breasts…

OK.  I am kinda wigging out

I had a mammogram and biopsy about 1.5 years ago.  They believed it to be a complex cyst (a cyst w/stuff in it) and set me up for 6 month f/u.  Well…I didn’t f/u.  When asked I answered truthfully.  I was depressed and didn’t f/u on a LOT of stuff in that year.

So…I went yesterday.  Suddenly, post mammogram, I am whisked into the ultrasound room and told the Radiologist wants to talk to me.  Ultrasound done.  Enter Radiologist:  The cyst has changed a bit and is growing faster than they anticipated it to do.  So here I am…quite fukking freaking out.  I have a core biopsy on MONDAY

So, here is the thing: if you were to ask me, how do you identify as female… I would say “i have amazing boobs, love to dress pretty and wear makeup”   I don’t think of the uterus or hormones.  If you ask my best physical feature: it’s eyes and boobs.  And Boobs are a HUGE part of my identity now and always have been.  One of my friends use to simply describe me as “the girl with the big hair and big boobs”

So here I am  52y/o.  Doing GREAT!  Down 46 pounds.  Feeling amazing.  Moving forward with my life.  But in the back of my head I have KNOWN/felt certain a show was gonna drop somewhere.  And, oh yes, as payback for being such a horrible person.  Leaving my husband.  Sleeping w/whoever I want and enjoying myself.  Because, don’t you know, that’s how life works.  Things go well and then something kicks you in the teeth because you shouldn’t be having this much fun.  Or this much fun is a-moral.  Or.. WHATTHAFUKEVER!

I really KNOW that I am probably fine!  The front of my head is reminding me that I am SO OVERREACTING!  The back of my head, though, is KICKING MY TEETH IN!

I had a hard, VERY HARD, time getting nekkid in front of anyone after my separation.  I am JUST getting comfortable with compliments and … well leave it there!  WTF if this IS a problem. This is where my brain is going.  I don’t know what to do! I don’t think I would ever get nekkid again.  SERIOUSLY!  My ass sucks (fat, flabby and bumpy)   And if I need a lumpectomy well, that’s one thing, but then…possible RT or chemo….

I know…WAY WAY ahead of myself but I can’t get this out to anyone.  I have told 2 ppl.  and both ppl, in an attempt to make me feel better, told me about their friends who had lumps/cysts/mastectomies.  OK…mother fukker ppl.  I don’t not care. I JUST NEED TO GET THE STUPID shit out…the stupid, aforementioned shit…that is the overreacting and panic inducing shit.  The shit that I can put here… and the computer cannot roll it’s eyes at me and say… Ruth, you know that’s unlikely…. you will be OK.  Hang in there, you are strong.  Well, right now…I don’t feel strong.  And I want to go back to bed and I NEED to be held.  HELD tightly.  And…that’s not gonna happen.

OK. Thank you WordPress.com for your platform

I am gonna get back to work and work on no more WIGGIN out!

I WILL BE OK!  I know it….right?