy for them and their comfort level.

I can do almost everything I need from home but it still feels odd.

I do like the window I can look out of at any time.  I also like that, now it is spring weather, I can keep the window open.  That is a joy.

I hope a bird builds a nest where I can see it in the tree right outside.  Right now I can hear a ton of birds chirping and trilling.  It is calming.

I may be deployed to different areas because of the need for staffing related to COVID 19.  I sincerely hope I don’t have to do this but if I do I will.

I need a haircut!  so very badly!  I almost took scissors to my hair the other night.  I haven’t tried to do that in YEARS because I really have NO talent with hair and it always comes out looking a MESS!  15 has me trim his hair now and again and I do, and he always says it looks great, but boy do I get anxious when I do it.

Well, onto the day, hope everyone stays healthy and safe.

 

Please understand this post is VERY random thoughts that are, and have been, going through my brain for the past weeks.  Likely to be disorganized but I need to write. This post is thoughts/ideas/comments as they come into my brain.

I have avoided writing about COVID 19

It’s on the news, it’s on all the feeds, comments made by the moment on FB, on our minds and it’s in the air.

I can’t get away from it.

I am scared.  Not really scared of dying but sure as fuk scared of the thought of the process. Of being completely alone when I go.

People are dying and they are dying alone.  Family not allowed to be there (completely understandable by the way).

The only people with them are the medical staff by their side…if possible…not always possible.

When I worked beside some of my most HONORED moments were when I was privileged to be by someone’s side when they died if their families could not be.  Now…with this disease…its hard for the medical staff to be there.

We have now come to a point where hospitals and the medical staff are having to make choices about who to treat and who to let die. It sounds mid-evil but in 2020 it is happening.

I am also terribly afraid of losing ANYONE I care about. I have never been good with loss. Some of my closest and dearest are at high risk.

I don’t remember living with this kind of constant fear.  Even after 911.  Even with my brother fighting in two wars… This is worse.

Afraid to go outside. But I do.

Afraid to talk to anyone.  But I do.

This kind of fear is HORRIBLE.  I push past it and do what I need to do to go through my daily life.  Not sure how I do it but I get it done.

I want everyone in my life to know how much I love them and care and want everything to work out for the best.  But I am afraid to say things like that because I don’t want people to panic or think I am suicidal or anything.  Lord knows I have been quite distraught this past week(s).

I thought the worst thing was losing my dad.  I thought the worst thing was leaving my marriage. I thought the worst thing was losing my dog.  All of these things are horrid and were so painful (and remain so).

But the worst thing is losing myself.

In the past 3 years I have made such strides. I have come out of my shell. I found new friends. I reconnected with old friends.

Now I am PUSHED back into the shell and I am not sure how to get out again.

I need people and touch.  The new normal is a computer conversation with people.  This DOES help. But for people like me, it is not enough.  I wish it was.

I’m worried for my mom.  She is in a community type-setting and I can’t go see her.  Yes we have our troubles but she is still my mom and I want to give her a hug.  Feel her hug back.  I am not allowed.

I worry about my dear friend with Multiple Sclerosis.  She has gone through so much and it is quiet likely that if she contracted COVID 19 it would kill her.

I worry about my friends who have to work with the public…in ANY way…this thing kills healthy people too.

I cannot stop worrying. I cannot stop being afraid. And I AM trying.  I am just not succeeding very well.

I wanted to be with my dog when he was so sick and died.  I am not allowed.

At work, there are people I normally hug/touch.  I am not allowed.

I want to go to my local bar or favorite restaurant and talk to strangers (yes, I am that annoying person). I am not allowed.

Please understand that I agree with the restrictions; needed.  I  certainly don’t want to put anyone at risk or put myself at risk. I am not railing against the government or against the Universe.  I am simply trying to get this shit off my heart.

I feel like I have a new tattoo that no one can see.  It is on my soul. FEAR!  Dramatic?  Probably. But I cannot help how I feel.

Some people find comfort in the information provided by the news.  I have had to stop watching it.  I still get updates because I see it on my feeds and get notifications from work.  But I want it to go away.

I want to gather ALL of my people and have a giant puppy-pile and have everyone just hug and touch each other.  I know. Even in the best of times this doesn’t happen. But this is a wish (and if wishes were assholes…as the saying goes).

Another sleepless night.

Another day is here.  I will get through this.  We all will.  But who won’t?  Who do we lose next?  Who gets sick and passes through this life without their family at their side?

I don’t know.

I am praying so hard for the world, not just my own world, but the world as a whole.

Lord…if you are really out there…please just help us get through this.  Please help us survive and grow.  Don’t make social distancing the new normal (I have learned to loathe this phrase) Let our children grow up with touch and love… not with computer communication as their only way of seeing the world.

Again, sorry for the randomness of this post.  But even the words I write are not enough to express my feelings and thoughts.

I am NOT in a panic.  I AM in a depression and it isn’t chemical. There isn’t a drug I can take to get me through this. This is something I just have to go through and fight my way out of.  I know this and will.

Yesterday I put all of Oberon’s things away.  It took a week. But it was time.  I washed my bedding. It no longer smells like him. It was time.  I could not quite bring myself to sleep in the bed yet but I will.  This weekend I will completely clean my house.  It needs it.  I will stop surviving on coffee and cigarettes.  I will make real meals and eat properly.  Small goals. Small promises to myself.  But I can keep them.

And when I am finally allowed to again, I am going to see my mom and give her the biggest hug of her life! I don’t care about our past difficulties.  I know there will be more in the future and I don’t care.

Thank you for listening. Time to get off the computer and on with my life.

My dog died today! Oberon …. the love of my life.

He had a stroke, an aneurysm or acute encephalitis.

Doesn’t matter…. whatever he had …. he dead.

I am so angry. My anger cannot be properly expressed.

Right or (more likely) wrong I want Simone to blame!!!!!

I hate the world right now!!!!

I want this pain to stop.