Mother’s Day

So, as you may (or may not) remember…I am NOT on the best terms with my mom. Have not spoken with her since right before Thanksgiving 2018.  Have no intention of doing so.  Every once in a while I think “Maybe I should contact her? it would make her so happy… And I can handle the abuse.  I can handle the mind games.”  And then I remember… I CAN NOT handle these things and that her abuse and mind games are horrible things and make me feel like shit.

So … Mother’s Day is Sunday.  Everyone keeps posting about “if you love your mom”
“you won’t have another mom”  all that really sappy and lovely stuff that is TRUE and REAL if you have … a non-abusive, non-narcissistic, non-horrid mother.

I don’t look forward to Sunday.  My housemate lost both her mom and dad last summer.  She isn’t looking forward to it either.  But in a weird way I find it hard to be supportive for her.  NOT because I am a total bitch but because I envy her what she had.  And I mourn over the loss of my mother…and the loss of the mom that could have been if she had tried.  the loss of the mom I thought I could have had if I had been different…tried harder.

I don’t look forward to Sunday.  I will get thru it.  Not quite sure how.  But I will.  I hate Mother’s Day

**Edit**

A good friend of mine posted on Facebook about difficult holidays (like Mother’s day) I read her post after I did my blog for the day.  She echoed a lot of what I said though she said it with a bit more eloquence.  But she did bring up a good point.  At the very least, my mother did bring me into this world and for that I am thankful.  I don’t hate my mother.  I feel profound sorrow and guilt but not hate.  After my many years on this planet and my constant journey to try (with some success and with some failures) to be a better person… I don’t see how my feelings on the subject will change.  I know that there is no resolution to any of this mess.  If I contact my mom I will be drawn into the whole rig-a-ma-roll again…and I cannot risk that.  So: Thank you Mom for having me.  You did do a good job often.  I’m sorry