I feel good.

I feel bad.

Very frustrating!

I miss my dad tonight.

He has been on my mind for a couple weeks.

I wonder what he would think of me.

What would he see when he looked at me? Truly looked.

Would he be proud of me?

Would he be disappointed?

Would he wish I had stayed in my marriage? Would he wish I had stuck it out?

Would he be happy I finally stood up for myself?

Would he think I’m a tramp? That I am in a very unconventional relationship with two people …

Would he just be happy that I’m happy?

I really don’t know. I wish I did. I wish I could talk to him. Even if all the bad things I wonder were true. I wish …

I miss my dad. I miss his hugs and I miss his comfort.

It’s been a long time since I’ve cried about him being gone from this world … from my life. But tonight I am crying.

He was not only my dad but also my friend.

I’m afraid I probably would be a disappointment to him. A disappointment because I am sometimes so frightened. He wanted me to be a strong person … and I feel nothing like that.

I am enough … I know this. But I hate that I must keep saying it. To make myself believe it.

Dad… I wish I could hear you and talk with you. I wish I had your counsel.

Oh Dad … I wish…

I miss you!

I’m generally kind of careful of the pics I post on Facebook.

Angled just right.

Don’t show the kankles.

Eliminate the double chin.

My friends don’t quite do that.

I am tagged in pics. Pics I would never have posted. Pics that make me look (IMHO) old or fat. Double chin and all.

I see them. I appreciate the tag. But I still feel ugly.

I still feel old. Like I look old.

I don’t like it.

I am full of anxiety today.

I’m making an offer on a house that … upon entering … felt like home.

The whole dam house.

Felt like home.

So now I wait.

Comps pulled.

Offer in.

I think I hate this.

So … I’ve been with 15 for over 6 months. JJF joined us in July.

JJF is currently staying with 15 until she saves money for an apartment

He gave her a key, naturally, since she is staying there.

Last night I land at 15s. I’ll be here all weekend and would prefer to just come back here instead of waiting for them to get off work. So I asked to borrow the key.

15 presented me with my own key to his house. Unmmmm

I didn’t ask for that.

Was not hunting at that. Just wanted to borrow the key to come and go TODAY!

I’m honored.

I’m scared

This is more.

I don’t know if I should keep this.

It’s a lot of responsibility (in my mind)

I am Overthinking this. I know.

I was not prepared

I

Trying to process this.

About 6 months ago I had a very unsettling fright. I had to have a breast biopsy and was frightened I had cancer.

It was not cancer. It was a cyst that was actually caused by my previous breast reduction. Some surface skin cells ended up inside my breast. The cells didn’t die so they kept doing their cellular thing… but in a pocket. So a cyst developed.

I went back today for the repeat mammogram… it’s back. And bigger. And this time when they did the ultrasound … it hurt.

So now I need to go see a surgeon because they want to officially remove the cyst. They said that (A) just in case and (B) since it came back again and bigger and it does hurt … it’s just gonna get worse.

Now I’m not the least worried about cancer. Truly. But I’m a bit anxious about surgery. Not horrid anxious. Just a bit.

Then there is the irksome fact I have to beg someone to drive me. And I know that I don’t really have to beg. I have friends who will help. But it pisses me off. I don’t often miss being marries … but in this type of instance … I do.

If I had a procedure then the EX was there … always. I could count on that.

I can count on my friends. I already have a couple of people on alert that I’ll need help and they responded with their typical aplomb.

But it still makes me feel crappy.

It’s ok. I’ll take the help while resentful of their courtesy. The same courtesy I would gladly extend.

Sometime I’m just a mess. In my own brain.

I found a house I really like

I made an offer.

I was counter offered.

I accepted.

Today I had the inspection.

Ok. So the roof needs repairing -or – replacing.

But the basement. Not in good shape. Water issues.

The bathroom needs a whole new floor. I didn’t expect that.

Kinda bummed.

Probably not going to be able to get it. Likely not a smart move.

I’ll get over it. But dam I like that house.

It’s been a very stressful week. Most of it family and financial stress.

Gonna chat about the finance stuff.

On Thursday I had to put 2K down as “Ernest money”. When I heard that I thought “But I earnestly don’t have the money “.

So I deposited a certified check. I was under the impression that a certificate check was instantly golden. I was wrong. Takes 1 to 5 days to clear.

I needed 2K that day.

I had about 1400 of the money.

I asked my brother and he Zelled me 1K. God bless him.

Then I tried to wire it by my account. For some reasons (even the tech experts couldn’t figure out) it wouldn’t work.

I had to go BACK to the bank and do again.

Took over 5 hours away from work. About killed me.

On a scale of 1 to 10 my stress level was a 55!!!!

Thank goodness for my brother.

Got the earnest money deposited.

Paid him back today.

Life is good.

I feel responsible for the world. Why … I can’t answer.

My brothers kids are having some difficult times. And, hence, my brother is having a tough time too.

He and I are not super close but we are close enough. We live vastly different lives and our approaches are different too.

He is a former Marine. Let’s start there. He barks out orders like a pro. Everything is very straight forward and blunt. With his kids he is a pussycat.

I spent the day comforting, counseling, interpreting. It’s what I do.

I counseled my brother on his kid’s illnesses.

I counseled and comforted my sister-in-law on her kid’s illnesses.

I talked to one of my docs on the phone … confirming what I had already said.

I’ll show test results to that same doc on Monday and get his counsel. And pass it on.

I comforted my niece and told her to express herself as I held in my tears and fears so I wouldn’t put them on her and make her feel bad.

I comforted and counseled my nephew as he teared up … and held in my emotions so he wouldn’t see my fear.

I’m told I’m not responsible for the world. I’m not responsible for others. But this has always been my job. Taking care of my people … my family. It’s actually something I do well.

But it is exhausting. Emotionally draining.

I didn’t cry all day until on the way home. Then I lost it.

Now I need comfort and I’m alone in my room. Oh … I talked to a couple friends. Even spoke with my EX. But at the end of the day I’m still in an empty and cold bed.

I’ll be with my Thrupple tomorrow. And I’ll again put on a brave face because I’m tired of feeling like a broken doll. But all I’ll want , really, is comfort. And I can’t ask.

I’m not responsible for all this. I can’t fix any of this. And it’s killing me.

So …

It’s one of those days. Those work days.

Work is shite. Super shite.

It’s ok … I’ll deal.

It’s just hard. Adjusting again.

I know that’s not a ton of info … and I’m not being deliberately obtuse.

I’m just frustrated.