Had a rather stressful day yesterday at work.  Mostly had to do with getting the right thing done, in a timely basis, at an outside facility…and that outside facility is in Po-Dunk, stuck in the 18th century and has their collective pre-neanderthal heads up their behinds!  Took too much time, too much energy and by the time I was done I was so angry I was thinking horrible thoughts.

I took a walk.  Now, I walked around the full outside of my hospital in 20 minutes.  That…is fast (esp for me because I like to stroll-ish)

As I walked I talked to myself, the air, the gods of irritation and frustration.  I gestured a LOT.  I also, when stressed, actively shake my hands like I am trying to shake off dough from my fingers.  I find the imagery of shaking off the stress and anger sometimes helps.

I get almost back to my building when security pulls up next to me.  Aparantly, I looked a bit crazy…and by that time I am sure I did.  Hair was a MESS, I was sweaty as hell and I was still yammering to the world.  They wanted to know if I needed help.

Ok..good on them they did their job.  But I have to say…I got the BIGGEST LAUGH out of it.  Probably still just a stress reaction but that laugh did more good for me than the entirety of the walk.

So…someone thought I was nutz…and I find it funny.  I should perhaps find it ironic? Actually I am a bit nutz…but hey.  Better by the time I was done laughing

Onto a new day

Having a perfectly lovely day and suddenly…I feel like I am about to come out of my skin!  My stomach is upset and I can feel anxiety climbing up my spine and across my arms.

I cannot begin to tell you how frustrating this is.  I cannot pinpoint what the concern or problem is!  I am just working and very happy because I am FINALLY caught up with the back-log of work I returned to from vacation.

I cannot go on medications to help prevent this because they just make me feel numb.  I have been numb for years and I cannot go back to that.

OK

I’ll manage.

It is, to put it mildly, freaking frustrating!

I have been asked to write a letter.

To express myself.

I have done so. In much the same way I blog … my letter was one draft. Hand written. Expressing my thoughts; feelings.

The letter isn’t a declaration. It is a thank you. It is a promise. A letting go and a tearing down of walls.

As when I blog… it was frightening and a bit painful. But it was also good.

I hope it is received well. I believe it will be. But there is always that worry. I’m going to, for now, set aside the worry. I am going to focus on the now, today, tomorrow. I am going to enjoy my days and life and assume all is well until proven otherwise.

The truth of myself is worth it.

I’m thankful I was asked to write.

As I went back to work this week, for an abbreviated work-week due to Memorial Day on Monday, I find I am too busy to think about much other than work…work and work.

I kinda like that.  When I am at work I am focused and busy.  I don’t have time for wishy-washy anxiety attacks and I just work.  When stuff sneaks up on me I can push it aside and focus on the job.

I have been so tired at night I fall into bed like a lump by 10 pm or I push even harder and go out with friends.

I must admit…tomorrow…Friday….I anticipate sleeping in…taking a nap…and maybe even going to bed early!  I kinda need to catch up on it!

For now things are good. EE and I are still awaiting a court date.  We didn’t meet this Tuesday and that’s fine. I don’t really need to and I think he doesn’t either.

Still chilling and having a lovely time socially.

Talk to you all later!

The minutiae of the party is unimportant.

The important thing is that I not only survived but I thrived.

Met EEs girlfriend. She seemed nice. Attractive woman. We didn’t interact much and most of the time 15 and I were in other areas of the party than EE.

There were absolutely moments of anxiety but, as promised, 15 was there and paying attention. He helped ease those moments. Turned my mind to other, non-stressful things. Silly topics or made me laugh.

Had a wonderful time all in all.

One of my friends did rather corner 15 to find out if, and I quote,”I can’t figure out if you have an Oedipal Complex or you just have great taste in women”. I did do a bit of reassuring in that quarter. If those are the two options the 15 just plain has great taste in women. HA! A couple others did threaten him a bit of bodily injury should he hurt me. He handled it all with aplomb

I’m really happy I don’t work tomorrow. I need the rest!

Ok. I am trying so hard to accept myself. To be happy with who I am and what I want. Hell. Still working on what I want. I don’t need someone else telling me what I want is wrong or should be different.

Why would people who barely know me feel they have the right… the fuking balls to tell me what I am… what I do… who I see is wrong?

Got a bit of a kick in the teeth yesterday eve by some people who felt just that. They felt they had the right to perform a bit of a “friendly ” intervention on my dating life.

I was informed I really should try dating people around my area and around my age. Now…I know that they were not actually intending to hurt me. And they had good intentions. But the road to hell is paved with these.

Fuk that!

And if course, even though these people are not in my inner circle, I’m effected by the word. Effected by their judgement.

Which just makes me angry at myself

Bite me!

I don’t know what else to say but I am just so angry. And… doubt… and they are so wrong and I know this. right!?

Fuk this!

I figured something out about myself.

When I have new stressors, new anxiety producing concerns or new earth-shattering-kaboom style issues it takes me almost exactly 24 hours to calm down and resolve shit.

If it is taking me longer than 24 hours then its a EARTH-SHATTERING-KABOOM and it then takes me months (for instance leaving my husband and subsequent divorce).

But for the smaller things…yet still stressful things…I find it takes me about 24 hours to calm down.  After 24 hours concerns may not be resolved but I am less stressed.

Now in that 24 hours it kind-a sucks because I become focused on the problem or concern…and all I want to do is talk about it because that helps me process it.  And again, during that 24 hours, when all I want to do is talk I sound like a broken record.  Hell…I talk things out in my car…when I don’t have anyone to talk to or when I feel I am probably just going to bore someone to death.  And I can be repetitive and boring.  Even I hear it.  But this is how I process things.  I go over them and over them and try to see stuff from every angle…so I can understand…so I can learn and so I can grow.  In this way I decrease my anxiety about … whatever the problem is … and move on.

I also try to imagine different scenarios that may happen around events…and sort-a pre-process my reaction to said scenario.  Like practicing a fire drill: if you practice on a regular basis then when a fire happens your response is more likely to be organized and appropriate.  So I imagine, when I know a situation, how I could possibly feel and respond in an effort to try to control my response and make it not…quite…so overblown or have it effect me so much. That’s what I have been doing about this upcoming party on Saturday.  Yes I will have support (on many levels) but I have been trying to consider how I will feel seeing EE with someone else.  I am really not sure because, when I think about it, there feels like a big hole in my emotions and responses.  Is this hole present because I truly no longer love him (in that way) and it is perfectly OK?  Is the hole present because I’m in denial about something to do with this?  Is the hole present because I just don’t actually care and I am a giant asshole? (I hope this isn’t it!…but what if it is???)  I just don’t know.  So we shall see what transpires and how I really do react.

Only 5 more hours till my weekend begins.  I look forward to it with a bit of hopeful anticipation and a slight amount of paralyzing anxiety.  Now that is a combo, eh?

OK, last night I exited this place I normally call work but, at this time, am calling it hell.  The past 2 days have been horrid.  Very stressed (just about work!) and anxious.  As leaving I was texting 15 and writing him a book about my couple of days.  We went back and forth and he was sweet, as always, and supportive and it was appreciated.

So I was already stressed and then I go to Eventual-Ex’s (EE’s) to meet and pick up mail. EE has been stressed about his work and some lay-offs that are coming down the pike.  I have been there, in the past, with him and am very empathetic and sympathetic to his concerns.

During our conversation he brought up a big birthday bash that we are both going to this Saturday.  He told me, as a courtesy (which we had both previously agreed was a good idea) that he is bringing a date.  I looked him straight in the eye and told him the truth, “I am very happy for you; that’s fantastic.  Please assure your girlfriend I won’t behave badly and I will be kind and polite”  I DO mean those words with my whole heart.  But the feelings that went along with this news were dichotomous.  First I felt (about 95%) like I was being stabbed in the chest.  This was frustrating because I do not want to go back to him. I don’t love him that way anymore, I still care, but as a friend.  But after 23 years of marriage, it was bound to hurt.  Then the other 5% was pure selfish…and I am ashamed of it; Oh great..and I don’t have a date!

Now, after I told EE how happy I was for him (like 30 seconds post receiving the news) I excused myself and picked up my phone, texted 15 and told him about the icing on the cake of my week.  I would have sent that to anyone at all who I had been whining to.  I simply had to … just … immediately get that off my chest.  And I figured that… was that.

I got a text back and he asked if I wanted him to go with me to the party… … … … … ….

Umm…..  OMG! Initially simply replied “Seriously????”  Because that is NOT why I sent it to him.  I then sent off he didn’t need to feel obligated to do this.  He then said a couple really sweet and charming things back and said he wanted to go if I wanted him there.  And so I said yes.  I wanted to say yes, I knew if I thought about it much longer than 5 minutes I would over-think it and I would tell him “No…I’m fine!  Thanks tho!”  So I didn’t let myself think; I let myself feel.  We then made plans for seeing each other tonight and well…there ya go.

Now I suspect 15 will be quite the support and it is possible meeting EE’s girlfriend MAY just be harder than I anticipate.  It may not…but having 15 there will definitely help.  Saying that, now I feel like I am using him. And I hate feeling that way.  I know he volunteered … and I know him, he wouldn’t have done that if he didn’t feel he wanted to go.  But it still feels like I’m using him.  And…this is REALLY hard to say but I must acknowledge this: I am also kinda thrilled to show up to this party with EE as my date because he is very sexy and makes me feel good.  And I kinda feel like I am bragging a bit.  After all: this old gal can attract this young hottie…and whatcha’ all think of that?!?!? HUH?!!?  Of course, this feeling makes me feel very ashamed and superficial.  Did I mention overthinking things???  But lets face it…it is very superficial!

Underneath all of the anxieties and concerns about…my cougar status…(AAARGH) I am pleased and have a happy warm feeling all over that he cared enough to go with me.  He cared about how I felt about the party.  It’s pretty simple.  I’m not quite used to that and it feels good. I suspect I should go with it. And breathe.  again… Breathe.  This is good for now and what we both need and want.

Saturday night will be difficult emotionally, but with my friend there… holding my hand (metaphorically and actually) it will be easier.  And I am so gonna tell him all this tonight because he deserves to know that I’m anxious about this and I feel like I’m being selfish.  I need to give him the opportunity to back out, in case he wishes to, or re-confirm.  And if he decides not to go…then that’s OK too.

BREATHE GIRL!

Firstly: The sunrise was so lovely and peaceful this morning.  I was driving and I noticed this.  It wasn’t vibrant or powerful…just soothing and peaceful.  A pale yellow which blossomed into a gentle pinkish-purple.  It was a nice start to my day.

Secondly: Saw a beautiful crane last night on my drive home.  Had I not been on the freeway I would have stopped to try to capture the image.  It was in a small and slightly swampy area right off one of the exits on I-275.  The blindingly white crane was standing amid the tall grasses in the water.

Thirdly (and probably most frustrating): Even with all the lovely images I have noted. Peaceful and nature-ful.  Grace in the chaos.  I am still feeling anxious.  I am not certain why the anxiety seems to be getting worse and I am meditating, exercising, trying to get my heart/brain/soul in a copacetic space.  I will keep all these things going.  I need to.  I feel like something is coming…and I don’t know what or why.  Can’t tell you if it is good or bad (though my cynic side says … bad babe, very bad …I’m trying to ignore that side, push those thoughts aside).

I am loved by the people who are important.

I am enough.

I must keep remembering this.

Am I the only one who has to tell this to herself daily? No…I know I am not.  But sometimes it feels like it.

OK: Game face, time to work!

Starting with work.  My work partner does an amazing job of covering me when I am on vacation.  But it is very hard to do your own work AND the full work of someone else.  So things fall through.  She gets frikkin tired.  When I come back to work, after any significant time off, there is a MOUND of shit and I am in the middle of that mound right now.  I’ll get through it but it is very very stressful.

Now the following is not about work: I feel like I am spinning my wheels.  Like I am looking for something and I don’t know what it is.  I am chasing something and I don’t know what or who it is.  It is a very uncomfortable feeling.  And yet, part of me (if I really want to be honest) certainly does know.  And I am not quite ready to say it because it pisses me off with myself.  I don’t like feeling this way.  And yet I am very unwilling to verbalize my concerns because I know if I push and poke and do all that stuff I will very likely come out a loser in the end.  And I do know who I am chasing.  And it makes me feel a lot like I need to tighten the screw that is loose in my brain.

Still awaiting a date for the divorce hearing.

Too many things are up in the air for me right now. I cannot find balance.