I have been having nightmares. For weeks. I cannot remember them. But I wake up afraid and shaking.

15 and JJF were worried because they saw bruises on my shoulders and upper arms. They thought someone was hurting me … until they saw that I was hurting myself in my sleep.

I have finger mark bruises and scratches on my shoulders and upper arms. From my nightmares.

Today … a 20 minute nap … I suddenly got it.

Failure.

I awoke knowing I was a failure in so many aspects of my life. Or … I FEEL a failure.

Two children I chose not to have out of fear. Not my fear. My Ex’s fear. 23 year marriage I failed. 30+ year relationship I failed at. I failed by staying. I failed by leaving.

All this perceived failure is slowly trying to tear me to pieces.

My choices, in the past, cannot be changed!!! They are what they are.

Do I regret my choices? Sometimes I do. But at this time I cannot do anything about them. They are what they are.

I need to move on. I need to accept my past and move onto my future. Alone or not. It is my future. I can make of it what I wish.

I may never get what I WANT. But I can still be happy.

This may sound simplistic. But it’s a bit of a revelation for me.

All in a 20 minute nap.

I’m sure I’ll still suffer through some nightmares. I’ll still bear some obvious bruises. I’ll still have the less obvious scars. But … I’ll be ok. I will make it through and I will survive this. I will thrive.

So I got to work today. Early. I had warning.

My bad.

My work world is all topsy-turvy

I lost three docs who were perfectly trained. No… not like dogs … I was trained too.

I now have two of the most – in demand – docs on the list. Cause I do my job … and I do it well. Fuk me. Admittedly FM and I go way back and we Work very well together. But HO is a handful!!! Nice man … very high maintenance.

I want to be the person who is taken care of. Ahhh guess that’s in my next life???

Oh who the fuk am I kidding? Even in this life I struggle to let anyone take care of me. I dislike my own perceived weakness. Yes … perceived … because I would help any other, no judgements, in my place and never think them weak. 🙄

And here is the twisted part (true nurses have a bit of a masochist streak): amidst all the chaos and horrid-ness … I’m honored that my work is so desired. That is embarrassing. I should just be fukking pissed … not strangely flattered.

Well staring another day. And true to form … I’m better this morning. Had almost 24 hours to process so … calmer.

I need hugs. Just long, strong hugs. The kind that make you uncomfortable until you give in and just sink into them.

I don’t feel I am a worthy person. I know dam well this is in my head. But sometime I just cannot convince myself it’s true.

Today … I felt panic and despair.

and yet. Amidst that I am welcomed home with open arms and acceptance.

Last night I spoke with N1. I told her, for the first time, about 15 and JJF. She just said “And…”. She accepted me.

I showed up on 15’s door. Broken. Crying. Afraid. JJF and 15 just accepted me. Just held me.

I have others …. out there … just accept me.

I thank the Universe for everyone who just accepts and loves me. Regardless of who I was to them … I’m ok with them now.

Thank you

So I’m cleaning out my closet at the Ex’s.

No one is here. So no pressure or anything

This is hard though. Harder than I thought it would be.

As I do this I’m having an anxiety attack. Can’t stop shaking.

I’ll be ok. I’ll just push through. Get done what I came to do. But dam. Making me upset.

So as we all know I am now divorced.  Ex and I did it on our own.  We didn’t really have any difficulty and it just was a HELLA lot cheaper this way.

Now…here is something I have learned.  We agreed, in the paperwork, that Ex would sell the house.  That is what he was gonna do, at first, but then changed hi mind.  Because we came to an agreement over what he would give me … we never changed the paperwork.  We never changed it because we trust each other in this and know that we won’t fuk with the other person’s money.

Well…WE won’t… but the fukking mortgage company will!

Because it says Ex will SELL the house they are balking at refinancing it…to get me off the deed and stuff.

So NOW I am trying to simply consult a lawyer and see what is recommended.

I may have to addend the divorce papers, get more signatures and shit… and wait a few more weeks.

If I do I do.

I swear, who-da thunk?  OK, a lawyer mighta thunk… but that thunk woulda been hella expensive!

Have you ever been in a position that you can do nothing to save themselves from their choices????

It sucks.

Baby. Honey. This is not about you.

It’s something completely different.

Watching someone punish themselves. Now. Because of who they were. And they feel they deserve it.

It’s terrible.

And again. Nothing I can do but be there to pick up the pieces.

And I feel like an asshole.

Hating this. R

I hate watching my friends and family … my family really because i consider so many of my friends family … in pain.

It isn’t my pain and all I can do is watch. Be there when possible. Sometimes it is only possible to be the sounding board.

It is a challenge for me because I want to fix it. Heal it. I cannot. There are struggles people must go thru … without someone fixing them.

I get stressed about not being able to fix things but I know I shouldn’t. Life needs to play out. People need to deal with things the way they are able to.

Sometimes I need to back off. Just listen. Just be there. Not fix.

I’m trying. It’s hard. But I try.

Got distressing news about a person near and dear. Disturbing in that I can do nothing but listen.

She is a wonderful, lovely, amazing person

She is going through a very difficult time.

I cannot be there. She is hours away. She said don’t come. So I won’t.

But I hope I made it crystal clear I’ll drop everything to help. Everything.

I love this person. She is the greatest.

In the midst of all this I feel helpless And truth be told I am. I cannot fix this. I cannot even think how I can help.

I will be there when she calls. I will listen and support. I am not sure how much any of that will help. But it’s all I can do.

My whole being will send her love and care through the ether and hope it is enough.

I love you baby.

One day I’m great.

Next day I’m not.

I’m kinda sick and tired of this back and forth dance I do.  And I cannot always tell why I get upset.

I do know that I try, very hard, to readjust my attitude at those times.  But sometimes it is just impossible.

When I wake in the morning I generally (aside from feeling tired and irked I must start the day) am in a very fine mood.  And I can maintain that.

But then…about every 4 or 5 days… by the end of the day… I spend the night crying.  Self indulgent crap is what I call it.  But can’t seem to stop.

It is just frustrating.  I should have a stronger will than this.  Stupid back and forth dance.

OK, this will sound like a whine… and I guess it is.  But I shouldn’t be whining.  I know

I am down to where I am very happy with my weight.  I fluctuate between 250-255 pounds.  I am happy with that weight.  I can climb 7-9 flights of stairs at one time.  I can run to my car (ok, JOG) but at a fast pace.  I can keep up with everyone I know and not be out of breath or have to stop because I am out of shape.  I am happy about all of this.

BUTTTT…I have no BUTT!  Yes, I know.  That should make me happy.  It doesn’t.  I have freaking rhinoceros thighs.  My hips are actually a comfy size 18 and can fit nicely into 16 (BECAUSE I HAVE NO BUTT) but my thighs are 18+ and lumpy and saggy.  UGGGH.

I sound like I am not happy with the hard work and such I have put into this past year.  I AM happy with it.

I just wish (I know…if wishes were assholes) I were a bit smoother and less lumpy.

OK, whine off….

I AM happy…just wishful.