Just posted how I felt on Facebook. How I felt being isolated.

The response, via messager, was almost overwhelming. I think people thought I was about to jump off a bridge.

I was not.

It do not want to jump off a bridge. I’m so very not suicidal. I am just feeling alone.

It’s OK. Just trying to express how I feel… that’s all.

Love my life.

Not to sound like an alarmist or conspiracy theorist … but with all that is going on I feel like we are living in an Orwellian novel.

Please understand… this is how I feel. I don’t believe it in the front of my brain. It’s just how it feels.

And it’s really only been two weeks-ish.

It is overwhelming at times.

I’m less concerned about my personal health … more about my friends and family.

I’m also concerned about the long-term effects of these upcoming months.

I am most certain many good things will come.

I am also most certain some bad things are on their way.

Won’t know for a while …

Ok I completely understand this concept. I agree with this practice. Let us try to flatten this COVID 19 curve.

That said….

For those of us who live alone it only increases our sense of isolation.

This is not a good sensation.

I listen to NPR a lot and an expert was extolling the virtues of this practice. And how you don’t need to socially distance yourself from those you live with … ummmm.

Living alone here.

I rely on touch, small though it may be, at work … to get me through.

Now we aren’t supposed to touch, hug … toe touches and elbow bumps are not a good substitute.

Again I say : I get it. I agree.

But this is gonna be a very hard few months for some of us who live alone and need the same comfort, of touch, others receive from their families.

Went out to the bar last night. Had a good time.

Went outside to grab a smoke and found an interesting perspective on reflections in glass.

Walked over to a corner to get out of the wind and a couple other women were in the same corner.

One of the women said “Hey!” Then did a double take looking at my reflection in a tall window and then finding me in person.

She laughed and said “I thought you were inside smoking and I wondered how come you could do that and I couldn’t”. She then commented she realized it was my reflection she saw.

I chuckled, thinking, ya I’m invisible. And I said as much.

She turned the tables though…

“No, you shine so bright I thought your reflection was real”.

I mean. Ok flattery and all but… it sure made me think.

Stop thinking of the lowest denominator.

Sometimes I do shine.

Surrender to what is

Let go of what was

Have faith in what will be

I have a fanciful side. I don’t let it out in public often. But it’s always there … just under the uppermost layer of adulthood.

I do believe in fairies.

I wish I could be a mermaid.

I want to be a kick-ass princess.

I want to be a bad-ass villainess.

I wish on stars.

I miss my religious faith of my youth.

I sometimes even feel pretty

When I think of my current faith… I call out to the Universe … and I imagine it is listening.

I wish this side came out more often … but then adulthood takes over.

But I let it out to play now and again. I should do it more often.

Anyone ever seen that Amy Schumer movie “I Feel Pretty”?

I feel like that is my personality. Some days I feel amazing and empowered and beautiful.

Some days I feel like a total schlump.

Anyone else feel that way?

I imagine y’all do. Cause I just can’t be the only one.

What’s with that shit anyway???

I hate this feeling. That feeling. And I don’t understand, most of the time, why I feel good OR bad about myself.

What happened when I awoke and looked in the mirror and saw am amazing wonderful woman? What happened when I look in that same mirror later, another day, and saw a wreck?

Hormones?

What?

It’s frustrating. Angering.

Wish I understood.

As a nurse I get a lot of letters. Good letter. Thank you letters. Hate you letters.

One of my docs got a letter today. Wasn’t intended for me … but all letters stop at my desk.

She was asking my doc to look into an event that happened … changed her family’s life … and not in a good way.

She didn’t want retribution.

She didn’t want money.

She just wanted, what happened to her husband, to never happen to anyone else again.

Her writing was simple and eloquent.

It broke my heart.

I’m still tearful.

I want to bash some heads.

I can’t.

I got the letter to where it needed to go.

I did my job. I doesn’t feel like enough.

I didn’t realize what Cyrano represented to me.

Memories.

Memories of my marriage. He was part of our lives for over half of our marriage.

My dad came over every dam dam I worked for 6 months. To let him out and to train him.

The day he jumped into my parent’s F-150 thru the window. Scared the shot outta mom. Lol

When I was so sick … and he would not even go outside …

When anyone with a HAT came over.

Cyrano represented so many memories.

And now he is gone.

It’s ok. It’s what happens.

But I grieve. And it’s ok.

Thank you for being on my life Cyrano.

For being my dog. My friend.

I’ll see you later. One day.

Love you.

440 pm

Going to the vet tomorrow.

It’s time.

My Ex and I are putting our eldest dog, Cyrano, down tomorrow.

He would be 16 years old around Mothers Day. That’s when we got him … 16 years ago. Just an adorable little puppy…. so sweet. So spoiled!!!

Two days before I walked into a pet store … I had never been there and haven’t been there since

It was fate.

I saw these young girls and their mother … a litter of 5 female pups and one male … I knew he was mine the moment I saw him. I knew his name … Cyrano.

When I was sick he wouldn’t leave my side.

When many visitors would come over he would bark at them and sit on my head! Ever had a 55 pound anything sit on your head????

He has lost almost 20 pounds.

It is time. I know this. My ex knows this.

It does NOT make it any easier.

By this time tomorrow, Cyrano will only be a memory. A memory I’ll hold in my heart forever.

When my Ex and I split the biggest thing I regret is that I could not bring him with me. And he was angry at me. For abandoning him. He wouldn’t talk to me for months.

This lovely dog I adored. He ignored me. That hurt more than you can know.

He talks to me now … but is reserved. And tomorrow he goes away forever.

I know this is a very selfish way of seeing things. I get it. But I cannot help it.

Cyrano … I’m sorry I left. I’m sorry it is your time to go.

I love you. I always will.

I’ll be the adult tomorrow… but tonight … alone … I can’t.

Tomorrow I’ll hold you and love you and let you go … as I know is right.

But tonight I’ll cry … I’ll wallow. Tonight I’ll grieve.

Tomorrow I’ll be strong and just be there for you.

Tonight i remember.

It is the circle of life. I get that. Intellectually I really do.

But my heart breaks anyway. I’ll miss you.

I love you Cyrano. Always will.