Very “together”…????

OK.  I believe I have made a lot of progress in the past months.  It has been almost 7 months since this whole thing started.  I reviewed previous posts and wow…I sure notice my attitude about my marriage and things changed.  I THINK that is growth.

Here is the thing.  It seems that folks seem to think I have it “together.”  OK.  I don’t mean to put out that, whole, “I’m OK” vibe.  I don’t mean to put out the, “I’m falling apart” vibe either.

I know I am much better than I was 7 months ago.  I know I have more focus and am more in tune with my head, heart and body.  I am pleased by this.

I also know I still feel like a fukking hot mess on a fukking daily basis!  And I sure don’t feel together!

It doesn’t take much to make me cry.  I am actually allowing myself to cry (which is kinda rather new-ish)  In the past, when I cried, I would try to stifle it and … not hide it … but not really show it either.  I was embarrassed by my tears.  I felt it made me appear weak.  I don’t like to be weak.  But, with all the soul-rending I have done, I realize the tears are not weakness and they need to come or everything gets all bottled up again.  I alternate between fine and not-fine on a hourly basis some days.  And some days I am fine and some days I am not.

I appreciate the info I seem to be “together”.  I know I WANT to be… I just am not sure what that looks like.

I don’t want to sell myself short, either.  I HAVE made progress.  I know I am a good person who is worthy of living my life and finding my own happiness.  I know there MAY be a person, out there, who would like to spend some time with me.  I also know I am not ready for a permanent or committed relationship.  I look in the mirror and see: old, fat, flabby, lumpy.  And I try so HARD to shake off those thoughts.  Because I can also see: beautiful smile and eyes, frankly quite nice tits, and somewhere, inside, a loving person.  I am trying so HARD to be who I want to be.  Honest and open, loving and caring…snarky and bitchy at times…

This post could probably ramble on for hours!

ARRGGGHHH!  today is a bad day.