Balance?

I’m afraid. Afraid of the future. What it will bring. What it won’t bring.

Afraid of being alone and afraid of being in a relationship. Afraid I will settle… for either.

I know that fear can paralyze. I have been there. I let that happen before. I won’t let that happen again.

I have been … frenetic… in moving and not letting my brain and fears stop me. But that frenetic activity can also be a trap.

Go so fast nothing can catch me.

There is a balance somewhere. I know. I need to find it but I cannot quite see the pathway. Things are flying too fast past my face.

I imagine time will mellow me. And yet I fear that as well. That I’ll become complacent again. Complacency has been my default for so long.

Times like this I wish I could just check out of life for a bit. Just exist. Let life flow by and observe without participating or feeling. Then slowly ease my way back in.

But I can’t. I know this. Too much to do. Too many obligations. Hell … just the basics: work, bills … keep me involved.

I really do need to find the balance between complacency and frenetic actions.

I am not sure how or if I will allow it.