In a Houseful of Laughter, Alone

I sit on the back porch, already in a maudlin state, listening to my housemates play and laugh. I feel so alone. I am not excluded by my friends. They are watching some funny U Tube videos and laughing and commenting. I would be welcome to join them but I cannot bring myself to do it. I feel raw and afraid. I’m afraid that the joy I hear will never be in me again. In won’t be able to share that joy with someone in the future.

I am afraid. I fear my insecurities will not allow me to be open to that joy. I find that the introspection I have done, soul searching and purging, has been equally good and bad. I have learned to understand what has been wrong in my life and why. I understand why I reacted in the ways I did. I understand when I was wrong and what I did. But at the same time that understanding is not giving me peace tonight.

Tonight I am filled with fear and doubt about my future and myself. I’m afraid I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. I’m afraid I’ll pass up opportunity for true partnership due to my insecurities…my distrust. I’m afraid I may settle for something or someone out of the fear of being alone and the disbelief I am a worthy person.

I don’t feel this way all the time. I am often proud of myself for being strong enough to leave DH. I am often proud of myself for moving forward and growing as a human being. I am often proud of myself for opening the door to the possibility of some kind of future happiness. But tonight I am afraid.

In part this is brought on by the fact I know I will see DH tomorrow after work. We meet every Tuesday evening and hash out stuff. Last Tues night was particularly painful for us both and shades of that evening are haunting me tonight.

That horrid knot of a scream, in my stomach, is back. If it were daytime I would go out for a walk because that does help me. But it is almost 10 pm and a walk right now would be a tad irresponsible. So deep breaths. Maybe a few tears. I’ll make it thru the night. I’ll get up and go to work. I will be ok.

At times like this I miss the lies I told myself.