One week from now is going to be the eve of what should be my divorce.

I’m trying not to let this get too far into my brain.

I’m not sure how I am suppose to deal with … prepare for … handle it.

I’m glad it will be done.

I’m sad about the whole thing too.

I’m a bit excited to have it end.

I’m a bit scared about it too.

I really do know I’ll be ok in the long run. It’s just the … waiting. Anticipating the court. The whole thing.

It’s. Calmingly disturbing. Frighteningly comforting.

Ughhh.

Ahh well.

Time will tell.

OK, so I put my big girl panties on last night.  Called mom.

She hemmed and hawed and beat around the bush and I finally asked her to spit out what she wanted to ask.  So she did.

I told her yes, I am getting a divorce.  She did the usual (oh NO! and what HAPPENED? and all that stuff) and really that isn’t a surprise and I get it from a lot of people so it isn’t the least bit upsetting.

I explained to mom that what happened between DH and I is between DH and I and she doesn’t need to know the particulars.  But what IS important is that I am happy!  Happy with MYSELF! I think she kinda chose not to hear that at first but eventually it got through.

Interestingly she said, “You sound so strong, you always were the strong one.”  I was surprised by that assessment.  I told her that in the past year I have learned how strong I could be and that, before…I didn’t know.  She was surprised to hear that I didn’t stay in the house and that I was the one who left.

She did say “Don’t you remember, before you got married, how you said you wanted your marriage to be like mine and your dad’s?”  And I told her that my marriage simply didn’t work out like anyone planned.  She asked if I plan to marry again someday and I did reply with a very healthy “Over my dead body”  Now this was a kicker…”But who will take care of you?”  Ummmm.. Me.  I will take care of me!

She asked if I am dating anyone and I replied yes.  Then there were about 3 heartbeats of silence and she said… “Is it a man?”  Oh my word!  I was surprised to hear mom ask that and I said, yes…for now. Then she asked if I thought I might “go the distance” (really??? and by that I know she intended long term relationship) with him.  I explained I have no idea and am just taking things as they come.  The conversation wasn’t horrid though there was a bit of crying…on her part.

She did get one little dig in though…but it didn’t sting. “Your father would be so disappointed!”  Yes, well I explained that I believe my father would be proud of me for finding my own path in this world and supporting myself.  Silence to that.

So there.  It’s done.  Mom knows and that’s all there is to that.

Knowing my mom…there will be multiple follow up phone calls and stuff.  I’ll handle it as it comes.

I would like to share some advice from a good friend.  It really helped me think and clarify what to say and who to say things to.

“Failure to stand in a busy intersection and proclaim your truth is not hiding. Neither is reserving your truth for those who have earned the right to hear it. There is a distinction between selective disclosure and hiding. They are not interchangeable.”

 

 

I was re-reading my post about my mom’s call to me and how it is stressing to me.

The worst stress is being fully aware how the simple disclosure that DH and I are getting a divorce will effect my mother.  It will effect how she treats me and talks to me.

And I would like to have some-kind of relationship with my mother.  But if she goes down a dark path (and she really has been known to) then I cannot.  And when mom spirals…she does it fast and hard.

So, add to that, I am actually seeing someone and that we have a mutual friend we both are seeing…And I feel anxious about disclosure.  I know, for certain, that disclosing the divorce must happen.  I get it.

Disclosing anything else is not a good idea.  But then here is where my brain twists.  If I do disclose my very unconventional relationship … then I will receive difficult back-lash from my mom and … I could potentially hurt her.  As it is if she were to simply ask if I am dating anyone and find out he is 19 years my junior…well…that would be hella hard on her to not keep her mouth shut about.  Cause she would have very specific things to say… and not care how she sounds…as long as she gets her point across.

But by keeping my relationship quiet…I feel like I am hiding.  And … the reason this goes against the grain is because I have spent many years hiding/quiet…not rocking the boat.  I didn’t rock the boat so I couldn’t cause waves and could maintain the status quo.

Hence my Drama-Queen mode.  I don’t walk around my daily life proclaiming “I’m dating someone 19 years my junior and we also have a mutual girlfriend!” as if I am from Monty Python screaming “BRING OUTCHER DEAD!”  But I have not hidden it either.  Hell my work-wife asked if I was dating both of them and my face almost fell on the floor!

But if asked I would, and have, said yes … I am dating both of them and I don’t flinch.

I just totally trip up when it comes to my mom.  And when I keep stumbling around like this it becomes frustrating and the longer you wait and try to figure it out the worse it gets due to anticipation and anxiety…want me to go on with that really long sentence?

So…there ya go.  I am happy in my life and with my life.  I am just a bit stressing about sharing any part of my life with my mom…any part.

oh well

So. At a very interesting time (for me) of Saturday I received a call from mom

She finally asked if s DH and I were ok…

I was actually in a very happy place with 15 and JJF.

Kinda looking looked around the room and politely told he “That’s really none of your business”.

She then told me “I hope you two are alright” and we kindly ended the call.

I know she will need to be told about the divorce sooner or later. And she will never believe I am happy.

I feel like … weirdly… I won’t be able to say I accept who I am … how I am … until I tell her how I really am.

But I don’t know if that is selfish. Thoughtless. Cause I know she will be upset. How I am. Who I am will cause her pain.

I feel that telling her … about me … would only cause her pain. And hence selfish. The only one it would serve is a myself. Selfish.

But then … if I am less than honest is this causing myself … injury. My self. My soul. I don’t know.

I think this will take a bit of thinking.

Probably some therapy.

Gonna have to be pro thru this. A bit.

And today I have some perspective. 24 hours have passed and I’m a lot calmer.

I really didn’t expect that call yesterday. And I don’t handle that stuff well. For 24 hours. 🙄

I realize that so many abnormal Pap smears come back as nothing.

Over-reaction, over-think and over analyze thy name is Ruth

So I went out with a couple friends. Got absolutely shit faced drunk. Apparently hit on some poor baby at the bar…and I vaguely remember that. Enuff to know I was past she-wasted. While my friends watched over me to make sure I did nothing stupid. Passed out in the back of the car and made it up to bed and slept the sleep of the drunk.

While I don’t advocate this behavior for everyone… I gotta say I feel much better now.

I am sure all will be well and it’s not going to be any big deal.

I refuse to obsess over the possible negative outcome. I’m alive and well and I’ll deal with this much better than I did that stupid breast cancer scare.

Gonna start by rolling over and give some much deserved cuddles.

I am fine. Like … totally!!!

Pap testing.

Results show possible cervical cancer.

Really????

Was it not enuff to scare the ever-loving-shit out of me earlier this year about possible breast cancer… which was totally neg.

Now possible cervical???

I cannot scream loud enuff right now.

So… I had a doc appointment last evening.  The works…ya know…the WORKS.

Let’s start with the comment from my MD “I think I’ll use the smaller speculum”  I thought…ummmm…OK.  I don’t know what to think about that but hey, do whatever works.

After he completed my exam and told me it all looks quite normal (duh) he asked if I had any concerns or questions.

Ok, I did: Ever since menopause I have had lubrication issues.  Enough so that even during the day, normal day, work day, home day…not sex day… I have some dryness and discomfort.  I explained this to him.

It’s at this point he tells me he was talking with a GYN colleague of his recently who advocates Olive Oil for lubrication.

…

Ummm…

I lasted about 30 seconds before I burst out in guffaws/snorts and general unruliness. I couldn’t stop for 5 minutes.  Every time he tried to speak I would laugh again.

I apologized but stated, “I just got this image of bringing Olive Oil into the bedroom and my partner asking if we were gonna make a salad?”

Coconut oil was also suggested.

Later, post appointment considerations, the whole thing still tickles me.  Would I need to use Extra Virgin Olive Oil?  Should I stay away from Cold Pressed Olive Oil?

Now I know he was serious and I am CERTAIN there is merit.  But it took me by SUCH surprise I couldn’t help but find the funny in it!

I’ll never look at salad or cooking with Olive Oil the same again!

I have not let anyone under my skin since I left EE.

Well I find that someone is actually under my skin. And I hate it.

It makes me vulnerable.

I don’t like that.

But I need to accept it. I believe.

I don’t want this because… I admit… the potential for pain is there.

But I need to accept it. It’s life. If I deny this then I deny myself a potentially wonderful experience.

It scares me. I don’t want to put myself in harms way.

It if I am not open to this… then what am I living for?

I’m in the best place I have ever been… well at least on a very long time… in my life.

It’s not love its infatuation. And I know it. I get it.

But it still makes me uncomfortable. Makes me vulnerable.

I think I need to be vulnerable. Accept discomfort. Accept vulnerability. Without risking both I cannot grow.

Does this sound stupid? I don’t know for certain.

Am I just following an easy path? Potentially a hedonist path??? Or am I allowing life to happen??? And going with it.

Gah !!!!

I don’t know.

For now….I will follow the path. See where it leads. See what I discover.

I think …. I think … too much.

I know how I feel and what I want. Is this a good path???

Dunno.

I think I must let this play out.

Be open to new experiences. Be open to being (possibly) hurt.

This is life, I believe, open and honest.

I need to just chill. I need a bit of Zen.

It’s ok. I’ll figure this out. And if I’m hurt. I’m hurt. But if I deny this… then I will never know.

Ok.

Growth. Thriving.

It’s hard but I think it’s right. I know I am overthinking and I know it is because I am afraid.  I don’t trust my own judgement.  My alarm bells are not going off.  I am just plain scared.

Obviously I need to chill.  Stop thinking.

It is amazing where life takes you.

One day something horrid happens. You think you will never recover Life as you know it has ended. You don’t know where to go.

Time passes. You get on with life. You pull yourself out of bed every day. One day you realize you are just getting out of bed. For the past week. Just getting out of bed. Not pulling yourself out. This doesn’t happen overnight. It can take weeks or months.

More time passes. You realize you have not cried in a while. You no longer feel devastated when you think about the something horrid and break down every time.

Then you go up and down. As you take the curves life throws at you. As you discover new and good things about yourself. You slowly heal. You smile more. You laugh more. You cry less. You spend more time with friends and less time in bed.

More time passes. You find you are more healed than shattered. You find joy in things routinely. You can talk freely about the horrid thing (mostly) without pain. You look back and see the path you have taken and know that you would not be who you are if you had not been in that path.

You heal. There are scars. They occasionally itch. Maybe break open a bit now and again. But mostly you heal.

I feel this is where I am. Mostly healed. I’m good with my path. I’m good with my people. I rarely cry. I infrequently feel lonely. I’m comfortable with myself; in my own skin. I can say I am happier now than I had been in many years. I forgot how this felt. I know there are still going to be ups and downs. But if I can remember who I am. What I need to do to be myself. I will get through the downs.

I’m thankful for this past year. I regret losing myself in the first place but if I hadn’t I wouldn’t be here now. And I am here. I am present. I am content to see where life leads me.

I am alive.

JJF spent the night last eve. She is a good woman and a good friend. Met her thru 15. And we hit it off.

It was nice to cuddle up and just relax with another woman for a change. I miss that.

Looking forward to seeing what my day brings. But first… breakfast.