This weekend

Lets start with the divorce filing:  Yup…it was kinda horrible.  I felt like I was just gonna fall over the entire time.  I got through it though.  I did throw up in the bathroom and then, subsequently, cry my eyes out on a stairwell.  I then gave myself a firm kick in the ass and got myself in gear.  Went to workout and went on with my weekend.

Now I need to find a friend to serve Steve.  I’ll be talking w/him about this tomorrow.

The rest of the weekend was nice.  Then I’ll admit it got a bit nicer.

Plucked up some courage to call a gentleman, and normally…I do NOT call.  And I’ll admit it here as to why.  Fear of rejection… Not understanding the attraction on HIS part and therefor assuming…alot of really horrible things in my brain….as to WHY on earth someone is actually taking an interest in me.  The problem is this particular gentleman is (on a scale of 1-10) about 15.  Like…seriously.  And that is what kind of throws me for a loop.  I don’t know what do with a 15.  So…there ya go.  And then me and 15:now and forever to be known as 15 (because you know I don’t use actual monikers here) had a very lovely time for some additional hours of the weekend.  And even, after all that, and the thing I must admit I find terribly attractive is the man LIKES to chat and talk and isn’t afraid to ask or receive difficult questions/information.  I swear my brain hates me.  By the time I made my way home, hours later…I’d almost talked myself out of the whole thing … not that it didn’t happen … but why.  I really DISLIKE my insecurities!  And I really DISLIKE that I can overthink just about ANYTHING in my life!!!

Anyway…here I am, post coital-existential crisis … and putting it out here because I really cannot say it to anyone else … because ya know … you get platitudes.  “You are a good woman, don’t think of yourself in these terms… blah blah blah.”  I already know these words.  And I can almost believe them at times.  But the very loud and horribly obnoxious devil on my shoulder doesn’t like me to ignore him.  And it is a CONSTANT battle.  I’ll keep it up.  But the worse, that want to come out of my mouth, really are…”I’m not worth it.”  They don’t   I don’t put them in the air.  But it is actually how I feel