Difficult

I love my housemates. They offered to share their house and life with me… At a time I felt I had no where to go. They are warm and generous women. I thank the Universe they brought me into their home.

At the same time it is occasionally difficult

They are a typical couple. They love, argue, have good days and bad. The loving and good days can be the hardest for me. Not because I’m not thrilled to see them happy… But it is a sharp contrast to how my life has been (with DH) as well as how it is now.

Yes, DH and I have had some good times but that loving behavior has been missing for a very long time. And yes, I am dating and have found lovely companionship…. AND I’m scared shitless to even consider finding LOVE. I don’t know if I will be willing to trust it… It myself. But it doesn’t make seeing it… In others… Any easier.

It is surprising how good I can feel… And then come home to this wonderful couple… And suddenly my heart aches.

This is a difficult part of my life right now. I wonder if it will be this way… For the rest of my life. I hope not.

EDIT: And so, following this post I watched RENT (on FOX) with my girls.  And …  GAWD.  I couldn’t watch the 2nd half with them.  I went on the back porch and balled my eyes out.  Then I told them I just got really tired all of a sudden and I went to bed.  And I cried again.  I was not crying because I was alone.  I was crying because I was watching them cuddle up and attend the performance TOGETHER (yes, on TV…).  They hugged each other during the sad parts.  They held hands and cuddled.  They danced when they could dance.  And I, in the room, participated and appeared joyful and happy (because who tha fuk wants to mess with their happiness) But… my brain kept going back to the last 10 years of my marriage.  When DH and I  were not like that with each other.  And I mourned and cried and I still kinda want to do that today!  I cannot even celebrate my weight loss at the moment.  I am now down to 311.  I should be happy.  But … AAAARRRGGGHHH!!!!!