Alive

It is amazing where life takes you.

One day something horrid happens. You think you will never recover Life as you know it has ended. You don’t know where to go.

Time passes. You get on with life. You pull yourself out of bed every day. One day you realize you are just getting out of bed. For the past week. Just getting out of bed. Not pulling yourself out. This doesn’t happen overnight. It can take weeks or months.

More time passes. You realize you have not cried in a while. You no longer feel devastated when you think about the something horrid and break down every time.

Then you go up and down. As you take the curves life throws at you. As you discover new and good things about yourself. You slowly heal. You smile more. You laugh more. You cry less. You spend more time with friends and less time in bed.

More time passes. You find you are more healed than shattered. You find joy in things routinely. You can talk freely about the horrid thing (mostly) without pain. You look back and see the path you have taken and know that you would not be who you are if you had not been in that path.

You heal. There are scars. They occasionally itch. Maybe break open a bit now and again. But mostly you heal.

I feel this is where I am. Mostly healed. I’m good with my path. I’m good with my people. I rarely cry. I infrequently feel lonely. I’m comfortable with myself; in my own skin. I can say I am happier now than I had been in many years. I forgot how this felt. I know there are still going to be ups and downs. But if I can remember who I am. What I need to do to be myself. I will get through the downs.

I’m thankful for this past year. I regret losing myself in the first place but if I hadn’t I wouldn’t be here now. And I am here. I am present. I am content to see where life leads me.

I am alive.