Guilt driven…

I had an “ah HA!” moment yesterday.  I am amazingly guilt driven.  I will or won’t do something, based upon how it may effect someone, their opinion of me as well as make me feel bad (or…guilty) for not doing or doing that something…Yes..that is an awkward sentence…apologies!

I am guilt driven with food.  I think tend to punish myself for eating the wrong thing, or wrong amount, and then… in the past… I have punished myself again by repeating the process and making myself feel bad.

Lately I have turned that around.  I realize that now.  I have been punishing myself for being overweight and making bad food decisions by NOT eating.  And the bad food decisions I have made in the past are now being punished by a lack of intake?  I did ask my work-wife about this.  She said…she thinks that I am not necessarily punishing myself now… but that on the weekends I don’t actively see someone eat, it doesn’t trigger me to say “Hey… it is Lunch Time!” and I go eat my lunch.  So it seems to her that punishment isn’t what’s happening but the fact that I am very focused on not making food the center of my world.  And then … since I don’t think of it often I forget that I really DO need to eat something.

I did get some GS Cookies.  My favs, Thin Mints and Tag-A-Longs.  I opened one box of the Tags and ate all but 3 from a sleeve, in the course of about, an hour.  The other three I ate the next night.  The other sleeve is sitting there and not calling to me so it’s all good.  The rest of the boxes of cookies (4 Thin Mints and 3 Tag-A-Longs) have all come to work with me and are donated to our break room with “FREE ENJOY” written on them.   I don’t really want them in the house.

So… I THINK I agree w/my work-wife…but I also think I need to monitor this and make sure this isn’t some sort of delayed punishment thing… That isn’t healthy either.