Morning Epiphany

I cannot explain why, exactly, I awoke with the following knowledge coursing through my head, hell…felt like it was coursing through my veins!

First a BIT of back-story: Had a relationship conversation last night with 15.  It was a … how to talk to each other, what had happened in the past with others, how we deal with conflict sort of conversation.  Nothing bad had happened it was just a bit of a … I GUESS I would say an evolution of our relationship … kind of … conversation.  Don’t really know how else to say it.  It was good.  We both prefer to be fairly straight forward and not play games and not lie (even to protect the other’s feelings or ego) to each other.  (That may sound like…well DUH! But… lets face it folks…many of us do-or have done-that!)

Then, before I fell asleep, I watched a little pop-psychology video detailing how, if someone leaves you surprisingly or cheats on you, it isn’t your fault.  The fault lies in the person who did that.  Aside: let us not discount that you may have contributed to a breakdown in the relationship… but that’s a topic for another day: Aside done.  The person who states they invest love/commitment/future in a relationship and then dumps their partner when they get cold feet/bored/whatever … and never explains this to their partner … that person is the one at fault.  The person who cheats is the person with the problem.

Both of these pieces of information must have coursed through my brain all night long.  And while the leaving/cheating doesn’t apply to my situation…the idea behind part of it stuck with me…

I’m still new at dating.  I feel anxious asking 15 to go anywhere with me.  My professional ego is rock solid but my personal ego is on a fault line in California, perched on a rickety 50 year old antique rattan chair that is balanced on the back of a bucking bronco.  I feel anxious asking because my brain AUTOMATICALLY says “If he says no then he really isn’t interested, doesn’t really care, found something better and you are a second had choice…” and all the horrid things like that!  And those thoughts alone stop me from asking… or make me ask hesitantly.

This morning I awoke with the absolute understanding that if I ask 15 to go with me somewhere, and he says no, it really is NOT a rejection of me or our relationship.  It is because he has previous commitments…just wants to chill…isn’t in the mood.  Anything! But it ISN’T an absolute rejection of me.  It is about him and what he is doing or his needs at that time. And that is A-OK!

Now…I know…this is something I should have understood all along…I would never think terrible things about myself if I asked one of my girlfriends somewhere and they said no.  So what’s the difference?  Why would I feel that I am at fault if he said no?  I want to say it’s because I am an idiot…but I know it isn’t that.  It is a combination of being basically uncertain of myself, not having a lot of recent experience with dating, and slowly closing myself off through the past years in my marriage.

Now…I’m not all fixed! LOL  But bit by bit I am coming to understand that I am (and will be) alright.  That through everything I am going to grow and be alright with the world.

I am sure I will still have my doubts…and that’s alright…that’s life in my brain.  But I can work to go forward and understand I will get over it and I will be OK with me.