Honesty can be a double-edged-sword.

Even so, it is important.

Had an honest conversation last night.  No anger or resentment or heat.  Just honest.

It was difficult but had to be done.  Now I wait and see what falls from the tree.

This is the part I hate.

Be who you want to be.

Express yourself.

Allow for mistakes.

Find your true North.

Allow for mistakes.

Don’t think too hard.

Be not afraid.

Breathe.

These are all very trite expressions. But they are also true.

Trite doesn’t mean wrong.

Enjoy life.

Find the joy/love in life.

Be yourself. Whoever that may be.

Lord knows I’m trying.

Feeling a bit melancholy this eve.

It’s not bad. Not a bad head space. Just melancholy.

Went to see my AP after work. AP is a 94 year old woman who is amazing. Is/was. Hard to say. Bits of both.

Always said I wanted to be AP when I grew up.

She is feisty. Obnoxious. Was furiously independent.

Now she is in a nursing home. She recognized my face but couldn’t remember my name or ever figure out exactly who I was.

We still had a lovely visit.

She had been declining in the past couple years. It has been sad to see.

But when she didn’t place my name. It reminded me of the first time my Dad didn’t recognize me.

I didn’t really get sad. Just melancholy.

She was such a strong woman. So fierce.

She is now so very small. Can barely walk. Cannot remember who I am precisely.

Funny story: AP told me she needs to find a man to marry because she really misses “it”. Yup! I get that! Don’t think I’ll tell my Cousin about that. LOL.

I miss my dad. I miss who AP used to be.

I hope I don’t get there.

Not to be morbid. But I hope I never become (by nature) a shell of who I was. To know that my family would find me a burden. That I might not remember who they are.

AP is/was a wonderful woman. I still want to be her when I grow up.

Went to Toledo Pride parade and celebrations. It was so much fun.

We know a number of the 🏳️‍🌈 LGBTQ people who were marching in it. It was fun to see them and be seen by them as well.

One of the Drag Queens (M) is a personal favorite of mine. We met a couple months ago and kinda bonded a bit. One night she told me that I am her spirit animal. That made me laugh but it was also flattering.

When I saw her float go by I kinda sprinted out and ran up. She gave me a giant smile and a big fat kiss. And then I got sprayed by a soap bubble gun.

Went back home, chilled, showered and rested (I think we spent a good 5 hours at the festival). Then headed out to a local drag haunt. Watched a couple more of our friends perform. Met new people. Danced a lot. Poured JJF into the car, drove a friend home then came back and collapsed sometime around 2.

We all agree that yesterday was a bit of an epic adventure day.

On a personal note… Celebrated Pride in my own way as well. Had a bit of a “hang up” breakthrough. And I cannot express how happy I am about that.

Sunday is winding down and we will be headed home soon. It has been a good weekend.

Go Pride!

At Toledo Speedway tonight.

With 15 an JJF.

Having a great time and suddenly 15s family is all here and my anxiety fukking sky-rockets.

WTF. Cause I’m not ready to meet family.

I keep trying to put JJF forward. Like. That’s the girlfriend.

Scared the fuk out of me.

I obviously need an attitude adjustment

——————–/

Flash forward. I see I didn’t hit post. So I feel the need to update a bit.

Woke this morning to two kind but pointed lectures from 15 and JJF.

Long and short is:

1. I don’t give 15 or JJF enough credit.

2. I don’t give myself enough credit.

3. Please stop overthinking everything. Be happy.

So OK. I hear. And I get it.

It starts with breathing.

Breathe.

My brain is annoying. I hate it when I can’t turn it off or redirect it down a better path.

I really do try. It’s easier when I am at work. That keeps me occupied.

But when I’m home … no matter what I do to stay occupied…it just doesn’t seem to work.

It’s annoying.

So I write down stupid stuff to, at least, get it out. It does help.

One of the things I dislike about the whole mess is that it makes me feel like I don’t have my shit together.

I know better. But it still makes me feel that way.

Within 3 months I should be moved into a new home. Have all my bills paid off. Be closer to work. And maybe have a bit more piece of mind. Here’s hoping on all counts.

So my brain is annoying. I’ll get over, under or used to it.

I think it’s hard, right now, because for so long I didn’t listen to it at all. And I got out of practice trying to deal with it. I dunno for sure. But I think that may be part of it.

So… practice dealing with the dark. And move into the light.

But it’s still annoying!

Real shoes one can deal with.

Emotional shoes stink.

Just the right thing to set off my brain.

Make me worry and obsess.

There are times I wish I could simply turn off my brain. My feelings.

Tonight is one of those nights.

Oh I’ll be fine in a day or two.

But for now … it sucks.

Bah. I’m fine.

Tomorrow is Friday and I’ll have stuff to do.

I’m fine.

Just get thru tonight and I’m fine.

So this week, post divorce, feels too easy.

YES…I am overthinking things.  I just feel like I have been on such a roller coaster this past year…and the week leading up to court was a mental mess.  So it is all calm and I am THRILLED it is…I just feel like I am waiting for another shoe to drop.

I will not go looking for that shoe.

I will accept the joy and peace I am finding right now.  Ups and downs happen and will happen again.

It just feels odd…strange.

OK, so it feels odd/strange.  I think I’ll have to learn to go with it.

Ex (now officially and forever to be known as EX: no more DH or EE) is doing well.  Well, OK he probably has a kidney infection and has been chewing my ear off for 2 days about what to do. But this is OK.  I don’t mind helping him.

I’m happy with my social life.  I do wish I had more time in the week to see my friends.  I have never had so many times that I could do 2 or 3 things in one weekend and sometimes I just have to … say no.  But I try to get around and see everyone.

Work is… work.  That’s how it goes.  Busy most days, slow some. Next week will be a pip because my work-wife is on vacation but hell…that happens and I get the opportunity for OT.

And yes, I have some testing to get done but I refuse to obsess. I’ll be fine.

So … no shoe … and I will enjoy this.

Ok…so we SHOULD leave home.  We need to grow and become … the people we are meant to be … but sometimes it is a BIT far!

My niece is in Alabama.  I am in Michigan.  It is a 12 hour drive (at least depending on weather and traffic).

She is having a difficult time and she sent me a text last night.  We exchanged words.  I am frustrated.  I know (ok I really do know) that she needs to be able to learn to handle things on her own.  Figure out what works for her. I do NOT mean “sink or swim” I simply mean work through it WITH some support.  Support of friends, family and maybe a professional.

But I hate that she is so far away and I can’t just jump in the car, drive a couple hours, give her a hug and a cuddle and then come home.

I know, I am not responsible for making everything OK for her, but it is not in my nature to just do nothing.  Yet, I know, there is not much I can do.

I swear I just wanted to call into work today, drive down that 12 hours, give her that hug and then drive back.

But I couldn’t.  I had to be responsible.  It is NOT OK … ok, it is… but you know what I mean.

I love ya darlin … and yes, if you need me to, I’ll jump in the car and drive down to hug you and then drive back.

As y’all are aware. I’m now divorced.

And I have spent the weekend in a bit of a bubble.

Yes we left the house. We went to a Detroit Tigers baseball game Saturday eve.

But all in all I feel like it was a bubble.

And now it is time to leave the bubble. Venture out into the world again

I’m kinda excited to do this.

I know that I’m not a new or different person. But circumstances are different now.

It’s a bit exciting and not a little bit terrifying. But I know it will all work out ok.

So welcome August 12th

Let’s see what happens now. It’s a new chapter.