Conversation with EE

Had a sit-down with EE last evening.  The initial conversation was about finances and refinancing the house and my cut and all that.  We sussed it out.  It took some negotiation.  It also took me: not backing down and politely standing up for myself.  In the past, I would have acquiesced to his requests and demands.  It would have been easier.  I did not.  And when I say demands I do NOT mean he was demanding.  The conversation was extremely civil and kind.

We then moved onto sharing vacation stories and pictures.

Then … EE brought up the ending of our marriage.  He said how “If you had just been, as you are now…through our marriage…I would’t have had concerns and would never have said those things.”

“Ok…don’t kill him” kinda ran thru my head…

For the first time, ever, I explained to him in clear, thoughtful, frank words: He gently smothered me with his “protecting me” and I learned to not…do what I wanted.  Not… try new things.  Not ask him to accompany ME on adventures.  Just accompany him on adventures.  I learned to put my personality and self into a box, in the attic … and tried to be what he seemed to want.  I also explained that this was MY problem as well.  I allowed this to happen. It is not all on him.

For the first time…I didn’t cry.  I didn’t get emotional.  I was just able to explain that I am now a, generally, happy person.  I still have hard times and I know I still will in the future.  I don’t expect my life to be problem-free from this moment on.  I know I will still feel sad now and again; lonely now and again; frustrated and angry now and again.  I will also have more happiness, joy and self-fulfillment in my life than I have had in recent YEARS.

I didn’t leave EE’s house feeling sad or upset.  I left with a clear conscious. EE was sad and I wish him nothing but the best… but he is not really in the same place, emotionally, that I am in.  This will take him time and I really hope he gets there.  I don’t know if he will.

For now I will enjoy my life.  I will experience my emotions and work through them.  I will be open to possibilities.  I will live.

I will thrive.