Ever wonder?

Ever wonder what would happen if you just disappeared? No. I’m not going to. I’m too fukking responsible. I wouldn’t be able to be so narcissistic to do that. That’s what it would be.

It’s more a fantasy. Dream. All unattainable. Unreasonable.

But ever wonder?

I do. I wonder. I wonder if I could become a different person. And if I could. Who would I become? What would I do?

I’m not interested to know if I would be missed. I would. For a bit. By some. But disappearing thoughts is not about that. It’s not about who is left behind. For me. Hence … narcissistic. I’m self absorbed and often thoughtless. But not to that degree.

Back to the thought. Would I move to a warmer climate? I’d like to think so. Would I do something better with my life? While I’d like to think so. I doubt it.

I know if I ever did something like that it would be selfish… horrid. And so starting over in that way would likely lead me to a terrible life. More thoughtless and sad…than new and fresh.

I imagine I would wallow. And do stuff that just reinforces my own negative feelings. After all…this is what I still do in my life anyway. And I’m trying to change that. And it’s so dam difficult.

And disappearing would solve nothing. I would never become the person I wish to be.

And I want to be a good…whole person. A person others may wish to know. Who helps… not hinders. Who can lift someone up and not think about herself.

And so here I stay. Fantasy voiced and realistically debunked.

But every once in a while… I think about it.