Twenty-four hours

I figured something out about myself.

When I have new stressors, new anxiety producing concerns or new earth-shattering-kaboom style issues it takes me almost exactly 24 hours to calm down and resolve shit.

If it is taking me longer than 24 hours then its a EARTH-SHATTERING-KABOOM and it then takes me months (for instance leaving my husband and subsequent divorce).

But for the smaller things…yet still stressful things…I find it takes me about 24 hours to calm down.  After 24 hours concerns may not be resolved but I am less stressed.

Now in that 24 hours it kind-a sucks because I become focused on the problem or concern…and all I want to do is talk about it because that helps me process it.  And again, during that 24 hours, when all I want to do is talk I sound like a broken record.  Hell…I talk things out in my car…when I don’t have anyone to talk to or when I feel I am probably just going to bore someone to death.  And I can be repetitive and boring.  Even I hear it.  But this is how I process things.  I go over them and over them and try to see stuff from every angle…so I can understand…so I can learn and so I can grow.  In this way I decrease my anxiety about … whatever the problem is … and move on.

I also try to imagine different scenarios that may happen around events…and sort-a pre-process my reaction to said scenario.  Like practicing a fire drill: if you practice on a regular basis then when a fire happens your response is more likely to be organized and appropriate.  So I imagine, when I know a situation, how I could possibly feel and respond in an effort to try to control my response and make it not…quite…so overblown or have it effect me so much. That’s what I have been doing about this upcoming party on Saturday.  Yes I will have support (on many levels) but I have been trying to consider how I will feel seeing EE with someone else.  I am really not sure because, when I think about it, there feels like a big hole in my emotions and responses.  Is this hole present because I truly no longer love him (in that way) and it is perfectly OK?  Is the hole present because I’m in denial about something to do with this?  Is the hole present because I just don’t actually care and I am a giant asshole? (I hope this isn’t it!…but what if it is???)  I just don’t know.  So we shall see what transpires and how I really do react.

Only 5 more hours till my weekend begins.  I look forward to it with a bit of hopeful anticipation and a slight amount of paralyzing anxiety.  Now that is a combo, eh?