I really do think I am batty.

I was up almost all night…I know I wrote last night…and it was …almost/maybe/but not really … poetic.

I just become frustrated with my brain.  I wake with something on my mind…and it circles and circles and circles…and I cannot stop the “something-train” and I’m awake.  It is never something I WANT to think about.  And I do try to change the thoughts…I try to make them into something else.  Maybe if I can find the reason behind them I can…ya know…GO BACK TO FUKKING SLEEP!!!????!!!  Nope.

How about pack them away?  Put a new, pleasant thought in my head.  Again…nope.  I find those pleasant thoughts end up morphing into … unpleasant and anxiety producing thoughts.

I want to be a happier, less tired…(lets say it again children) LESS TIRED, and whole person.  Less personal anxieties would be nice too.  And I AM better about so many.  But when I feel like I have finally put one of my anxiety-riddled-thoughts away…in it’s grave… something new pops up.

Am I the only one like this?  Are there any other people out there, who are likely mostly well adjusted…but…have these thoughts…and … crap….

I suspect so…but I don’t think they talk about it very much….

Awake again.

It’s kinda the worst.

Again.

And again.

Should be used to this by now.

Again.

It’s just not something I can quite get accustomed to.

Again.

Anyone else find music pays a big part in mood? Just ruminating this day…

If I’m in a great mood I play certain music that enhances that feeling.

Same goes for a poor mood.

I have tried to bring up my poor mood by playing my happy music… but I find it simply irksome and I have to change it.

On the other hand, if I’m in a good mood… sad music can bring me down.

I find that very frustrating.

I’m in quite a warm fuzzy mood today and I have Ella Fitzgerald Radio playing on Spotify right now. Totally fits my mood right now. And I’m reveling in it.

Too mellow-fuzzy to bring myself down today.

I say thank you universe.

Accentuate The Positive !

Friend of mine just posted a meme on Facebook about hugs, how long they should last, how good they feel and are for you as well as how many people need.

It made me think.

I believe that is what I am missing quite a lot in my daily life.

Now I’m now whining about it. I’m ruminating.

In the last years of my marriage I received less and less hugs/cuddles. I would say I also, in return, gave less and less of them. I began to be uncomfortable receiving them from anyone. I remember feeling like I needed to pull away from hugs… when all I wanted to do was sink into them.

I feel bad about that. I don’t believe it would have fixed things if I had not given up. But I can’t help but wonder. Would it have made a difference if I had not reacted to DH pulling away? What if I had paid closer attention? Might we have eventually re-connected?

As I said… I’m not upset. And I’m not thinking about DH I’m thinking about myself. And my reactions. And how I changed to fit the circumstances.

For the future: I will try to stay true to myself. I will try to remember that I am important. I will not compromise my needs and feelings for what someone else decides they need from me. I will also work to understand someone else’s needs/feelings but not compromise mine. (Semi-repetitive… I know)

I need hugs and cuddles. I will accept them. From my friends. From my … whatever. Because no matter what the source… they are good.

So I guess this rumination is more of an affirmation.

So…A couple years ago I had my first colonoscopy.  I did all I was to do but the prep didn’t QUITE clear everything to their satisfaction.  So…now …

I have not had anything solid to eat since Tuesday night around 10 PM.  It is now Thursday at 11 AM.  I am allowed to have pop-sickles and jello but there is a problem for me with those types of items.

If I eat the sugar-free ones I get very bad migraines.

If I eat the ones with sugar I get abdominal cramping and significant pain.

So…I have had WATER….and some Pedialyte … since Tuesday night.

No broth (I am sure there is a valid rationale but REALLY???? Veggie broth??? ) Probably related to the sodium…I’m guessing.

My colonoscopy is tomorrow, arrival at 0730.  One of my friends is taking me…and good god but I hope she has time to go to lunch afterwards!

I have a headache…I am VERY HUNGRY!…and I am getting CRABBY!

AND….today, at 8 AM I had to start the GI prep..while at work

YAY ME TODAY!!!

 

Some days I hate my DH/EE.

We were suppose to meet last evening, per our usual Tuesday night routine, and EE cancelled.  Now this is not a biggie but we do have a trial date 8/9/19 and we won’t be able to get together for the next 2 weeks…so, ya know…kinda need to finalize some stuff.

Sent him an email this morning just asking if he was OK and reminding him we NEED to get together in 3 weeks.

He responded about the water heater breaking…ACK! that stinks!

And then he went on about how sad he is about our marriage/relationship ending as it is.  And…some other stuff.

Now…CAN’T HE FUKKING SAY THAT IN PERSON?????  nope. Has to put in in an email…while I’m at work.  He says he hopes I am happy and “I think you are” ummmmmm

Ya, like all day I think how fukking happy I am…its a freaking vacation in my brain!

Had a lovely little breakdown. Fortunately my partner is off today so I got to fukking sob out my heart all alone.  Really…that is SO MUCH better than having someone not quite know what to do for me…cause there really isn’t much they can do.

There is already a tiny little piece of my soul that is just ever so slightly disappointed I wake up every morning…because a nice quite dyin in my sleep would be SO MUCH EASIER than living with this every fukking day.  And I know…I don’t really want to die it is just that would be a nice way out.  Don’t call social work, this isn’t a cry for help…I’m not about that…it’s just my own pain that I would like to avoid.  But I cannot. So I won’t.

And..today….avoid EE’s pain.

OK, had to get that out, and I’ll be OK.  Just need to wash my face and give myself a bit of a head slap.  Breathe.

ya…breathe….

I don’t want to be a mermaid.

It’s a fantasy.

Ladies. No way!

Be a woman. Be yourself.

Little Mermaid is a fantasy. She is not who you want to be.

Whether it is the original story or Disney’S incarnation. Don’t want to be her.

She only wanted to change to be what her prince wanted. She was a hoarder. She needed to be something else… to be someone else.

Be yourself. Tall, short, fat, thin… what-ever-the-fuk.

Be yourself. You are enuff. You are good.

Ordered Chinese last night.

Opened my cookie this morning: You will always be surrounded by love and happiness.

Hmmmm.

Ok … on initial look that is a lovely sentiment. But …

Surrounded by …

Not a part of.

Ok, yes I overthink thing and Tis likely this is one of those times. And it is ok, really.

Here’s why…

If I will always be surrounded by love and happiness then I am guessing it is going to have to be my choice to be a part of that or not. My choice.

I have said, in the past, I choose happiness.

It sounds easy. But it isn’t. My brain doesn’t tend to travel there on its own. I have to make a conscience choice. Need to focus on the possibilities. Note: not the positive… just possibilities.

So I will try. Again and again. And when I fail. I’ll pick myself up after a bit … and try again.

So I accept the fortune and I ate the cookie. And I look to possibilities.

And the sun is out and the birds are singing… and I did get out of bed again.

I want to apologize for my yesterday… but I won’t. I won’t because what I write about.. felt… experienced and expressed were all real and to apologize would somehow lessen it.

Don’t get me wrong… let’s not have a repeat of how I felt yesterday anytime soon. But sometimes ya just have to go through the hard emotionally crippling roller coasters.

I’m not a manic depressive … I just tend to feel too much. And the only place I am totally free to say what I must get out … is here. When I try to expresses to people they want to comfort and feel sorry for me. A very few listen and just try to be present… and those people are cherished but I dislike the feeling I just repeat myself. I sound like a whining child. I don’t want or need sympathy. Probably just need a good smack to the head really. So I write.

I wrote yesterday in the heat of the moment. Brought on by a cascade of well meaning and lovely people. But even before that I was having a difficult week. It builds up… even when I try not to let it. And BOOM.

So today is a new day and I know that while I’m not “fine” I will be alright. My doubts are still there but I quieted them. I do know what I’m going through is normal and everyone has hard times. My hard times are not even close to other’s hard times. As Gloria Gaynor said “I will survive”

How are you? I’m fine, thank you.

You doing ok? I’m fine, thank you.

How are you? I’m fine.

Are you doing ok? I’m fine.

I heard this 100 times today.

And while I was fine… by the end of the day I wanted to hurt someone… most likely myself.

WTF does someone expect me to say at a high school grad party?

Having a hard time. Feel like a failure. Feel so alone my insides hurt. Wish I could just die in my sleep because then I wouldn’t have to summon the courage to get out of bed every fukking day!

Yes I have good times. But at the end of the day/ night/weekend… I’m alone again with me.

So people… I’m fine. That’s all you are gonna get because I cannot stand the pain of saying how I feel.

I’m supposed to be strong. Im supposed to be right with everything. Im supposed to stand up and say “I’m great and no one can bring me down “. Wanna know who can bring me down? Me, myself & I.

So people … I’m fine. I’ll get up. I’ll go to work. I’ll be what you expect. But stop asking how I am. Cause I’m fine. That’s all I can give you.