Hugs

I need hugs and holding.

I think this is part of my panic/anxiety concerns.  While DH and I were not overly touchy-feely I could always count on a hug or a hand-hold.

Driving into work this morning I had one of my panic/anxiety attacks.  I can’t do a lot with that since I was DRIVING! Can’t get out and walk (I’d be late for work) and I can’t really try to meditate (I’m DRIVING!).  So I took a few very deep breaths, concentrated on the road and tried to divert my attention to DRIVING!

It had calmed down just a bit by the time I got to work.  I was calm enough to not start to cry or…drop into the fetal position and go into a coma…which would have again…made me late for work!  I plowed up the hill (fairly steep) as fast as my legs would let me go in an attempt to exercise out this feeling.  It sorta helped but the minute I got to my office it started to re-surge.  I sat down and talked to my partner, got my morning routine going, and had a bit of a realization.  I needed a hug.  Desperately!

Thank GAWD for AD.  She is a beautiful friend who has listened to me whine and complain and cry and laugh and celebrate all the delightful and horrible things that have happened around me for the past years.  I say happen around me, not to distance myself from the events, but because while some of them happened TO me they were not always ABOUT me, anyway… I digress.

I went to AD and just asked her for a moment of her time.  Around the corner I just asked for a hug.  This beautiful woman gave me a wonderful and encompassing hug.  Then she made me laugh.  And she hugged me again.  This helped so much.  I don’t know if she could feel it but I felt like I was shaking during the hug … like I was falling apart.  That simple act helped put me back together again.  I can make it thru the day.

I hate asking for things.  I feel needy.  I already feel like I encumber my friends with my personal drama by letting them know about what is going on, how I am feeling, every little blasted thing in my life because I lost a filter a few months ago and cannot seem to shut the fuk up!  But I think I need to get over this reticence to ask for hugs.  I think my friends will understand.

I KNOW my friends will understand.