Filing…

Tomorrow I am going down to the courthouse to file for divorce.

I am glad and I am sad at the same time.  I am glad because then this waiting and wondering will have an eventual end date.

I am sad because, well, it was 23 years we were together.  We are friends.  When I see him now I am comfortable (usually) around him and I realize I do miss that ease of conversation and companionship.  We are friends.  We probably should have always just stayed friends.

I suspect I’ll be a fat-puddled-mess in the middle of the courthouse tomorrow.  Even for a few moments.  I wish they had open bar.

I’ll go to the gym after that.  Then lunch with a friend.  Try to get laundry done.  Party all night with other friends.  Keep busy.  Try to forget, for a moment, today is the day I have actively moved to end my marriage.  Try not to cry.

But it is OK.  It is a choice I have made so I can live the most full life possible.  So we can stop hurting each other.

It doesn’t mean I don’t want to cry.