I was re-reading my post about my mom’s call to me and how it is stressing to me.
The worst stress is being fully aware how the simple disclosure that DH and I are getting a divorce will effect my mother. It will effect how she treats me and talks to me.
And I would like to have some-kind of relationship with my mother. But if she goes down a dark path (and she really has been known to) then I cannot. And when mom spirals…she does it fast and hard.
So, add to that, I am actually seeing someone and that we have a mutual friend we both are seeing…And I feel anxious about disclosure. I know, for certain, that disclosing the divorce must happen. I get it.
Disclosing anything else is not a good idea. But then here is where my brain twists. If I do disclose my very unconventional relationship … then I will receive difficult back-lash from my mom and … I could potentially hurt her. As it is if she were to simply ask if I am dating anyone and find out he is 19 years my junior…well…that would be hella hard on her to not keep her mouth shut about. Cause she would have very specific things to say… and not care how she sounds…as long as she gets her point across.
But by keeping my relationship quiet…I feel like I am hiding. And … the reason this goes against the grain is because I have spent many years hiding/quiet…not rocking the boat. I didn’t rock the boat so I couldn’t cause waves and could maintain the status quo.
Hence my Drama-Queen mode. I don’t walk around my daily life proclaiming “I’m dating someone 19 years my junior and we also have a mutual girlfriend!” as if I am from Monty Python screaming “BRING OUTCHER DEAD!” But I have not hidden it either. Hell my work-wife asked if I was dating both of them and my face almost fell on the floor!
But if asked I would, and have, said yes … I am dating both of them and I don’t flinch.
I just totally trip up when it comes to my mom. And when I keep stumbling around like this it becomes frustrating and the longer you wait and try to figure it out the worse it gets due to anticipation and anxiety…want me to go on with that really long sentence?
So…there ya go. I am happy in my life and with my life. I am just a bit stressing about sharing any part of my life with my mom…any part.
oh well
Ruth's Life and Experiences 