Went to the motorcycle class today. Passed the written without any problems. Of course. I’m smart that way. The actual learning to ride was a lot harder.
My basic problem? Overthinking. I am not “Using the force”. And yes one of my instructors did tell me, specifically, just that. I did dump the bike twice. TWICE! It rained hard for the final two hours outside. It took me over 3 hours to warm up and stop shaking. Having problems with tight turns.
I am not afraid to fail. If I do I’ll simply take it again. I’ll get through this.
This weekend is another weekend of being alone in a room full of people. Or house full as it may be. My housemates are holed up. I can hear them laughing and giggling. Their joy in each other does two things. First it does bring me joy. But, overwhelming, it makes me feel so alone. Tomorrow is Easter. After my class ( which I hope to pass) I’ll be over at another friend’s house. I have been invited because they don’t want me to be alone on the “holiday “. And yes I always made Easter dinner for friends. I want to decline. I want to stay in bed and just cry. Hell. I want to cry now. I’m told being alone is good for me. And I can see the value. But this emptiness physically hurts. And it hurts even more when I’m alone in a room of people. I will likely go tomorrow because I don’t want my friends to think I’m lonely. I don’t want their pity. And so Brave Face Ruth will come out. I’ll laugh and make jokes. I’ll pretend. And inside someone is cutting me open with a knife. Sad thing is. I don’t miss DH at all. It isn’t him I miss. I miss what I know I could have, maybe, one day. If I let myself. And if someone can find there is value in me. I’m afraid I won’t let that person do that. I’m afraid I’ll let that pass me by. Because I’m just afraid.
Ruth's Life and Experiences 