Under My Skin

I have not let anyone under my skin since I left EE.

Well I find that someone is actually under my skin. And I hate it.

It makes me vulnerable.

I don’t like that.

But I need to accept it. I believe.

I don’t want this because… I admit… the potential for pain is there.

But I need to accept it. It’s life. If I deny this then I deny myself a potentially wonderful experience.

It scares me. I don’t want to put myself in harms way.

It if I am not open to this… then what am I living for?

I’m in the best place I have ever been… well at least on a very long time… in my life.

It’s not love its infatuation. And I know it. I get it.

But it still makes me uncomfortable. Makes me vulnerable.

I think I need to be vulnerable. Accept discomfort. Accept vulnerability. Without risking both I cannot grow.

Does this sound stupid? I don’t know for certain.

Am I just following an easy path? Potentially a hedonist path??? Or am I allowing life to happen??? And going with it.

Gah !!!!

I don’t know.

For now….I will follow the path. See where it leads. See what I discover.

I think …. I think … too much.

I know how I feel and what I want. Is this a good path???

Dunno.

I think I must let this play out.

Be open to new experiences. Be open to being (possibly) hurt.

This is life, I believe, open and honest.

I need to just chill. I need a bit of Zen.

It’s ok. I’ll figure this out. And if I’m hurt. I’m hurt. But if I deny this… then I will never know.

Ok.

Growth. Thriving.

It’s hard but I think it’s right. I know I am overthinking and I know it is because I am afraid.  I don’t trust my own judgement.  My alarm bells are not going off.  I am just plain scared.

Obviously I need to chill.  Stop thinking.