Friendships

As a small child I was very open, bubbly, honest and assumed everyone who spoke with me wanted to be my friend.  I had (and still do if I am honest) an inherent belief that everyone is good and honest.  While I still do believe this I know it is not true.  Childhood and adolescence did a fantastic job of abusing me of this notion.  I think most kids start out the same and then…they go to school.  They learn to be part of the herd and only the strong survive.  I was not that strong person.  I learned that not everyone is honest.  A friend one day is not always going to be that same friend the next day.  The secret you tell some one one day will be on the kindergarten internet the following day.  So I learned to build a wall.  This wall is thick.  It is climbable but only the strong truly get over it.  You may be a superficial friend but I won’t open up; I won’t give you a piece of my heart or soul.  This being said there are a few people who do own pieces of me.  And I gladly give it to them, they climbed the wall and proved they were trustworthy.  Most of these friends are people I see at least monthly and are in my area. Two of these friends live a long distance.

KB: I met KB the first days of high school.  KB didn’t even fukking see a wall.  She tore through it like it was all smoke and mirrors.  We bonded immediately and have remained dear friends.  We may not see each other for 2-10 years but when we do we pick up right where we left off.

JR: JR is a physician I worked with many years ago.  She is anal, has AMAZING handwriting (maybe not important to you but sure impressed me), a powerhouse of energy, a thirst for the world and it’s knowledge and experiences, a giant heart and a sharp wit and intellect.

These two women were on my mind as I considered letting Facebook know I am getting a divorce. Why let the Facebook community in on this? Well…it is part of accountability for me.  “Keepin it real” in a way.  It is also a band-aid that I can rip off instead of pulling off slowly as people ask questions.

I had some anxiety about telling these two friends.  I wasn’t anxious they would hate me but I was anxious because I’m a bit crazy and I was afraid of expressing this failure to two women I love and admire so.

I had the JOY (un-abashed) of seeing KB this past weekend.  It was fate.  We spoke for a number of hours.  I cried, she cried, we both laughed and rebound our friendship and ourselves.

I phoned JR last evening.  She was already aware something was wrong but she didn’t know for certain what that was.  Again…less on the crying but much talk, laughter and re-binding of friendships and selves.

While I will never pull down my wall, it is more permanent than the Great Wall of China, I am so thankful the women in my life (the near and far) have been able to climb it.  I do not know what I would do without each and every one of them.  They are amazeballs!  I admire each woman in my life for what and who they are and I wouldn’t wish them to change for anything.