Deserve…

Dinner with DH tonight. We had a good talk. We spoke of his weekend. We spoke of my weekend. We spoke of the divorce and what my brother is recommending. Of things we need to do to finalize things. One thing sticks out in my mind…. What DH feels I deserve.

I was speaking of having enough money for a down-payment on a small condo. I was saying that if, when we sus out the house and other finances, I don’t have enough money for a down-payment then I would simply impose on the girls for a bit longer. This made him visibly upset. I asked what was wrong… He stated I deserved better than living with the girls. I was flummoxed.

I tried to explain this is the best place I could imagine being right now. It is a safe place. They are not judgmental. They give me room to be myself and to find myself. No criticism Just a lot of love and acceptance. At the same time I am able to care for others in the house and feel needed, wanted.

He accepted my words but I could tell he didn’t like or believe them.

So I’m trying to understand why he thinks I deserve better. What is better? Better is on the eye of the beholder. In my eyes I deserve nothing….i have earned nothing yet I have all I need. Safety, love, respect and the ability to return all three to the girls.

What does he think I deserve?. And why?. I wasn’t quite up to delving into those questions and so I didn’t ask. Maybe one day I will. For now I will be happy with what I have. I don’t need to figure out what DH thinks I deserve.