Wednesday

It is just barely Wednesday. The clock has turned.

I still actually need to try to sleep before work in the morning.

I can’t sleep. Not yet.

I’m so dam needy. I can’t stop thinking. It’s frustrating.

I hurt right now.

All over.

And I want to reach out. I want to tell my people “Help me”.

But I won’t. I am … at my core … petrified.

I feel so raw. So afraid. And I hate it.

I know that I need to be open To accept help and support. But I can’t.

There is a little girl inside … of me … and she is so unwilling to put herself out there right now. I am so afraid to be vulnerable. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to survive the possibility of pain … so even though pain isn’t a reality I’m unwilling risk the potential.

I realize, fully, this is not necessarily smart. But survival instinct is stronger than rational thinking.

And yet … here I sit … rationally writing it all out.

I’m an annoying mix of emotion and pragmatic thinking.

Sometimes I really hate being me.