Everyone Needs…

A dirty video chat now and again.

Let me clarify.

I am in a private chat room my my two friends.  I have been having some increasingly difficult work-days due to … just too much work and not enuff people.

Yesterday almost had me in tears by 10 AM.  Today, I had (quite honestly) run the length of the hospital 4 times by 10 AM and climbed 15 flights of stairs.  Putting out fires.  My deodorant quit about 10:01 AM.

So I sent a peaceful video of a “meditation circle” that I rarely visit to my friends yesterday. (I never ever go on break but yesterday I did I had such a headache) I joked I was sitting in the middle of a crop circle.  In turn they sent quick vids from work.  It was nice and broke up the day a bit, helped me smile and relax.  I was lulled into a sense of complacency.  The second video 15 sent to us was a LOT less … benign.  Due to the no-big-deal of the FIRST video I started it in my OFFICE with my work wife sitting there.  Now, it was not visually an issue…it was the voice he used and subsequent suggestions.  I almost broke my phone trying to turn it off.  I did drop it.  Work wife, who knows me well, just gave me odd looks and told me to talk to my boyfriend where she doesn’t have to hear.  “Bad enough I have to look at that thing on your neck”  Yes, I have a small hickey…I had forgotten about.

So moving onto today.  Again I am having quite the day.  At one point I sent the message “I should just answer the phone: Hello, my name is Ruth and I’ll be your bitch today, how may I help you?”  Just a bit of venting on my part.

Well I got another vid chat from 15.  This time my Work Wife has the day off so no big deal.  But he had me laughing SO HARD I almost peed my pants and one of my otehr coworkers came into the office to find out if I was OK or not.

Now…I do not suggest you should sext and play all day long at work.  As a matter of a fact, do NOT ever sext me. I find it insipid.  BUT…I do suggest that one way, to make someone’s day just a BIT brighter…when they are stressed… Is send them a quick, funny, sexy video and USE your WORDS! Both days it DID make a difference in my attitude.  It made me LAUGH..full fukking belly LAUGH!  That … right there … is worth it.

OK … Maybe a bit harsh

Did that blog about my brother.

And I was a bit…in my head…and about this I should have taken a step back.

My brother actually doesn’t make me feel stupid.  I make myself feel stupid when he tries to offer advice and ask the questions he feels I may not be asking myself.

It is a bit frustrating because I feel like he is criticizing but really, he isn’t and my own personal bias comes into play.  And I get defensive.

I’ve been frustrated w/a couple things my EX has been doing and so … I took what my brother was saying to me…too harshly.

Fortunately it isn’t like I took it out on my Brother.  Unfortunately I took it out on myself.

It’s OK now though.  I get it and I’ll get right with it and me.

 

 

Must learn

I must learn to trust myself.

I must learn to trust those around me.

I must learn to allow myself to love.

I must allow myself to be open to feeling … anything.

I must learn to allow others to love me.

I must learn to stop running…moving so fast life won’t catch me. It will and I won’t be prepared.

All these things I must learn. And I will. I can.

I hope.

Sex in the City

I think this series, and subsequent movie (NOT The second one) has potentially ruined relationships for women.

I’m Netflixing tonight.

Every man is really hot. Even the jerks have redeemable and overlook-able bad qualities. Sex is always amazing … and when it isn’t… it is repairable. Clothes are always amazing. And we are always searching for love. Happy endings always happen.

Now don’t get me wrong. I love the show. It is iconic. But it set us up.

Every person isn’t “hot”. There are some decidedly un-hot people out there.

There are absolutely unredeemable qualities. And there are actions you should never overlook.

Sex is not always amazing and sometimes it is not able to be fixed.

Ok… clothes can be amazing and living ones own personal style is wonderful. But clothes are expensive and ya can’t always find stuff you like. And then there are the days that you actually consider going to 7-11 in your PJs.

Yes many women are searching for love. But maybe they shouldn’t be. I know I don’t want to be. I want to be searching for self-love. Not love of someone else for me. That word still gives me hives.

Happy endings are not guaranteed. Period.

My favorite character is Samantha. Not because she gets sex all the time but because, of all the women she is the one that knows exactly what she wants and goes after it. Boldly. Passionately. Fiercely. Her self-worth is based on her. Not on someone else. She isn’t lonely because she is alone. She finds ways to enjoy herself.

Samantha has her flaws. And I like that too. She is vain and materialistic. But she owns that too.

Just a little pop psychology for a Sunday night.

It’s 3 AM

Well here we are again. Me and 3 AM.

Kinda get tired of meeting this way.

Too much rattling around my brain for me to sleep.

It’s not bad thoughts. Just thoughts.

Some are lonely thoughts. Some are pleasant thoughts. Some are stupid thoughts. Some thoughts are silly.

Some thoughts are harsh and a bit … vindictive.

Had dinner with an old friend who just wanted to check up on me. Make sure I was ok. He was kind. He also filled me in on my EX.

What he told me made me sad for my EX. Made me glad for me. Glad I’m no longer in that marriage and stuck.

Of course now I’m stuck in a different life. But I have the opportunity to make what I want out of the rest of my life. No mater what that may be.

Wonder what will happen.

We shall see.

Balance?

I’m afraid. Afraid of the future. What it will bring. What it won’t bring.

Afraid of being alone and afraid of being in a relationship. Afraid I will settle… for either.

I know that fear can paralyze. I have been there. I let that happen before. I won’t let that happen again.

I have been … frenetic… in moving and not letting my brain and fears stop me. But that frenetic activity can also be a trap.

Go so fast nothing can catch me.

There is a balance somewhere. I know. I need to find it but I cannot quite see the pathway. Things are flying too fast past my face.

I imagine time will mellow me. And yet I fear that as well. That I’ll become complacent again. Complacency has been my default for so long.

Times like this I wish I could just check out of life for a bit. Just exist. Let life flow by and observe without participating or feeling. Then slowly ease my way back in.

But I can’t. I know this. Too much to do. Too many obligations. Hell … just the basics: work, bills … keep me involved.

I really do need to find the balance between complacency and frenetic actions.

I am not sure how or if I will allow it.

Weekend

Had a lovely time camping with JJF

So relaxing.

Kinda irritating at times because I had all my camping gear organized before. But EX has it all.

Ahh well. It’s ok. New chapter and all.

Was fun cooking on the fire. Makeshift.

Gonna do that again.

Kinda proud of myself

Was at the desk this week, bullshitting with a couple friends, while another conversation was going on.

The conversation was about some 32 year old woman who was dating a 12 or 13 year old boy.  One of my coworkers made a point to turn to me and ask what I thought.

I told her (and anyone who would wish to listen at the desk) that I think it is criminal.  I don’t understand why anyone would do that and the boy does not have the coping skills or mental capability to make decisions like that at that age. Criminal.

She then went on and (still looking right at me) said something about how she doesn’t understand people who date others who are significantly younger than they are.  The age gap is unreasonable.

I was a bit irked because she had made a point to comment about my dating in the past. She isn’t a good friend, she simply has overheard me talking … she overheard me because I am very open about my life and I don’t (mostly and most of the time) really care who knows whatever.

Well I just looked her right in the eye and said, “Well, I am dating two people who are almost 20 years younger than I am and I find it very enjoyable.”  I then turned and walked off.  I didn’t wait for a response.  My tone was very conversational. I didn’t flounce off.

I was proud of myself.  I stuck up for myself without being a horrid witchy woman. And when I said, what I said, I felt absolutely no embarrassment.

Baby steps, baby!