Couple of things giving me a bit of a stomach ache this morning.

Have a party today and I had invited 15. He initially said yes but then cancelled this morning, politely. I feel like this is a test from the universe. As I said earlier this week. Someone cancelling or declining an invitation is on them. It isn’t a rejection of me. And I do believe that. It does NOT mean I don’t feel some anxiety over it. But I do accept it and will just work to find peace in my brain. Not easy but it’s ok.

Have dropped by to see my mom. She isn’t answering the door or the phone. Now… I do mean dropped by. I didn’t give her warning. She isn’t expecting me. But that’s how I needed to do this… for me. I’m not upset she isn’t answering: In the sense of disappointment in her. I do wish I had been able to see her. Currently sitting outside the building and giving it a bit of time. I’ll try again in a short bit. But if she doesn’t answer after that then I’ll go home.

I suppose today is just going to be a day to get thru. Lessons to learn in my life and working thru personal ( but certainly not devastating disappointment) These are things to understand and not to over react to.

On the plus side…it’s another beautiful day and I didn’t wake up dead! So all in all…winning.

Edit: mom called. Told her I had stopped by. Short conversation. I’ll try again. Later in the day though.

Sitting at the party. Alone in a roomful of friends. Smiling face on. Ahhh well. That’s me.

I wonder about my moods.

Why, one day, can I feel fantabulous … for no good reason. The next I feel blue … for no good reason.

It’s kinda frustrating.

I understand when something helps to create a mood … good or bad. And I can work with that.

But when it is just upon me … and I can find no rhyme or reason. Again… frustrating.

I like to understand (especially the blue times) so I can work thru them and put them behind me. But sometimes I just cannot.

It’s not new. And I always get thru it. Now a days I don’t let it stop me from doing anything … in the past I used to … But I know better now. Just push thru, paste on the smile … and it will get better.

And so I put on my smile. And go out tonight with old friends. And push thru.

Rain: Now, I have no control over the weather and I certainly don’t wish to be responsible for it, but could someone please fix the leaky faucet that is the sky?

We have had WAY too many rainy days!  It isn’t warm!  I’m cold.  I’m wet.  I’m sick and tired of this shite!

I am not one of those people who bitch and moan no matter what the weather, it’s too hot/cold/humid/dry/whateverthafukitis.  I really appreciate the heat of the summer when it arrives.  I think I missed it about 1.5 weeks ago…it came, it went, I was working…

Ahhhh well.  Just a bit of a whine!

 

I cannot explain why, exactly, I awoke with the following knowledge coursing through my head, hell…felt like it was coursing through my veins!

First a BIT of back-story: Had a relationship conversation last night with 15.  It was a … how to talk to each other, what had happened in the past with others, how we deal with conflict sort of conversation.  Nothing bad had happened it was just a bit of a … I GUESS I would say an evolution of our relationship … kind of … conversation.  Don’t really know how else to say it.  It was good.  We both prefer to be fairly straight forward and not play games and not lie (even to protect the other’s feelings or ego) to each other.  (That may sound like…well DUH! But… lets face it folks…many of us do-or have done-that!)

Then, before I fell asleep, I watched a little pop-psychology video detailing how, if someone leaves you surprisingly or cheats on you, it isn’t your fault.  The fault lies in the person who did that.  Aside: let us not discount that you may have contributed to a breakdown in the relationship… but that’s a topic for another day: Aside done.  The person who states they invest love/commitment/future in a relationship and then dumps their partner when they get cold feet/bored/whatever … and never explains this to their partner … that person is the one at fault.  The person who cheats is the person with the problem.

Both of these pieces of information must have coursed through my brain all night long.  And while the leaving/cheating doesn’t apply to my situation…the idea behind part of it stuck with me…

I’m still new at dating.  I feel anxious asking 15 to go anywhere with me.  My professional ego is rock solid but my personal ego is on a fault line in California, perched on a rickety 50 year old antique rattan chair that is balanced on the back of a bucking bronco.  I feel anxious asking because my brain AUTOMATICALLY says “If he says no then he really isn’t interested, doesn’t really care, found something better and you are a second had choice…” and all the horrid things like that!  And those thoughts alone stop me from asking… or make me ask hesitantly.

This morning I awoke with the absolute understanding that if I ask 15 to go with me somewhere, and he says no, it really is NOT a rejection of me or our relationship.  It is because he has previous commitments…just wants to chill…isn’t in the mood.  Anything! But it ISN’T an absolute rejection of me.  It is about him and what he is doing or his needs at that time. And that is A-OK!

Now…I know…this is something I should have understood all along…I would never think terrible things about myself if I asked one of my girlfriends somewhere and they said no.  So what’s the difference?  Why would I feel that I am at fault if he said no?  I want to say it’s because I am an idiot…but I know it isn’t that.  It is a combination of being basically uncertain of myself, not having a lot of recent experience with dating, and slowly closing myself off through the past years in my marriage.

Now…I’m not all fixed! LOL  But bit by bit I am coming to understand that I am (and will be) alright.  That through everything I am going to grow and be alright with the world.

I am sure I will still have my doubts…and that’s alright…that’s life in my brain.  But I can work to go forward and understand I will get over it and I will be OK with me.

What would have happened if I had turned right…instead of left?

Where would I be if I had ignored things instead of confronting them?  And of course…the inverse is a reasonable question as well.

What if I had decided not to say anything to DH…again…and just kinda duck and cover…for the past 11 months?  What would my life be like now? Would I have ever got my head out of the sand?  Would DH?

What would I be doing if I had decided to just close off…instead of forcing myself to be open to new possibilities?  I will say…I bet I would have got a lot more crochet done.

Would I have gone back to DH … out of a sense of loneliness and fear?  Would I have ever been able to look at myself in the mirror and NOT cringe?  I don’t cringe now.  I may have pieces and parts I’m less than thrilled with…but I don’t cringe!

Obviously…these are all rhetorical questions… but I suspect I know the answer to some of them anyway.

I suspect … had I taken a slightly easier road…I might be back with DH.  I wouldn’t have forced myself to become independent. I would have, and probably still would be, trying to live up to someone else’s ideal.  And failing miserably!

I might have found some happiness … but likely at work…and buried in my work.  Personally I suspect I would have remained unhappy and sad.

Not trying to be … pessimistic … but lets face it … likely true

I have not spoken to my mother since October 2018.  In previous posts I have commented or mentioned issues with her.

I am at a point in my life I feel I am healthier and more able to speak with her again.  I feel I can put up healthy barriers and not get dragged into the endless cycle she tries to drag me into.

Most of the people in my life urge caution and I understand that.  I don’t want to be hurt either.  I don’t want to be drawn into taking care of everything for her…again…and again…and again and then be treated like I’m a terrible person…unless in front of other people when she tells them how wonderful I am.  But alone…its a whole different abusive story.

Regardless of the history there I have felt the need to see her.  Not to unburden myself of all my resentments or issues.  Just to see her.  I cannot ever fully rekindle any kind of super-close relationship.  But I feel I must give this one last try.  I must just be able to communicate with her.

I don’t plan to tell her anything about the divorce or what is going on in my life.  I may ask a friend to go with me…just to sit in the car…NOT to go IN!  Just in case this turns out badly…and even though I am ready for that…it will still cause a lot of pain and doubt.

So this Saturday or next Saturday.  Not sure which  But I’m going to see mom.

Well it’s come around again. And Dad… words don’t express how much I miss you.

But I try to remember the good times. And the bad times because I know you weren’t perfect. None of us are.

Father’s Day is bittersweet for me. Because I had a great dad. And because he is gone.

Dad was the first adult male who just loved me as I was. Of course, as a child, he taught me and tried to mold me into a good person To guide me into becoming a good adult. But once I did become an adult he just accepted me as I was. We became friends. I told him almost everything about myself. And he just loved me. He told me about himself. And I just loved him.

I think I’ll never find that kind of acceptance, just pure love, again. Maybe that’s normal? I don’t know. As a 52 year old woman I don’t know if I can allow myself to be that open with another person ever again. But…I hope I can. This is part of what he taught me. Hope.

He taught me love comes in many forms, shapes and sizes. He taught me sacrifice is part of life. He taught me to see the person… not the label. He taught me that it’s ok to be silly. And revel in the ridiculous. He taught me to appreciate what I have and dream about what I want. He taught me all this and so much more.

Thank you dad. I still cry sometimes. I still feel melancholy. But I also smile. You were the best dad. I’ll never stop loving you.

Wow.  Finally spoke with someone and was directed how to find the date of my court date for the divorce.

August 9 at 9 AM

Ok, I have been awaiting the information about this for about 6 weeks, hence I knew it was coming.  I have not been upset about it for 6 weeks.  I have been a bit anxious because it wasn’t here yet, but I haven’t been upset.

I got the info…I lost it. Just started to cry.

Ummmmm….

I am the one that filed for divorce.

I am the one that will not put up with being in a marriage where there is little love or intimacy.

I am the one that just KNEW I deserved more…better…for myself… even if it is only me for the rest of my life.

But I lost it!  Couldn’t stop crying for about 10 minutes.

I’m … mostly … better now.  I did let DH know.  Have not yet heard from him about that.  I am sure I will tomorrow.

It is ok.  I will be OK.  I just feel the pain of lost years and wasted time and the finality to something that had potential and possibilities (or so I thought) once.

I have little time today, work is hell again and I think I am having chest pains and an anxiety attack.  I’m gonna ignore the whole dam thing.

Last weekend…nekkid camping…that was AWESOME!  For real and true.  I was solo (not in the company of any specific friend) but I had friends there.  Yes, there was probably a BIT more grab-assing that might normally occur in a … mall … but otherwise really…it was just fun!  It felt quite good to sit in the sun au’ natural.

Here is something funny tho.  I had little self-consciousness walking around the camp, pool, campsite or simply off to the bathroom with only my flip-flops on.  But on Saturday night there was a dance, 80’s themed.  I threw on jeans shorts and a shirt.  But the women I went with were adamant I wear a dress… So I was loaned one.  While I didn’t look at anyone else during the day, all nekkid and stuff, and think…Oh..I’m uncomfortable.  I don’t measure up.  The MINUTE I put on clothes…I became less confident.  I do not often wear dresses and I tend to feel very self conscious in them.  And that’s how I felt.

I don’t really need to think on it.  I just find it funny.

Ok, back to hell, this has been a small slice of heaven with my brain away for a moment.  Hell, I actually almost fell-out around 11 AM when I stood up so fast and kinda realized I had not had anything but 2 cups of coffee and 3 cups of water and maybe…just maybe… my blood sugar was a BIT low by 11 am… OK, taking care of myself … I remember.!

Yes.  That’s what I said.  Naked Camping.  Probably should have spelled it Nekkid Camping…as that is my preferred way to spell that word.

I am going Nekkid Camping this upcoming weekend.  I cannot explain why but this is on a bucket list for me.  It is straight up…camping.  That’s it.

It just one of those things I have always wanted to do ever since I heard it was not an urban legend.

Really…what else is there to say?

Hope I did enuff prep on my bum and I don’t get a burn…