Epiphany Today

So, I know I already posted today but I had an epiphany!  Maybe even a couple of them. Tiny epiphanies…like tiny orgasms…still are epiphanies!

I have come to the realization I no longer feel the need to justify my decision about getting a divorce to anyone.  I don’t feel a sense of shame or embarrassment about saying the words, “I am getting a divorce.”  I found this out today because it came out in a conversation with some work people.  These are people I respect and it matters to me what they think of me.  They asked me a question and I responded with, “I don’t know, we are divorcing.” I didn’t cringe or take a deep breath.  The words just flowed from my mouth and I felt calm.  I didn’t feel that shame, remorse and humiliation…that I expected to feel…a few weeks ago.  But it went away.  I don’t know where it went but it went away!

I also heard myself speaking with a good friend about a few things DH said in the past months.  Mainly the things he said to shock me, or scare me, into changing.  So I changed…my address!  I found, today, that I no longer wished to make excuses or justify what he did or said.  I also feel that some of that was just Bull Shit!  Not that what he felt was BS…but that he could consider saying it at all.  That he could consider the fact he neglected me and then tried to turn this all around on me.  Oh, I will STILL maintain my own culpability, I don’t excuse that!  I will accept my short comings and work not to repeat them.  But dammit!  A lot of this would not have happened had he been truthful in the first place.  Had he been the man he wants to be…and stood up and said…Hey Ruth, I’m not attracted to you. I love you but I don’t want to be married to you.  Like..oh…10+ years ago~

So, those are my tiny epiphanies today.